


,: 'A. 















GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 



BOOK OF POLITENESS 



PROPRIETY OF DEPORTMENT, 

DEDICATED TO THE 

YOUTH OF BOTH SEXES. 

" I i 

BY M me - CELNART. 



TRANSLATED FROM THE SIXTH PARIS EDITION, 
ENLARGED AND IMPROVED. 



jTtftf) American ISMiion. 



PHILADELPHIA: 
PUBLISHED BY GRIGG & ELLIOT, 

NO. 9 NORTH FOURTH ST. 
1840. 






\*5fc 



Entered, according to act of Congress, in the vear 1835, 

BY WILLIAM D. TICKNOR. 
in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the District of 

Massachusetts. 



Army And ISJV 

Aug. 13, 1929 



T. K. & P. G. COLLINS. PRINTERS. PHILA 



ADVERTISEMENT 

TO THE SECOND EDITION. 



The unprecedented demand for the first edition of 
the Gentleman and Lady's Book of Politeness, has 
called for another edition much sooner than was 
anticipated. Advantage has been taken of this op- 
portunity, carefully to revise the work, and the pub- 
lishers feel confident, that its present improved state 
will render it still more acceptable to the American 
Public. 



ADVERTISEMENT 
TO THE THIRD EDITION. 



The unprecedented demand for the Gentleman 
and Lady's Book of Politeness, translated from the 
French of Madame Celnart, has induced the publish- 
er to stereotype the work, in order to enable him to 
supply the public with this excellent manual in the 
cheapest possible form, consistent with the style of 
publication appropriate to a work of this class. 

The original, as is well known, has already gone 
through numerous editions in France within a short 
time ; and in this country there have been two edi 
tions of the present translation, which has now obtain 
ed the character and rank of a standard work. 

THE PUBLISHER 



PREFACE 



The present work has had an extensive cir- 
culation in France, the country which we are 
accustomed to consider as the genial soil of 
politeness; and the publishers have thought it 
would be rendering a useful service on this side 
of the Atlantic to issue a translation of it. 

Some foreign visitors in our country, whose 
own manners have not always given them a right 
to be censors of others, have very freely told us 
what we ought not to do ; and it will be useful to 
know from respectable authority, what is done in 
polished society in Europe, and, of course, what 
we ought to do, in order to avoid all just censure. 
This object, we are confident, will be more effect- 
ually accomplished by the study of the principles 
and rules contained in the present volume, than 
by any other of the kind. 

By persons who are deemed competent judges 
in such a case, this little work has been pro- 
nounced to be one of the most useful and practi- 
cal works extant upon the numerous and delicate, 
topics which are discussed in it. We are aware 



that a man caii no more acquire the ease and 
elegance of a finished gentleman, by any manual 
of this kind, than in the fine arts he could be- 
come a skilful painter or sculptor by studying 
books alone, without practice. It is, however, 
equally true, that the principles of Politeness 
may be studied, as well as the principles of the 
arts. At the same time, intercourse with polite 
society, in other words, practice, as in the case of 
the arts, must do the rest. 

The reader will find in this volume some rules 
founded on customs and usages peculiar to France 
and other countries, where the Roman Catholic 
religion is established. But it was thought bet- 
ter to retain them in the work, than to mutilate 
it, by making such material alterations as would 
have been occasioned by expunging ever}'' thing 
of that description. In our liberal and tolerant 
country, these peculiarities will give offence to 
none ; while to many, their novelty, at least, will 
be interesting. 

The Translators. 

Boston, May 6, 1833. 



CONTENTS 



PART I. 



Page. 



Introduction. 
Of Propriety of Deportment, and its Advantages xiii 

CHAPTER I. 

Of Propriety of Conduct in Relation to Religious 

Duties 1 

Sect. 1. Of respectful Deportment at Church ibid. 
2. Of religious Propriety in our Intercourse 
with the World ... Q 

CHAPTER II. 
Of Propriety of Conduct in Relation to Domestio 

Duties 9 

CHAPTER III. 

Of Propriety of Conduct in Conjugal and Domes- 
tic Relations - 12 



CHAPTER IV. 

Of Propriety as regards one's self 19 

Sect. 1. Of the Toilet - - - ibid. 

2. Of Reputation - - 27 

CHAPTER V. 

Of Propriety in regard to one's Business or Profes- 
sion - 32 

Sect. 1. Politeness of Shopkeepers and Customers ib. 

2. Politeness between Persons in Office and 

the Public - .... 38 

3. Politeness of Lawyers and their Clients 39 

4. Politeness of Physicians and their Pa- 

tients - . ... 40 

5. Politeness of Artists and Authors, and 

the deference due to them - - 42 

6. Politeness of Military Men - - 46 

7. Politeness of Ecclesiastics and Females 

of Religious Orders ; and the defer- 
ence due to them - 48 

PART II. 

OF PROPRIETY OF DEPORTMENT IN REGARD TO OUR 
SOCIAL RELATIONS. 

CHAPTER I. 
Of Deportment in the Street 50 



CONTENTS. IX 

CHAPTER II. 

Of different kinds of Visits ... 59 

CHAPTER III. 

Of the Manner of receiving Visitors - 75 

CHAPTER IV. 

Of the Carriage of the Body - 82 

CHAPTER V. 

Of Physical Proprieties in Conversation - 88 

Sect. 1. Physical Observances in Conversation ibid. 

2. Of Gestures - - - - - 90 

3. Of the Talent of listening to others 92 

4. Of Pronunciation 97 

5. Of Correctness in Speaking - - 100 

CHAPTER VI. 

Of the Moral Observances in Conversation - 104 

Sect. 1. Of Formal and Vulgar Usages - ibid. 

2. Of Questions and frequently recurring 

Expressions - - -* - 110 

3. Of Narrations, Analysis, and Digres- 

sions ------ HI 

4. Of Suppositions and Comparisons • 118 

5. Of Discussions and Quotations - - 119 

6. Of Pleasantry, Proverbs, Puns, and Bon 

Mots -....-- 121 



X CONTENTS. 

Sect. 7. Of Eulogiums, Complainings, Improprie- 
ties in general, and Prejudices - 125 

CHAPTER VII. 

Of Epistolary Composition .... 130 

Sect. 1. Of Propriety in Letter Writing - ibid. 

2. Of the Interior and Exterior Form of 

Letters 136 

CHAPTER VIII. 

Additional Rules in respect to the Social Rela- 
tions ----- 146 
Sect. 1. Of an obliging Deportment - - ibid. 

2. Of Presents - 151 

3. Of Advice 154 

4. Of Discretion - - « ~~ - 155 

CHAPTER IX. 

Of Travelling - .... 159 



PART HI. 

OF PROPRIETY IN RELATION TO PLEASURES. 

CHAPTER I. 
Of Entertainments 163 



CHAPTER II. 

Of Promenades, Parties, and Amusements - 171 

Sect. 1. Of Promenades . . . ibid. 

2. Of Parties and Amusements - - 175 

3. Little Sports and Games of. Society - 180 

CHAPTER III. 

Of Balls, Concerts, and Public Shows - - 182 

Sect. 1. Of Balls ibid. 

2. Of Concerts 188 

3. Of Public Shows and Spectacles - 189 

CHAPTER IV. 

Of the Duties of Hospitality .... 193 

PART IV. 

OF PROPRIETY AS REGARDS OTHER CIRCUMSTANCES. 

CHAPTER I. 

Of Marriage and Baptism ... 196 

Sect. 1. Of Llarriage - ibid. 

2. Of Baptism 202 

CHAPTER II. 

Of Duties toward the Unfortunate - 205 
Sect. 1. Of Duties toward the Sick, Infirm, and 

Unfortunate - ibid. 

2, Of Funerals and Mourning - - 208 



PART I. 



INTRODUCTION. 



Of Propriety of Deportment, and its Advantages. 

Propriety of deportment, or biensdance, is a happy 
union of the moral and the graceful; it should be 
considered in two points of view, and ought there- 
fore to direct us in our important duties, as well as 
our more trifling enjoyments. When we regard it 
only under this last aspect, some contend that mere 
intercourse with the world gives a habit and taste for 
those modest and obliging observances which con- 
stitute true politeness; but this is an error. Pro- 
priety of deportment, is the valuable result of a 
knowledge of one's self, and of respect for the rights 
of others; it is a feeling of the sacrifices which are 
imposed on self-esteem by our social relations ; it is, in 
short, a sacred requirement of harmony and affection. 
But the usage of the world is merely the gloss, or 
rather the imitation of propriety, since instead of 
being like that, based upon sincerity, modesty and 
courtesy, it consists, in not being constant in an, 
2 



XIV INTRODUCTION. 

thing, and in amusing itself by playing off its feel- 
ings and ridicule, against the defects and excellences 
of others, provided it is done with grace, and never 
carried so far as to wound the self-esteem of any one. 
Thanks to custom, it is sufficient in order to be re- 
cognised as amiable, that he who is the subject of 
a malicious pleasantry may laugh as well as the 
author of it. The usage of the world is therefore 
often nothing more than a skilful calculation of 
vanity, a futile game, a superficial observance of 
form, a false politeness which would lead to frivolity 
or perfidy, did not true politeness animate it with 
delicacy, reserve and benevolence. Would that cus- 
tom had never been separated from this virtuous ami- 
ableness ! We should then never see well-intention- 
ed and good people suspicious of politeness; and 
when victims to the deceitful, justly exclaim with 
bitterness, This is your man of politeness ; nor should 
we ever have made a distinction between the fixed 
principles of virtue, and what is fit and expedient. 
The love of good, in a word, virtue, is then the soul 
of politeness ; and the feeling of a just harmony be 
tween our interest and our social relations, is indis 
pensable to this agreeable quality. Excessive 
gaiety, extravagant joy, great depression, anger 
love, jealousy, avarice, and generally all the pas- 
•10ns, are too often dangerous shoals to propriety of 



INTRODUCTION XY 

deportment. Moderation in every thing is so essen- 
tial, that it is even a violation of propriety itself to 
affect too much the observance of it. 

It is to propriety, its justice and attractions, that 
we owe all the charm, I might almost say, the 
being able to live in society . At once the effect and 
cause of civilization, it avails itself of the grand 
spring of the human mind, self-love, in order to 
purify and ennoble it ; to substitute for pride and all 
those egotistical or offensive feelings which it gen- 
erates, benevolence, with all the amiable and gen- 
erous sentiments, which it inspires. In an assem- 
bly of truly polite people, all evil seems to be un- 
known; what is just, estimable, and good, or what 
we call fit or suitable, is felt on all sides; and 
actions, manners and language alike indicate it. 
Now if we place in this select assembly, a per- 
son who is a stranger to the advantages of a po- 
lite education, he will at once be made sensible of 
the value of it, and will immediately desire to dis- 
play the same urbanity by which he has himself been 
pleased. 

If politeness is necessary in general, it is not less 
so in particular cases. Neither rank, talents, for- 
tune, nor beauty, can dispense with this amenity of 
manners; nor can anything inspire regard or love, 
without that graceful affability, that mild dignity, and 
that elegant simplicity, which render the name of 



XVI INTRODUCTION 

Frenchman synonymous with amiable, and ma&e 
Paris dear, to whatever has understanding and taste. 
If all the world feels the truttf of the verse which is 
now a proverb, 

Cette grace plus belle encors que la beaute,* 
every one ako is sensible, that grace in conferring 
a favor, affects us more than the favor itself, and 
that a kind smile, or an affectionate tone, penetrate 
the heart more deeply than the most brilliant elocu- 
tion. 

As to the technical part of politeness, or forms 
alone, the intercourse of society, and good advice, 
are undoubtedly useful ; but the grand secret of 
never failing in propriety of deportment, is to have 
an intention of always doing what is right. With 
such a disposition of mind, exactness in observing 
what is proper, appears to all to possess a charm and 
influence ; and then not only do mistakes become 
excusable, but they become even interesting from 
their thoughtlessness and naivete. After the man- 
ner of St. Augustin, who used to say, Love God 
and then do what you wish, we would say to those, 
just making their debut in society, Be modest, 
benevolent, and do not distress yourself on account 
of the mistakes of your inexperience j a little atten- 

* That grace, which is more beautiful than beauty 
itself.— T. 



INTRODUCTION. XV11 

tion, and the advice of a friend, will soon correct these 
trifling errors. Such a friend, I wish to be to you. 
In undertaking to revise, and almost entirely remodel, 
the Manual of Good Society, I have wished and have 
engaged to be useful to you. A more methodical ar- 
rangement of the work, more precise and varied de- 
tails, in short, important applications to all conditions 
and circumstances of life, I venture to believe, will 
make this treatise worthy of its design. 



B 



CHAPTER I. 

Of Propriety of Conduct in Relation to Religious 
Duties. 

We have said, that propriety ought to preside 
over the highest instructions of morality, as it also 
regulates the gayest movements of pleasure. We 
proceed first, therefore, to consider religious deport- 
ment. 



SECTION I. 

Of Respectful Deportment at Church 

Religious sentiment is the great, perhaps the only 
difference which we find between man and other 
animals. However it may absorb you by its inten- 
sity, exalt you with delight, or withdraw from you in 
misfortune, this mysterious and sublime sentiment 
ought always to command your respect. Therefore, 
without adverting to particular differences of worship, 
never enter a church without submitting to the re- 
1 



2 GE.\TLEMAN AND LADY'S 

quirements of religion* Observe silence, or at least 
speak seldom, and in a low voice ; uncover yourself; 
advance with a slow and grave step ; stop, at the 
same time making an inclination of your body, if any 
ceremony engages the assembly. Whether the church 
be Jewish, Catholic or Protestant, recollect, that in 
that place men honor the Creator of the Universe ; 
that here they seek consolation in their troubles, and 
pardon of their sins. 

If you visit a church or any similar edifice, from 
curiosity, endeavor to do it out of the time of service. 
Contemplate silently the pictures, monuments, &c; 
beware of imitating those vandals, who deface with 
their obscure and ephemeral names those monuments 
which are destined to endure for ages. Do not like 
them forget, that the only thing which you can ex- 
pect is a smile of contempt from all enlightened 
friends of the arts. Do not wait till the keepers re- 
mind you of the remuneration due to their kindness 
in conducting you, — but offer it to them with your 
thanks on taking leave; and in order to this, go 
always provided with small change. The respect 

*The directions which here follow, are obviously in- 
tended for those who profess the Catholic religion; but 
most of them are also applicable to other denominations 
of Christians. — T 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 3 

due to the place requires us to abstain from every 
thing which resembles the cares of business. 

I have thus far spoken only the language of 
toleration, and of religious worship in general, but I 
am now going to use that of faith and devotion. Let 
the neatness and modesty of your apparel, and your 
discreet and respectful deportment, show that you 
perceive what is due to the house of God. Incline 
your body on entering ; take the holy water ; * then 
advance by the shortest way, and without precipita- 
tion, to the place which you are to occupy; if pos- 
sible, do not change it; neither put yourself in the 
passages, nor carry the chairs to a distance ; take 
two together, to avoid turning your seat as circum- 
stances may require in the course of the ceremony. t 

*This refers to the usage in Catholic churches, in 
which the consecrated or holy water is kept in a vase, 
appropriated to the purpose, near the entrance and in 
other parts of the church. — T. 

f These directions are more particularly applicable to 
Catholic churches in foreign countries, where it is not 
the general custom, as in the United States, to have 
pews. The whole floor is an open area, and supplied 
with chairs ; each person, during service takes two, one 
of which he sits in, and places the other before him to 
kneel upon. This custom of using chaiis, however, is 
not universal even in Europe; and the author observes 



$ GENTLEMAN AND LADY S 

If the services have commenced, place yourself in 
the rear, in order not to disturb those present by 
your coming. The same motive ought to prevent 
your going away before the close of the services, 
except from pressing necessity. 

If you are accompanied by a lady to whom you 
owe deference, advance and present to her the holy 
water; prepare two chairs for her, and place your- 
self near. In leaving church, clear the passage for 
her; carry her prayer-book, present her again with 
the holy water, and hold the door open to let her 
pass. Indeed, these two last marks of politeness 
should be shown indiscriminately by well-bred peo- 
ple to any who happen to be near them, in entering 
or leaving the church. Kind regards towards our 
neighbors are a worthy accompaniment of devotion. 

If on a crowded occasion you have two chairs, it 
is well to offer one of them to those who have none ; 
a man ought even to give his own to a lady who 
might be standing. Every one knows that it is 
contrary to the sanctity of the place, to walk in a 

in a note, that it were to be wished that in all parts of 
France they would adopt the custom observed at Havre, 
Dieppe, and other cities of Normandy, where, instead of 
having chairs, the churches are furnished throughout 
with fixed seats or benches, by which means the service 
is conducted with much more order and deco'tm. — T. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. O 

church as upon a public promenade ; to converse 
there as in a private house ; to cast looks of curiosity 
on one side and the other; to have a mien which 
displays uneasiness or weariness; to balance your- 
self upon the seat, or shake in an annoying manner 
that of the person before you ; to carry with you dogs, 
packets, &c. 

During the sermon, it is necessary to endeavor to 
make no noise, and to bow with profound respect 
every time the preacher pronounces the sacred name 
of Jesus Christ* 

Whether you give or withhold an offering to the 
mendicants of either sex, they should be answered by 
a kind salutation. 

It is entirely contrary to religious propriety to 
press forward, in going to the altar; you ought to 
wait in silence your turn, without trying to supplant 
those before you; however, should you have any 
urgent motives, you can make them known with 
mildness and politeness. Disputes which arise with 
regard to this, are at the same time an absurdity and 
impiety. 

When you take a place at the holy table, you 
should lay aside gloves, book, cane, &c. It is well 

♦This latter direction is more particularly applicable 
to Catholic usage. — T. 



6 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

for ladies to cover themselves with a veil half drawn ; 
it is a mark of reverence as well as modesty. 



SECTION II. 

Of Religious Propriety in our Intercourse roith the 
World. 

If it is a fundamental principle of propriety of con- 
duct not to wound any one in his self-esteem, his 
tastes, or interests, much more is it necessary to re- 
spect his religious opinions. To make sport of faith, 
that powerful, deep and involuntary sentiment, be- 
fore which the law yields ; to cause the pain of 
doubting to hearts just become pious and tranquil; to 
awaken a spirit of fanaticism and religious excesses ; 
to cause one's self to be considered by some as an im- 
prudent, by others an unworthy person, and by all as 
an enemy to politeness and tolerance, — are the sad re- 
sults of raillery against religious observances, raillery, 
too, almost always dictated by a desire of showing off 
one's talents. 

These results take place without any exception; 
impious sarcasms constantly do injury to serious 
people ; but they become still more revolting in the 
mouths of females, who, like angels, ought ever to 
show themselves lovely, pure, and free from pas 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 7 

sion ; whom Bernardin Saint Pierre designates with 
much feeling and justice the pious sex. 

We ought not however to proscribe entirely deli- 
cate and happy allusions, or comparisons drawn from 
the sacred books, and made in a proper spirit. It is 
useless, I think, to adduce instances ; suffice it to add, 
that rigor alone can reprove them, and that the occa- 
sion sometimes renders them very seasonable. 

As to religious discussions, they above all de- 
mand the most reserve and care, since without our 
knowledge conscience frequently becomes in them 
auxiliary to pride. If then you are unable to com- 
mand yourself; if you do not feel enough of logical 
power, enough of grace, or at least of exactness of 
elocution, to contend with success, avoid controver- 
sies ; avoid them through fear of committing, in the 
eyes of weak people, that religion which you defend, 
aud of exposing yourself to lasting ridicule. But, 
whatever be the skill which you exhibit in eluding 
the arguments of your adversary, whatever be your 
triumph, and although your disposition should urge 
you, never turn a serious discussion into jest; from 
that moment you will lose all your advantages, 
and, although overthrown, your antagonist will re- 
cover himself with this just reflection, that ' nothing 
is proved by a jest.' 

Finally, while you manifest on every occasion a 



8 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

sincere and profound respect for religion, beware 
above all things of making a proclamation ef your 
piety. Avoid talking with those in your parish, about 
your confessor, and your religious observances. If 
you do not distinguish yourself from the crowd, they 
will take you for a hypocrite, or a person of small 
mind. If you recommend yourself, on the contrary, 
by superior merit, they will think that you take 
pleasure in sh6wing the contrast which exists be- 
tween your exalted talents and your humble faith. 
Between ourselves, would they be in the wrong ? 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 



CHAPTER II. 

Of Propriety of Conduct in Relation to Domestic 
Duties. 

Since we admit that there are duties of propriety 
relative to piety, there are also duties relative to 
filial piety, that other worship, that familiar venera- 
tion of the Deity, whom our parents represent on 
earth. The most sublime, the most touching marks 
of religion and of nature unite in commanding us to 
love and honor those from whom we have received 
life. We shall not offend our readers by supposing 
it requisite to insist upon the necessity of fulfilling 
a duty which is felt by all correct minds and all 
good hearts. 

The custom has prevailed of addressing the father 
and mother in the second person.* This mark of 
great confidence, and affectionate freedom, ought 
never to degenerate into an offensive familiarity. 
We ought always to address them in a respectful 
and kind tone 3 to anticipate them in every thing ; 

* This is an allusion to the idiom of the French lan- 
guage, and is inapplicable in English. — T. 



10 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

to ask their advice; to receive their reproofs with 
submission; to be silent with regard to the errors 
they may commit; to show them a lively gratitude 
on every occasion ; in short, whatever advantage you 
have over them, be careful to conceal it, and con- 
sider them always your superiors, your benefactors 
and your guides. 

Besides the daily marks of deference which we 
should show to our parents, there are other particu- 
lar attentions for which our affection should seek 
every occasion. At certain periods, such as the 
new year, the birth day, or day of baptism, we should 
offer them tender congratulations, or ingeniously de- 
vised presents. We are not allowed to dispense with 
these delicate attentions. If you have had success 
in the sciences or arts, make appropriate presents to 
those from whom you have derived the benefits of 
your education. 

If you are separated from your father and mother, 
write to them frequently ; let your style be impressed 
with a devoted affection ; repeat more particularly at 
the end of your letters the sentiments of respect and 
of love with which you should be inspired. 

As to what your uncles, aunts, brothers, sisters, 
and cousins require of you, you will know what 
are the duties of propriety in that respect, if you 
feel how dear family ties are; you will show to- 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 11 

wards some a respectful, and towards the others 
a friendly politeness. They should claim on ev- 
ery occasion your first visits and your first atten 
tions; you should identify yourself with them ii* 
all their prosperity or adversity; invite them above 
all others to fetes and meetings at your house, 
unless when you assemble a party on a special occa- 
sion, at which they would be entire strangers. You 
should always take care to invite your relations by 
themselves from time to time, to prove that you 
have no intention of slighting them. You may be 
more intimate with some of your family, and give 
them particular proofs of affection, but at these meet- 
ings you will do well to abstain from every act of 
preference. 

Without being at all wanting in cordiality, a little 
more ceremony should be used towards your relation? 
by marriage, to whom you indeed owe as much r# 
spect as to you* own relations. 



GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 



CHAPTER III. 



Of Propriety of Conduct in Conjugal and Domestic 
Relations. 

If any thing can render politeness ridiculous, and 
even odious, it is the disposition of certain persons, 
who in society are moderate, amiable, and gracious, 
but in private show themselves morose, rough, and 
ill-natured. This fault, much too common, is one of 
the greatest inconsistencies of the human mind. 
You use all your exertions to please the world 
which you only see cursorily, and in which you 
have only power to procure a few moments of pleas- 
ure, and you neglect to be agreeable to your hus- 
band or wife, from whom you expect the happiness 
of a whole life. Perhaps it would be better to be 
continually capricious or harsh, for the contrast of 
your politeness in the drawing-room with your 
impoliteness at home makes you appear still more 
odious. Conjugal intimacy, it is true, dispenses 
with the etiquette established by politeness, but it 
does not dispense with attentions. In the presence 
of your wife or husband, you ought never to do 
those things which carry with them an idea of dis- 
gust, nor perform those duties of the toilet, which 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 13 

before any one but yourself offend decency and 
cleanliness.* One ought never to permit disorder in 
his wardrobt under the excuse that he is just up, 
or at his own house. To dress with neatness, and 
elegant simplicity is important, even at home. 

The conversation of husband and wife cannot be 
elegant, and sustained in the same manner that it is 
in society ; it would indeed be superlatively ridicu- 
lous that it should not have interruption or relaxa- 
tion, but it should be free from all impoliteness 
and indelicacy. If at any time the society of your 
husband or wife causes you ennui, you ought 
neither to say so, nor give any suspicion of the 
cause by abruptly changing the conversation. In 
all discussions you should watch yourself attentively, 
lest domestic familiarity raise itself by degrees to 
the pitch of a quarrel. It is especially to females 
that this advice is addressed, and to the impressive 
words of Scripture, * woman was not created for 
wrath,' we may add these, 'she was created for 
gentleness.' 

To entertain with a politeness particularly affec- 
tionate the friends of the person with whom you are 
connected by marriage; to respect inviolably the 
letters which she writes or receives; to avoid pry 

* As washing the feet, cutting the nails, &c 
2 



14 GENTLEMAN AND LADl's 

ing into the secrets which she conceals from you 
through delicacy ; never to act contrary to her in- 
clinations, unless they are injurious to herself, and 
even in this case not to oppose her, but to endeavor 
to check them with address and kindness; to be- 
ware of confiding to strangers or to domestics the 
little vexations which she causes you ; to dread like 
poison marks of contempt, coldness, suspicion, or 
reproaches; to apologize promptly and in an affec- 
tionate manner if you have allowed yourself to run 
into any ill humor; to receive her counsels with 
attention and benevolence, and to execute them as 
quickly as possible — these are the obligations of pro- 
priety and love, to which married persons of gen- 
tleness bind themselves, by the sanctity of the 
vows which they have taken before God. There 
is a still more rigorous duty for a new married 
and well married persons; they must abstain in 
public from every mark of affection too conspic- 
uous, and every exclusive attention. Married per- 
sons who, in society, place themselves continual- 
ly near one another, and who converse and dance 
together, do not escape the ridicule to which their 
feelings blind them. In society, we ought above 
every thing to avoid being personal ; for a husband 
or a wife, is another self; and we must forget that 
self. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 15 

Mothers, in particular, spare no caresses towards 
your children, occupy yourselves entirely with them, 
unless perhaps you fear to render them proud, dif- 
ficult and insupportable 5 if you fatigue people by 
having them always present, if you encourage or 
repeat their prattle and their sports; if, on the 
other hand, you treat them with severity before 
strangers, if you reprimand or punish them, be as- 
sured every one will consider you unreasonable as 
well as ridiculous. 

Domestic propriety, which is at once a duty of 
justice, religion and humanity, is also a source of 
peace and pleasure. Servants treated with suitable 
regard, are attentive, zealous and grateful, and con- 
sequently every thing is done with order and affec- 
tion. Who does not know the charm and value of 
this? 

Duties of this class require that you should never 
command your domestics with hauteur and harsh- 
ness. Every time that they render you a service, 
it claims an expression, a gesture, or at least a look 
of thankfulness ; it requires that you should be still 
more affectionate towards the domestics of your ac- 
quaintances, and especially towards those of your 
friends, whom you ought alwa} T s to treat kindly. 
As to your own domestics, you should carefully 
beware of addressing to them any confidential or 

c 



16 GENTLEMAN AND LADY S 

even useless conversation, for fear of rendering them 
insolent or familiar; but propriety requires you to 
listen to them with kindness, and give them salutary 
advice when it is for their interest. It commands 
us also to show them indulgence frequently, in order 
to be able, when there is cause, to reprove them 
with firmness, without being obliged to have recourse 
to the false energy of anger. 

The ton of domestics ordinarily announces that of 
their masters. Never suffer them to remain seated 
while answering distinguished persons who ask for 
you. Take care that they do it always in a civil 
and polite manner ; let them lose no time, if there 
is occasion, in relieving your visitors of their over- 
shoes, umbrellas, cloaks, &c. ; let them go before, 
to save your visitors the trouble of opening and 
shutting the door. When an announcement is 
made, let them inform themselves respectfully of 
the name of the person, and pronounce it while hold- 
ing open for them the door of your room. If you 
are not there, let them offer a seat, requesting the 
guests to wait a moment while they go to call you. 

When visitors take leave, domestics ought to 
manifest a promptness in opening the outer door; 
they should hold the door by the handle, while you 
converse with the person whom you re-conduct; 
they should present them respectfully with what- 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 17 

ever garments they may have thrown off, and aid 
them in again putting them on; and should, if occa- 
sion requires, light them to the door, going slowly 
behind them. 

Accustom your domestics never to appear before 
you too poorly, or too much dressed ; never to sit in 
your presence, especially while waiting upon the 
table ; not to enter into conversation ; never to an- 
swer by signs, or in coarse terms. 

It is only among the badly educated people of the 
small towns that they say, the 'maid,' the l boy/ 
the ' domestic,' the ' servant ; ' and among the proud, 
ill-bred fashionables, who ape grandeur; the ' lack- 
ey,' the i valet,' ' my people ; ' well-bred persons 
simply say, the ( nurse,' the l cook,' the ' chamber- 
maid,' &c. ; and what is still better, they designate 
their domestics by their christian names. 

If you have ever met with those merciless house 
keepers who give you a whole tariff of the commodi- 
ties which they have been to market to purchase, 
attended by their maid; who entertain you con- 
stantly with the insults and unfaithfulness of their 
domestics; who fly into a passion before you on ac- 
count of a glass broken, of which they require the 
value, and make you witness and judge of pert 
discussions occasioned by servants' mistakes ; if you 
have had the misfortune to dine with such per- 
2* 



18 GENTLEMAN AND LADT's 

sons, and have seen them hand reluctantly to their 
sullen maid-servants one key after another, to ar- 
range the dessert brought out with a good supply 
of ill-humor; if you have seen them go to the 
cellar themselves, and when they have just left 
the table, to arrange in a surly manner the wine, 
sugar, and delicacies, tell me, poor guest, if, turning 
your head away with confusion and disgust, you 
have not an hundred times said to yourself, ' O ! 
what living and disgusting models of upstarts or 
provincials.' 






BOOK OF POLITENESS. 19 

CHAPTER IV. 

Of Propriety as Regards One's Self. 

Attention to one's person and reputation is also a 
duty. If vanity, pride, or prudery, have frequently 
given to these attentions the names of coquetry, am- 
bition, or folly, this is a still stronger reason, why we 
should endeavor to clear up these points. 

SECTION I. 

Of the Toilet. 

Propriety requires that we should always be 
clothed in a cleanly and becoming manner, even in 
private, in leaving our bed, or in the presence of no 
one. It requires that our clothing be in keeping 
with our sex, fortune, profession, age, and form, as 
well as with the season, the different hours of the 
day, and our different occupations. 

Let us now descend to the particulars of these 
general rules. 

The dress for a man on his first rising, is a cap of 
cotton, or silk and cotton, a morning gown, or a 
vest with sleeves ; for a lady, a small muslin cap 



20 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

(bonnet de percale,) a camisole or common robe. It 
is well that a half corset should precede the full cor- 
set, which last is used only when one is dressed; 
for it is bad taste for a lady not to be laced at all. 
The hair papers which cannot be removed on rising, 
(because the hair would not keep in curl till eve- 
ning,) should be concealed under a bandeau of lace, 
or of the hair. They should be ^removed as soon as 
may be.' In this dress, we can receive only intimate 
friends, or persons who call upon urgent or indispen- 
sable business ; even then we ought to offer some 
apology for it. To neglect to take off this morning 
dress as soon as possible, is to expose one's self to 
embarrassments often very painful, and to the ap- 
pearance of a want of education. Moreover, it is 
well to impose upon yourself a rule to be dressed 
at some particular hour, (the earliest possible.) since 
occupations will present themselves to hinder your 
being ready for the day; and you will easily ac- 
quire the habit of this. Such disorder of the toilet 
can be excused when it occurs rarely, or for a short 
time, as in such cases it seems evidently owing to a 
temporary embarrassment ; but if it occur daily, or 
constantly ; if it seems the result of negligence and 
slovenliness, it is unpardonable, particularly in ladies, 
whose dress seems less designed for clothing than 
ornament. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS* 21 

To suppose that great heat of weather will au- 
thorize this disorder of the toilet, and will permit us 
to go in slippers, or with our legs and arms bare, or to 
take nonchalant or improper attitudes, is an error of 
persons of a low class, or destitute of education. 
Even the weather of dog-days would not excuse 
this; and if we would remain thus dressed, we must 
give directions that we are not at home. On the 
other hand, to think that cold and rainy weather 
excuses like liberties, is equally an error. You ought 
not to be in the habit of wearing large socks, (this is 
addressed particularly to ladies,) as socks of list and 
similar materials; much less noisy shoes, such as 
wooden ones, galoches lined with fur, shoes with 
wooden soles, socks, &c; this custom is in the worst 
taste. When you go to see any one, you cannot 
dispense with taking off your socks or clogs before 
you are introduced into the room. For to make a 
noise in walking is entirely at variance with good 
manners. 

However pressed one may be, a lady of good 
ton should not go out in a morning dress, neither 
with an apron nor cap, even if it is made of 
fine cloth and trimmed with ribands; nor should 
a well-bred man show himself in the street in a 
waistcoat only, a jacket without sleeves, &c. We 
said before that the dress should be adapted to the 



22 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

different hours of the day. Ladies should make 
morning calls in an elegant and simple neglige, all 
the details of which we cannot give, on account of 
their multiplicity and the numerous modifications 
of fashion. We shall only say that ladies generally 
should make these calls in the dress which they 
wear at home. Gentlemen may call. in an outside 
coat, in boots and pantaloons, as when they are on 
their ordinary business. In short, this dress is proper 
for gentlemen's visits in the middle of the day. 
With regard to ladies, it is necessary for them when 
visiting at this time, to arrange their toilet with more 
care. Ceremonious visits, evening visits, and espe- 
cially balls, require more attention to the dress of 
gentlemen, and a more brilliant costume for ladies. 
There are for the latter, head-dresses particularly 
designed for such occasions, and for no other, such 
as rich blond caps, ornamented with flowers, bril- 
liant berrets and toques, appropriate to the drawing- 
room. 

The nicest cloth, new and very fine linen, an ele- 
gant but plain waistcoat ; a beautiful watch, to which 
is attached a single costly key, thin and well polished 
shoes, an entirely new hat, of a superior quality — 
is a dress at once recherche and rigorously exact, 
for gentlemen of good taste and ton. One's profession 
requires verv little modification of this costume; 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 23 

we should observe, however, that men of science 
(savans) and literary men and those in the profession 
of the law, should avoid having a fashionable or mil- 
itary costume, which is generally adopted by stu- 
dents, commercial men, and exquisites, for the sake of 
ton, or for want of something to do. 

Situation in the world determines among ladies 
those differences which, though otherwise well 
marked, are becoming less so every day. Every one 
knows that whatever be the fortune of a young lady, 
her dress ought always, in form as well as orna- 
ments, to exhibit less of a recherche appearance, and 
should be less showy than that of married ladies. 
Costly cashmeres, very rich furs, and diamonds, as 
well as many other brilliant ornaments, are to be 
forbidden a young lady ; and those who act in defi- 
ance of these rational marks of propriety make us 
believe that they are possessed of an unrestrained 
love of luxury, and deprive themselves of the pleas- 
ure of receiving these ornaments from the hand ot 
the man of their choice. 

All ladies cannot use indiscriminately the privilege 
which marriage confers upon them in this respect, 
and the toilet of those whose fortune is moderate 
should not pass the bounds of an elegant simplicity. 
Considerations of a more elevated nature, as of good 
domestic order, the dignity of a wife, and the duties 



24 GENTLEMAN AND LADl's 

of a mother, come in support of this law of propriety 
for it concerns morality in all its branches. 

We must beware of a shoal in this case 5 frequently 
a young lady of small fortune^ desiring to appear 
decently in any splendid assembly, makes sacrifices 
in order to embellish her modest attire. But these 
sacrifices are necessarily inadequate ; a new and bril- 
liant article of dress is placed by the side of a mean 
or old one. The toilet then wants harmony, which is 
the soul of elegance as well as of beauty. Moreover, 
whatever be the opulence which you enjoy, luxury 
encroaches so much upon it, that no riches are able 
to satisfy its demands ; but fortunately propriety, al- 
ways in accordance with reason, encourages by this 
maxim social and sensible women. Neither too high, 
nor too low, it is alike ridiculous either to pretend 
to be the most showy, or to display the meanest attire 
in an assembly. 

The rules suitable to' age resemble those which 
mediocrity of fortune imposes; for instance, old 
ladies ought to abstain from gaudy colors, recherche 
designs, too late fashions, and graceful ornaments, 
as feathers, flowers, and jewels. A lady in her de- 
cline wearing her hair dressed, and having short 
sleeves, and adorned with necklaces, bracelets, &c. 
offends against propriety as much as against her in- 
terest and dignity. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 25 

The rigorous simplicity of the dress of men estab- 
lishes but very little difference between that of 
young and old. The latter, however, ought to choose 
grave colors, not to follow the fashions too closely; 
to avoid garments too tight or too short, and not to 
have in view in their toilet any other object but 
ease and neatness, Unless the care of their health, 
or complete baldness, requires them to wear a wig,* 
it is more proper that old persons should show their 
white and noble heads. Old ladies, whom custom 
requires to conceal this respectable sign of a long 
life, should at least avoid hair too thick or too full of 
curls. 

If they would not appear ridiculous and clothed in 
a manner disagreeable or offensive, ladies ought to 
adopt in summer light garments, and delicate colors, 
and in winter, furs, thick and warm fabrics, and full 
colors. Men till lately w?re almost free from this 
obligation ; they used to be constantly clothed in 
broadcloth in all seasons : but now, although this may 
form the basis of their toilet, they must select stuffs 
for winter or summer, as may be suitable. It is in 
good ton for gentlemen to wear a rich cloak ; an outer 

* Young people who become bald, should not hesitate 
to have recourse to wigs. Nothing more saddens the 
appearance, than those bald skulls, which seem always 
to invite the observations of the anatomist 
3 



26 GENTLEMAN AND LADY S 

garment over the coat (especially one of silk,) is left 
for men of a certain age. It only belongs to septuage- 
narians and ecclesiastics to wear doublets or wadded 
outer coats. 

To finish our instructions relative to the toilet, it 
only remains for us to make a few observations. 

It is superlatively ridiculous for a lady to go on 
foot, with her head dressed or attired for the draw- 
ing-room or a ball. If one dwells in a provincial town 
where it is not customary to use carriages, they 
should go in a sedan chair. Who does not perceive 
how laughable it is to see a lady who is clothed in 
satin, lace, or velvet, laboriously walking in the dust 
or mud. 

Vary your toilet as much as possible, for fear that 
idlers and malignant wits, who are always a majority 
in the world, should amuse themselves by making 
your dress the description of your person. 

Certain fashionables seek to gain a kind of reputa- 
tion by the odd choice of their attire, and by their 
eagerness to seize upon the first caprices of the fash- 
ions. Propriety with difficulty tolerates these fancies 
of a spoilt child : but it applauds a woman of sense 
and taste, who is not in a hurry to follow the fashions, 
and asks how long they will probably last before 
adopting them; finally, who selects and modifies 
them with success according to her size and figure* 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 27 

It would be extremely clownish to carry dirt on 
one's shoes into a decent house, especially on a cere- 
monious visit ; and, when there is much mud, or when 
we cannot walk with skill, it is proper to go in a car- 
riage, or at least to put in requisition the services of 
a shoeblack at a short distance from the house. 



SECTION II. 

Of Reputation. 

Among the cares which propriety obliges us to 
take of our person, to please is but an accessary cir- 
cumstance ; the principal end is to indicate by clean- 
liness, and the suitableness of apparel, that good order. 
a sense of what is right, and politeness in all things, 
direct our thoughts and actions. In this point of 
view, we see that a regard to reputation is the neces- 
sary consequence of the duties of propriety toward 
one's self. 

To inspire esteem and consideration, is then the 
grand object of propriety of conduct; for without this 
treasure, the relations of society would be a humilia- 
tion and punishment. They are obtained by the dis 
charge of our obligations of family and of our pro- 
fession; by our probity and good manners; by our 
fortune and situation in society. 



28 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

Consideration is not acquired by words ; an article 
so precious demands a real value ; it demands also the 
assistance of discretion. So that we must begin by 
fulfilling exactly our duties towards relations , but we 
must beware of making public those petty quarrels, 
and little differences of interest, of ill-humor or opin- 
ion, which' sometimes trouble families most closely 
united. These momentary clouds, soon dissipated by 
affection and confidence, would be engraven on the 
memory of others as a proof of your domestic discords, 
and in the end, of your faults.* 

Probity, that powerful means of obtaining consid- 
eration, by its elevated and religious nature, is not 
within our investigation of the principles of polite- 
ness. 

This is not the case with that consideration which 
is attached to purity of morals. The proof of probity 
is in probity itself; but, thanks to the delicate shades 
of reputation, in regard to chastity, there exists, in- 
dependently of good conduct, a multitude of cares, 
and precautions, which, however minute and em 
barrassing at times ought never to be neglected. La- 
dies, to whom the advice contained in this paragraph 

* As to the means of obtaining consideration, in per- 
forming the duties appertaining to our station in life, see 
the following chapters. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 29 

is particularly addressed, know how the shadow of 
suspicion withers and torments them. This shadow, 
it is necessary to avoid at all hazards, and on that 
account to submit to all the requirements of pro- 
priety. 

Young married ladies are at liberty to visit by 
themselves their acquaintances, but they cannot pre- 
sent themselves in public without their husband, or 
an aged lady. They are at liberty however to walk 
with young married ladies or unmarried ones, while 
the latter should never walk alone with their compan- 
ions. Neither should they show themselves except 
with a gentleman of their family, and then he should 
be a near relation or of respectable age. 

Except in certain provincial towns, where there is a 
great strictness in behavior, young married ladies re- 
ceive the visits of gentlemen ; they permit their com- 
pany in promenades, without suffering the least injury 
to their reputation, provided it is always with men of 
good morals, and that they take care to avoid every 
appearance of coquetry. Young widows have equal 
liberty with married ladies. 

A lady ought not to present herself alone in a li 
brary, or a museum, unless she goes there to study 
or work as an artist. 

A lady ought to have a modest and measured gait , 
too great hurry injures the grace which ought to 



30 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

characterize her. She should not turn her head on 
one side and the other, especially in large towns, 
where this bad habit seems to be an invitation to the 
impertinent. If such persons address her in any 
flattering or insignificant terms, she should take 
good care not to answer them a word. If they per- 
sist, she should tell them in a brief and firm, though 
polite tone, that she desires to be left to herself. If 
a man follow her in silence, she should protend not 
to perceive him, and at the same time hasten a little 
her step. 

Towards the close of the day, a young lady would 
conduct herself in an unbecoming manner, if she 
should walk alone ; and if she passes the evening with 
any one, she ought to see that a domestic comes to 
accompany her, if not, to request the person whom 
she is visiting, to allow some one to do so. But 
however much this may be considered proper, and 
consequently an obligation, a married lady well edu- 
cated will disregard it if circumstances prevent her 
being able, without trouble, to find a conductor. 

If the master of the house wishes to accompany 
you himself, you must excuse yourself politely from 
giving him so much trouble, but finish however by 
accepting. On arriving at your house, you should 
offer him your thanks. In order to avoid these two 
inconveniences, it will be well to request your hus- 



SOOK OF POLITENESS. 31 

band, or some one of your relations to come and wait 
upon you; you will in this way avoid still another 
inconvenience ; in small towns, where malice is ex- 
cited by ignorance and want of something to do, they 
frequently censure the most innocent acts ; it is not 
uncommon to hear slanderous and silly gossips ob- 
serve, that madame such-a-one goes to madame such- : 
a-one's for the sake of returning with her husband. 
The seeds of such an imputation, once sown, quickly 
come to maturity. 

The care of the reputation of ladies further de- 
mands, that they should have a modest deportment , 
should abstain from forward manners, and free 
speeches. 

D 



32 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 



CHAPTER, V. 

Of Propriety, in Regard to One's Business or Pro- 
fession. 

Besides general politeness, that ready money which 
is current with all, there is a polite deportment suit- 
ed to every profession. Interest, custom, and the 
desire of particular esteem, the necessity of moderat- 
ing the enthusiasm which almost constantly animates 
us ; — are the motives which determine the different 
kinds of politeness that we are going to consider as 
regards shopkeepers, people in office, lawyers, phy- 
sicians, artists, military men, and ecclesiastics. As 
all this politeness is mutual, we shall necessarily 
speak of the obligations imposed upon people who 
have intercourse with these different persons. 

SECTION I. 

Politeness of Shopkeepers and Customers. 

Politeness in shopkeepers is a road to fortune, 
which the greater part of them are careful not to 
neglect, especially at Paris, where we find particu- 
larly the model of a well-bred shopkeeper. It is 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 33 

this model that we wish to hold up even to some Pa- 
risians, and to the retail dealers of the provincial 
towns, as well as to those who are unacquainted with 
trade, but are destined to that profession. 

"When a customer calls, the shopkeeper should sa- 
lute him politely, without inquiring after his health, 
unless he be intimately acquainted with him. He 
then waits until the customer has made known his 
wishes, advances toward him, or brings forward a 
seat j then shows him, with great civility, the articles 
for which he has inquired. If the purchaser be diffi- 
cult to suit, capricious, ridiculous, or even disdainful, 
the shopkeeper ought not to appear to perceive it; 
he may, however, in such cases, show a little cold- 
ness of manner. 

The part which shopkeepers have to act is fre- 
quently painful, we must allow ; there are some peo- 
ple who treat them like servants; there are some 
capricious fashionables, who go into a shop only to 
pass the time, to see the new fashions, and who, 
with this object, make the shopkeeper open a hun- 
dred bundles, show heaps of goods, and finish by 
going out, saying in a disdainful tone, that nothing 
suits them. There are some merciless purchasers 
who contend for a few cents with all the tenacity of 
avarice, obstinacy and pride ; however, under all 
these vexations, the shopkeeper must show constant 



34 GENTLEMAN AND LADY r S 

urbanity. He waits upon such imperious purchasers 
with readiness, but nevertheless in silence, for he 
must be convinced that the more complying we are 
to people of this sort, the more haughty and difficult 
they show themselves. 

With capricious fashionables, his patience should 
never forsake him ; and although he well knows what 
will be the result of their fatiguing call, he neverthe- 
less should show them his goods, as if he thought 
they really intended to buy ; for sometimes this 
tempts them to purchase. Even though his polite- 
ness should be all lost, he should still express his 
regret at not having been able to suit the lady, and 
hope to be more fortunate another time } he should 
then conduct her politely to the door, which he should 
hold open until her carriage leaves it. 

A shopkeeper who wishes to save time, words, and 
vexation, who even feels the dignity of his profes- 
sion, ought to sell at a fixed price, or if he does not 
announce that he sells in that mode, he ought at least 
to adopt it, and not to have what is called an asking 
price. If, however, he has to do with those gossips 
who think themselves cheated unless something is 
abated, or who design to impose sacrifices on the 
shopkeepers, it is necessary to carry on this ridicu- 
lous skirmishing politely, and to yield by degrees, 
without exhibiting any marks of displeasure at these 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 35 

endless debates. But the dealer of bon ton abstains 
from those lofty assurances, those laughable adjura- 
tions, declarations of loss, and of preference, as, I lose 
all profit, it is because it is you, and other foolish 
things, which make a lackey's office of a truly re- 
spectable profession. 

The clerks' should carry the articles purchased to 
the desk, whither they should politely conduct the 
purchaser ) they then should make up the bundle 
which they should not deliver until the bill is set- 
tled, and the purchaser is ready to depart. If the 
latter is not on foot, the bundle should not be deliv- 
ered until he is seated in a carriage, and the door is 
ready to be shut. If, on the contrary, the purchaser 
is not in a carriage, he must be asked whether he 
wishes to have the bundle carried home. This po- 
liteness is indispensable if the bundle is large, and es- 
pecially if the purchaser be a lady. 

It is further necessary that the person at the desk 
should offer small change for the balance of the pur 
chase and should apologize if he is obliged to give 
copper or heavy money ; he ought to present a bill 
of the articles, and not show any ill-humor if the pur- 
chaser thinks proper to look over it. 

There is one circumstance which tries the polite- 
ness of the most civil shopkeepers; it is when an 
assortment is wanted. It is indeed irksome enough 



36 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

to show a great quantity of goods, and give patterns 
of them, with the certainty almost that all you do 
will avail nothing. But it ought not to be forgotten, 
that like all other qualities, politeness has its trials, 
and that perhaps the person who has thus chanced 
to call at their shop, will be induced by this amenity 
of behavior, to continue always a customer. 

We trust that the shopkeepers' clerks, in the re- 
commendations which we are now about to give 
them, will not see any silly attempt to address them 
with smart sayings. 

By enjoining upon them to avoid volubility — a 
disrespectful familiarity toward ladies— extravagant 
praises of their goods— an affected zeal in serving 
rich persons — an impolite tardiness, and disdainful 
inattention to people of a diffident manner — the ri- 
diculous habit of wishing to make conversation — to 
urge people to buy whether they wish to or not — 
to stun them with the names of all the goods in the 
shop— by enjoining upon them to avoid these things, 
we intend less to unite in, than to preserve them from 
the reproaches of fault-finders. 

Every civility ought to be reciprocal, or nearly so. 
If the officious politeness of the shopkeeper does 
not require an equal return, he has at least a claim 
to civil treatment; and, finally, if this politeness 
proceed from interest, is this a reason why purchas- 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 37 

ers should add to the unpleasantness of his profes- 
sion, and disregard violating the laws of politeness ? 
Many very respectable people allow themselves so 
many infractions in this particular, that I think it my 
duty to dwell upon it. 

You should never say, / want such ,a thing, but 
have the goodness to show me, or shozc me, if you 
please, that article, or use some other polite form of ad- 
dress. If they do not show you at first the articles 
you desire, and you are obliged to examine a great 
number, apologize to the shopkeeper for the trouble 
you give him. If after all you cannot suit yourself, 
renew your apologies, when you go away. 

If you make small purchases, say, / ask your par- 
don, or I am sorry for having troubled, you for so tri- 
fling a thing. If you spend a considerable time in 
the selection of articles, apologize to the shopkeeper 
who waits for you to decide. 

If the price seems to you too high, and the 
shop has not fixed prices, ask an abatement in brief 
and civil terms, and without ever appearing to sus- 
pect the good faith of the shopkeeper. If he does 
not yield, do not enter into a contest with him, but 
go away, after telling him politely that you think 
you can obtain the article cheaper elsewhere, but if 
not, that you will give him the preference. If his 
clerk inquires whether you wish for any other 
4 



38 GENTLEMAN AND LADY's 

article, answer always in a manner to encourage 
him that you will call again. We should never ne 
gleet to be agreeable. Thank him always when you 
go out. 

SECTION II. 

Politeness between Persons in Office and the Public. 

This kind of politeness is not much famed ; nor can 
it be, since the desire of pleasing and the expectation 
of gain, have here no influence. Besides, as we re- 
main but a moment with these gentlemen, and as 
they have business with a great many people, the 
observances and forms of politeness would be mis- 
placed. The following are points to be observed by 
them, and are by no means rigid ; the greater there- 
fore the reason for conforming to them. 

A man in office is not obliged to rise and salute 
people, nor to offer them a seat; it is enough for 
him to receive them by an inclination of the head, 
and make a sign with the hand, to intimate to them 
to be seated. The business being finished, he salutes 
them on leaving, as before, but never conducts them 
back to the door. It would be ridiculous to be of- 
fended with these bureaucratic forms, and still more 
so, to wish to enter into conversation, to make inqui- 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 39 

ries concerning the health, &c. In proportion to 
their official habits, those in office ought, in society, 
to watch themselves with care. 



SECTION III. 

Politeness of Lawyers and their Clients. 

Politeness is a very difficult thing for this respecta 
ole class, who see constantly before their eyes peo- 
ple under the influence of a feeling which renders 
them little amiable, namely, interest. Besides, being 
in the habit of refuting their adversaries, and being 
obliged to do it promptly, they acquire, in general, a 
kind of bluntness, a decisive tone, a spirit of contra- 
diction, against which they ought to be on their guard 
in company, as also in their places of business. The 
familiar usage of common inquiries after the health is 
not customary between attorneys or advocates and 
their clients, unless they have before been acquaint- 
ed with them. They are however bound to observe 
attentions which are not practised by persons in 
office. They rise to salute their clients, offer them 
a seat, and conduct them to the door when they 
take leave ; they observe what is due to sex, rank, 
and age. 

As to clients, they ought to conform to the ordi- 



40 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

nary rules of civility ; they ought, moreover, not 
to exhibit any signs of impatience while waiting 
until they can be received. They should take 
care to be clear and precise in the narration of 
their business, and not to importune, by vain repeti- 
tions or passionate declamations, the counsellor who 
is listening to them. They should also consider 
that his moments are precious, and retire as soon as 
they shall have sufficiently instructed him in their 
business. 



SECTION IV. 

Politeness of Physicians and their Patients. 

The observances adopted in the offices of lawyers, 
are likewise practised in regard to physicians ; but 
sympathy should give to the tone or manner of 
the latter a more affectionate character. Patients, 
well educated, will beware of abusing it, and will 
keep to themselves all complaints which are useless 
towards a knowledge of their malady. They will 
answer the questions of the doctor in a clear, brief 
and polite manner ; and when these questions do not 
embrace the observations which they may themselves 
have made on their disorder, they will say so, at the 
same time one ring some excuse like the following ; I 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 41 

ask your pardon ; this observation is perhaps idle, but 
being myself ignorant, and wishing to omit nothing , 
I submit it to your good judgment. 

You ought to give frequent and heartfelt thanks 
to the physician who affords you his advice or atten- 
tions. The circumstance of his being unsuccessful 
does not exonerate you from these testimonies of 
gratitude ; it renders them perhaps more obligatory, 
for delicacy requires that you should not appear 
tacitly to reproach him on account of his having 
been unfortunate in his efforts. 

Being obliged to speak of different wants and of 
different parts of the body, for which politeness has 
no appropriate language, the physician ought to 
avoid being obscure or gross, particularly when ad- 
dressing ladies. A forgetfulness of these forms often 
renders insupportable even a meritorious and learned 
man. 

Every one knows, with what delicate precautions 
a physician ought to speak before the patient and 
his family, of the nature of the illness and of the 
probable consequences when there exists any danger ; 
in what guarded terms he should at last disclose to 
them a fatal termination, if unfortunately it has be- 
come inevitable. Every body knows, also, that how- 
ever poignant may be the grief of parents, they 
ought never to let it appear in their conversations 
*4 



42 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

with the physician, that they regard him as the 
cause of their affliction. 



SECTION V. 

Politeness of Artists and Authors, and the Deference 
due to them. 

Do artists come under the common rule, it may 
perhaps be asked ? and I, in my turn, shall ask : Do 
they live like others, — these men, always absorbed 
in one strong and single conception, with which 
they, like the Creator, wish to animate matter? — 
who seek every where the secret of the beautiful 
which goads, infatuates, and evades them ? — pas- 
sionate, absorbed in thought, ingenuous, almost al- 
ways strangers to calculation, to pleasure, and to 
the occupations of the world ? No, they have a 
separate existence, one which the world does not 
comprehend, and which they ought to conceal from 
the world. 

If, as we shall see hereafter, one should avoid 
speaking of his profession, and of his personal affairs, 
for a still stronger reason, ought an artist to be silent 
about his own labors, his success, and his hopes. 
People will accuse him of arrogance, of vanity, and 
perhaps even of madness ; for enthusiasm is not in- 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 43 

eluded in, nor admitted into society, because there 
the ridiculous is feared above every thing, and from 
the sublime to the ridiculous there is but one step. Let 
him, then, reserve only for his friends, for true friends 
of the arts, his noble and striking bursts of inspira- 
tion. 

People are also generally prone to suspect artists 
of jealousy. In order to escape this accusation, and 
at the same time preserve the right of telling their 
thoughts, they ought to commend warmly what ap- 
pears to them good, and criticise with much modera 
tion and without any raillery what is defective. 

These observations are addressed equally to au- 
thors, but with this important addition. Besides the 
charge of arrogance, people are much disposed to ac- 
cuse them of pedantry. Let them therefore be care- 
ful, and check constantly the desire of entering into 
conversation upon the interesting subjects with 
which they are continually occupied. Let them al- 
ways be in fear of obtaining the name of a bel esprit y 
a name which calls up so many recollections of ped- 
antry and affectation. 

A graceful simplicity, a happy mixture of eleva- 
tion and naivete, should characterise authors and 
artists, but particularly female authors and artists. 
Ladies who handle the pen, the lyre, or the pen- 
cil, ought to be well persuaded that any vestige 



44 GENTLEMAN AND LADl's 

of prejudice raises against them, especially in pro- 
vincial places, a multitude of unfavorable observa- 
tions. And besides, so many half-instructed women 
have had so much the air and manners of upstarts, 
that this opinion is almost excusable. Now this 
prejudice lays it down as a rule, that every female 
author or artist may be known at first sight, by her 
oddities, her want of modesty, or her pedantic folly. 
Do away this unjust prejudice, my female friends: 
it will be both easy and pleasant ; you will have only 
to follow the influence of an elevated soul, and pure 
taste ; you will have but to remind yourselves that 
simplicity is the coquetry of genius. 

But if people who cultivate literature and the arts 
ought to apply themselves without reluctance or ill- 
humor to all the requirements of society ; if they 
ought to strip themselves of all pretension, and for- 
get themselves, others should not forget them. Po- 
liteness requires that we converse with an author 
concerning his works ; that we congratulate him 
on his success; and bestow upon him suitable and 
delicate praises. If any of his works are unknown to 
us, we should ask of him the loan of it with earnest- 
ness ; we should read it with promptitude, and prove 
to him by our citations that we have a thorough ac- 
quaintance with it. If he make us a present of any 
of his productions, we shall owe him a call, or at 



, 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 45 

least a billet of thanks. Handsome compliments, 
and lively testimonials of acknowledgment, ought to 
fill up this visit or billet. Remember, also, that to 
please an artist, it is necessary to flatter at once his 
taste, his self-esteem, and his cultivation of the fine 
arts. Speak to him, therefore, like a connoisseur or 
at least an admirer of music, or of painting. Ask the 
favor of seeing his pictures, or of hearing his sym- 
phonies. Contemplate the former a long time) lis- 
ten to the latter with great attention ; address to him 
lively congratulations mingled with thanks; then, by 
an adroit transition, put to him questions which prove 
your desire to be initiated into a knowledge of the 
arts. 

When an artist or a writer obtains any honorable 
distinction, as a prize, a medal, dramatic success, or 
an academical title, his friends and acquaintances 
should lose no time in offering him their compli- 
ments. Those at a distance may perform this duty of 
politeness by writing. 

Not only authors by profession, but literary per- 
sons who publish a discourse, a little work, or a 
pamphlet, should send, in an envelope, a copy to 
their family, friends, professional brethren, authors 
who have addressed to them similar presents, to their 
intimate acquaintances, their superiors, and to those 
persons to whom they owe respect— according to the 



46 GExXTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

nature of the work, — and to the people with whom 
they have relations of plersure, or of business. It is 
an affectionate and very polite custom for the author 
to write with his own hand at the top of the first leaf, 
or of the cover, some kind or respectful words, ac- 
cording to the person to whom it is addressed. These 
words, which are designed to make of the gift a re- 
membrance or homage, are always written under the 
name of the person, and signed by the author. We 
will here speak of a dedication only to observe, 
that we cannot dedicate a work to any one, without 
having previously obtained his consent, either ver- 
bally or by writing. When it is to the king, queen, 
or princes, it is necessary to write to their secretary, 
to know their wish in this respect. As to any oth- 
er person of dignity, we may write to him without 
any intermediate agency. If the members of the 
royal family have accepted the dedication, the author 
is generally allowed the honor of presenting his work 
to them. 

SECTION VI. 

Politeness of Military Men. 

Military politeness has, as we know, some partic- 
ular characteristics. Officers and soldiers do not 
uncover themselves on entering a church, if they are 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 47 

under arms ; only during the elevation of the host,* 
they raise the right hand to the front part of their 
helmet, cap, or shako. t When soldiers converse 
with their superiors, they constantly hold the edge 
of the hand to their forehead. On entering a draw- 
ing room an officer lays down his sabre or sword. 

It is not in good ton for a man to present himself 
before ladies, in the uniform of the national guard, 
unless some circumstance excuses or authorises this 
liberty. 

In a citizen's dress, officers may wear a black 
cravat. 

If we are acquainted with military men, in address- 
ing them, we call them only general, or captain ; for 
it would be uncivil to give them the title of an infe- 
rior grade ; thus we should not say lieutenant. 

* This has reference, of course, to Catholic countries 
only.— T. 

f A kind of military cap. 



48 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 



SECTION VII. 

Politeness of Ecclesiastics and Females of Religious 
Orders ; and the Deference due to them* 

A priest should be considered in two points of 
view ; when he is exercising his holy office, and 
when he is taking part in the relations of society. 
In the first case, he is an object of special respect; 
even the title to be given him, the words to be ad- 
dressed to him, and the attitude to be taken in speaking 
to him, are regulated by the liturgy. But, although 
the ecclesiastic be not now in society an object of 
religious veneration, he has, as the representative 
of God, or as a minister of the altar, a claim to much 
respect and deference. Too light conversation, danc- 
ing and love songs, would be out of place in his 
presence. 

Ecclesiastics have two shoals to avoid. Their cus- 
tom of preaching a severe and sacred morality, and 
of catechising or censuring with authority the pen- 

* See note page 2. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 49 

itent, gives them sometimes a dogmatical and rigid 
tone, a pedantry of morality altogether contrary to 
social affability. Sometimes, also, to guard against 
this result, which they feel to be almost inevitable, 
ecclesiastics, especially the more aged, indulge them- 
selves in unsuitable pleasantries, which they would 
not dare to allow in men of the world. A mild gravity, 
a moderate gaiety, a noble and affectionate urbanity 
— these are the characteristics which ought to dis- 
tinguish the ecclesiastic, in society. 



50 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 



PART II. 

OF PROPRIETY OF DEPORTMENT IN REGARD TO 
OUR SOCIAL RELATIONS. 

CHAPTER I. 

Of Deportment in the Street. 

Some readers will perhaps be surprised to see me 
commence a chapter with the duty we owe to persons 
passing in the street ; but if they reflect upon it, they 
will see that there are, even on this subject, a suffi- 
cient number of things proper to be mentioned. 

When you are passing in the street, and see coming 
towards you a person of your acquaintance, whether 
a lady, a man raised to dignity, or an elderly person, 
you should offer them the wall, that is to say, the 
side next the houses. 

If a carriage happen to stop in such a manner as 
to leave only a narrow passage between it and the 
houses, beware of elbowing and rudely crowding the 
passengers, with a view to getting by more expedi- 
tiously : wait your turn, and if any one of the per- 
sons before mentioned comes up, you should edge up 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 51 

to the wall, in order to give them the place. They 
also, as they pass, ought to bow politely to you. 

If stormy weather has made it necessary to lay a 
plank across the gutters, which have become sud- 
denly full of water, it is not proper to crowd before 
another, in order to pass over the frail bridge. 

Further, — a young man of good breeding should 
promptly offer his hand to ladies, even if they are not 
acquaintances, when they pass such a place. 

You must pay attention to your manner of walking, 
for fear of throwing mud around you, and spattering 
yourself as well as those who accompany you, or who 
walk behind you. Any person, particularly a lady, 
who walks in this improper manner, whatever her 
education may be in other respects, will always ap- 
pear awkward and clumsy. 

Every one knows that the Parisian ladies are cel- 
ebrated for their skill in walking: we see them in 
white stockings and thin shoes, passing through 
long, dirty, blocked up streets, gliding by care- 
less persons, and by vehicles crossing each other in 
every direction, and yet return home after a walk of 
several hours, without soiling their clothes in the 
least. 

To arrive at this astonishing res alt, which causes 
the wonder and vexation of provincial visiters on 
their first coming to Paris, we must be careful to put 



52 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

the foot on the middle of the paving stones, and 
never on the edges, for, in that case, one inevitably 
slips into the interstice between one pavement and 
another: we must begin by supporting the toe, be 
fore we do the heel ; and even when the mud is quite 
deep, we must put down the heel but seldom. When 
the street becomes less muddy, we can compensate 
ourselves for this fatigue, of which, however, in the 
end, we are hardly sensible. 

This manner of walking is strictly necessary when 
you offer your arm to any one. When tripping over 
the pavement, (as the saying is) a lady should grace- 
fully raise her dress a little above her ancle. With 
the right hand she should hold together the folds of 
her gown and draw them towards the right side. To 
raise the dress on both sides, and with both hands, is 
vulgar. This ungraceful practice can be tolerated 
only for a moment, when the mud is very deep. 

It is an important thing in the streets of a large 
city to edge one's self along ; that is to avoid jostling 
and being jostled by those who are passing. A neg- 
lect of this attention, will make you appear not only 
awkward and ridiculous, but you will receive or give 
dangerous blows. One can edge along by turning 
sideways, contracting his arms, and watching with 
his eye the direction which it is best to take in order 
not to come in contact with the person who meets 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 53 

him. A little practice and care will soon make this 
duty familiar. 

To make our way along, becomes more difficult 
when we have a packet or an umbrella to carry, es- 
pecially if the latter is open. It is then necessary to 
lower or raise it, or to turn it on one side. If you 
neglect these precautions, you run the risk of striking 
it against those who are coming and going, or of see- 
ing it twirled round, and of being thrown against a 
carriage, or against some one who will complain bit- 
terly of your incivility and awkwardness. 

If you have no umbrella, and find yourself over- 
taken by a sudden shower, and any person provided 
with one is going in the same direction, you may re- 
quest them to shelter you ; they should receive your 
request with much politeness, inform themselves of 
the place where you wish to stop, and offer to con- 
duct you there, unless it is too much out of the way, 
or they be pressed for business; in this case, they 
should express their regret at not being able to ac- 
company you so far as you wish. 

What we are now about to say, proves that a per- 
son truly polite, will not wait for you to make this 
request, but will use every exertion to anticipate it: 
we must observe however, whether age, sex, or dress, 
present no objection ; for sometimes one would be 
treated with ill-humor and contempt; and if you are 
5* 



54 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

a lady, particularly arrived at a certain age, it would 
be extremely unpleasant to accost a person, who, on 
his par^ ought never to offer this favor, nor any other, 
to ladies, and whose air and immodest manners indi- 
cate at once his vulgarity. It would be equally out 
of place to address such a request to those of a very 
low class ; but if such a one asks the favor of you, 
it is proper to receive it with politeness. 

Another not uncommon point of propriety to be 
observed, consists in asking and pointing out the 
different streets. If you have occasion for this ser- 
vice, you speak politely, and say in a kind tone, 
Madam, or Sir, where is such a street, if you please? 
You should be careful to give this title to persons 
whom you address, even if they should be porters or 
hucksters. It is particularly to these that you should 
have recourse, for in addressing persons passing by, 
you are liable to meet those who, as well as your- 
self, are strangers to the neighborhood, or to hinder 
those who are busy; it is moreover, impolite to 
trouble shopkeepers in their places of business. The 
direction being given us, we should thank them, at 
the same time bowing. Parisians are justly celebrat- 
ed for the politeness and complaisance with which 
they show the way to passengers, and you ought to 
imitate them, every time that occasion offers. . If 
you are a man, and a lady or distinguished person 



BOOK OF POLITENESS 55 

asks this favor of you, you should take off your hat 
while answering them. 

There are some ill-mannered and malicious persons, 
who take pleasure in misleading strangers by wrong 
directions. It will be enough to mention such imper- 
tinence in order to despise it as we ought. 

As to those young men who entertain a false idea 
that Parisian ladies are coquettes or forward in their 
manners, and besides, that every thing is allowable 
in a large city, let them be assured that a man who 
dares (as often happens) to address improper compli- 
ments to ladies, to follow them, to listen to their con- 
versation, or to finish a sentence which they have 
begun, is a model of rudeness, an object of aversion 
to ladies, and of contempt to gentlemen. A young 
man of good manners ought not to look at a lady too 
narrowly, or he will pass for an impertinent fellow 
who, as the saying is, stares people full in the face, 
(sous le nez.) 

It is especially when there are many persons as- 
sembled in one place that these boors play off their 
rude tricks, to which they give the name of hoaxes 
for the multitude ; at first because they are unper- 
ceived, and afterwards, because the least bad among 
them think that the crowd are out of the jurisdiction 
of propriety. This opinion, which obtains among 
some persons, is an error. Politeness becomes still 



56 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

more indispensable, in proportion to the assemblage. 
Why are crowds usually so disagreeable, and even 
dangerous? It is because they are composed of 
people without education, who rudely push against 
their neighbours, with their fist or elbow, who neglect 
to follow the movement of going and coming, who, 
on occasion of the slightest collision, raise loud com- 
plaints, and, by their lamentations, their cries, and 
continual trepidation, render insupportable a situa- 
tion which, without this, would be troublesome 
enough. 

When we meet, in the street, a person of our ac- 
quaintance, we salute them, if there is occasion, by 
bowing and uncovering ourselves. Sometimes it is 
not enough to give a simple salutation, but we must 
go to the person and inquire how they are, if we see 
them frequently. While we are speaking, if there 
is occasion, and it be a lady, or an aged and respect- 
able man, we remain uncovered : it is for the latter, 
who see how troublesome this politeness is in win- 
ter, to insist that the person addressing them should 
put on his hat. It also belongs to the person who is 
the more important of the two, to take leave first. 
For example, in a meeting of this kind, a gentleman 
never leaves a lady until she takes leave of him ; nor 
is a young lady allowed to leave first a married or 
elderly lady. During this interview, which should 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 57 

be very short, the speaker of least importance ought 
to take the lower part of the side-walk, in order to 
keep the person with whom he is conversing, from 
the neighborhood of the carriages. It would be su- 
premely ridiculous to enter into a long conversation, 
and thus detain, against their will, the person ac- 
costed. If we have any thing urgent to say, we 
may ask permission to accompany them. We will 
add, that at Paris, a young man ought to avoid ap- 
proaching, and even saluting a young lady of his 
acquaintance, out of regard to the natural timidity of 
her sex. 

If there is a stranger with the one whom we meet, 
we must be contented with saluting the latter with- 
out stopping, otherwise we put his companion in a 
disagreeable position. This civility becomes a rigor- 
ous duty if they are accompanied by a lady. An- 
cient gallantry required that in this last case, we not 
only should not stop, but still more, that we should 
not salute an acquaintance, or friend who may pass; 
this is in order not to force her companion to salute 
an unknown person (for one should, bow every time 
that the person bows with whom we are ;) but this 
custom may be modified. If it is a friend, or young 
man, one may be content with making merely a mo- 
lion ; but' if it be an elderly man, a distinguished 
character, or a lady, it is necessary to salute them, 



58 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

saying to the companion : I take the liberty to salute 
Mr. or Madam N. 

If a person of your acquaintance is at a window, and 
you are thought to perceive them, you ought to address 
to them a salutation. But it is necessary to avoid 
speaking to them from the street, or making signs, 
for this is a custom of bad ton. 

To enter into a long conversation with common and 
low people, who make their door-step their parlor, 
shows you to be almost as ill bred as they themselves 
are. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 59 

CHAPTER II. 

Of Different Kinds of Visits. 

Visits are a very important part of the social rela- 
tions. ; they are not merely the simple means of com- 
munication established by necessity, since they have 
at once for their object, duty and pleasure, and they 
enter into almost all the acts of life. 

There are many kinds of visits, but we shall con- 
fine ourselves to the principal ones; as for those 
which only occur under peculiar circumstances, the 
reader will find them mentioned in the course of this 
work. The first are the visits on new year's day, 
next, those of friendship and of ceremony : we shall 
not speak of visits of business, as what we have said 
in speaking of propriety in relation to different pro- 
fessions, will dispense with our entering into new 
details. 

At the return of each new year, custom and duty re- 
quire us to present ourselves to our relations first; 
afterwards to our patrons, our friends, and those who 
have done any kindness for us. 

These visits are divided into several classes ; those 
of the evening or afternoon, which are the most 
polite ) of the morning, which are the most friendly 



60 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

and respectful ; by cards, and presenting one's self, 
and by cards without presenting one's self; visits 
weekly, which are confined to acquaintances with 
whom we have not very close relations; monthly 
which are less ceremonious, but however partake 
of coldness: it is at Paris more than any other 
place, that these visits are permitted ; such calls de- 
mand much attention to the toilet; they should be 
as short as possible ; a visit of quarter of an hour is 
long enough, and we should be careful to retire when 
other persons come in. 

It should appear ridiculous to wish persons a hap- 
py new year, in ceremonious visits. 

I shall not mention friendly calls, except to re- 
mind my readers, that almost all ceremony should 
be dispensed with. They are made at all hours, 
without preparation, without dressing; a too bril- 
liant attire would be out of place, and if the engage 
ments of the day carry you in such a costume to the 
house of a friend, you ought obligingly to make an 
explanation. Should you not find them at home, do 
not leave a card ; such useless ceremony would as- 
tonish your friends. Merely remind the domestics 
to mention your calling, and leave your card, only 
when the servants are absent ; then the card should 
be rolled up, and put in the key-hole. It will be well 
to call again soon. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 61 

With a friend, or relation whom we treat as such, 
we do not keep an account of our visits. The one 
who has most leisure, calls upon him who has the 
least ; but this privilege ought not to be abused ; it 
is necessary to make our visits of friendship at suita- 
ble times. 

On the contrary, a visit of ceremony should never 
be made without keeping an account of it, and we 
should even remember the intervals at which they 
are returned ; for it is indispensably necessary to let 
a similar interval elapse. People in this way give 
you notice whether they wish to see you often or 
seldom. There are some persons whom one goes to 
see once in a fortnight, others once a month, &c. ', 
others, however, less frequently. In order not to 
omit visits, which are to be made, or to avoid making 
them from misinformation, when a preceding one 
has not been returned, persons who have an exten- 
sive acquaintance, will do well to keep a little memo- 
randum for this purpose. 

We cannot make ceremonious visits in a becom- 
ing manner, if we have any slight indisposition which 
may for the time affect our appearance, or voice — 
which may embarrass our thoughts, and render 
our company fatiguing; such for instance as a 
swelled face, cold, or a slight headache ; in that case 
it would appear impolite and familiar. On the 
6 



62 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

contrary, make visits of friendship under such cir- 
cumstances, and then you will appear more amiable 
and zealous. 

To take a suitable time, is as indispensable in visit- 
ing, as in any thing else. 

One can obtain this, by remembering the habits of 
the person he is going to see ) by making his ar- 
rangements so as not to call at the time of taking 
meals, in moments of occupation, and when his 
friends are walking. This time necessarily varies ; 
but as a general rule we must take care not to make 
ceremonious visits, either before the middle of the 
day, or after five o'clock. To do otherwise would, 
on the one hand, look like importunity, by presenting 
one's self too early ; and on the other, might interfere 
with arrangements that had been made for the eve- 
ning. 

After making one's toilet with care, visiters should 
furnish themselves with cards, that is, with small 
pieces of card or pasteboard 7 upon which their name 
is printed or well written. Gentlemen ought simply 
to put their cards into their pocket, but ladies may 
carry them in a small elegant portfolio, called a card 
case. This they can hold in their hand, and it 
will contribute essentially (with an elegant handker- 
chief of embroidered cambric,) to give them an air of 
good taste. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 63 

We shall here make a digression in relation to 
cards. It was not considered impolite, formerly, to 
take the cards of a cast off pack, cut them crosswise 
into three parts, and write one's name upon them; 
this, however, is now a subject of ridicule, and is 
only seen in provincial towns, where they some- 
times also subtitute for these cards small pieces of 
thick paper. Next to these cards come those made 
of thin pasteboard, smooth, gilt-edged, watered, and 
intended to have the name in writing. These are 
suitable for young gentlemen and young ladies, and 
they answer for half ceremonious visits. After these 
come lithographic cards, then printed ones, and last 
those which are engraved. Some cards are figured 
in a rich manner, presenting every degree of expen- 
sive elegance. Every one will choose these accord- 
ing to his taste ; but it is well to observe that cards 
ornamented with borders, and those of the color of 
the rose, and sky blue, are not suitable for men, nor 
for ladies of mature years, because they have an air 
of over-nicety. 

The title is usually placed under the name, and in 
large cities, the address, at the bottom of the card 
and in smaller letters. Mourning cards are sur- 
mounted with a black margin ; half mourning ones are 
of a bright gray. 

It is bad ton to keep the cards you have received 
F 



64 GENTLEMAN A>D LADIES 

around the frame of a looking glass ; such an expo- 
sure shows that you wish to make a display of the 
names of distinguished visiters. At the beginning of 
a new year, or when from some cause or other which 
multiplies visiters at your house, (such as a funeral 
or a marriage,) you are obliged to return these nu- 
merous calls, it is not amiss to preserve the cards 
in a convenient place, and save yourself the trouble 
of writing a list ; but if, during the year, your glass 
is always seen bristling with smoke-dried cards, it 
will be attributed without doubt, to an ill-regulated 
self-esteem. But let us return to our visiters. 

If the call is made in a carriage, the servant will 
ask if the lady you wish to see is at home. If per- 
sons call in a hired carriage, or on foot, they go 
themselves to ask the servants. Servants are con- 
sidered as soldiers on duty ; if they reply that the 
person has gone out, we should by no means urge 
the point, even if we were certain it was not the 
case ; and if by chance we should see the person, 
we should appear not to have noticed it, but leave 
our card and retire. When the servant informs us 
that the lady or gentleman is unwell, engaged in 
business, or dining, we must act in a similar man- 
ner. 

We should leave as many cards as there are per- 
sons we wish to see in the house ; for example, one 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 65 

for the husband, another for his wife, another for the 
aunt, &c. When admitted, we should lay aside our 
overshoes, umbrella, cloak, &c. in the antechamber ; 
even ladies should lay aside their cloaks in the houses 
of distinguished persons. In the provincial towns 
they commonly keep them on. We are then an- 
nounced by the servant, if it is the custom of the 
house, or at least we wait until (without announcing 
us,) he opens the door of the apartment. 

In case of the absence of the servants, you ought 
not to enter immediately, but knock gently with the 
finger, and wait until some one opens the door or 
bids you come in. If he does neither, you open the 
door slowly and softly : should you find no one, do 
not go about and open other doors, or pass into an 
inner room, but retrace your steps immediately, re- 
turn to the ante-room, and remain until some one 
comes to give you an introduction. If you are 
obliged to stay very long, you can leave your card on 
a piece of furniture or with the porter. This is a 
case of rare occurrence, but it is well to provide for 
it, in order not to be taken unawares. When admit- 
ted, a gentleman presents himself with his hat in 
his hand, and advancing towards the lady, salutes 
her gracefully and respectfully. As soon as he ob- 
serves the lady is looking for a seat to offer him, he 
must lose no time in providing one for himself (com- 
6* 



66 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

monly a chair) which he places towards the door by 
which he entered, and at some distance from the 
lady, to whom he should leave the upper part of the 
room. He ought by no means to sit, except she is 
seated ; and holding his hat upon his knee must not 
balance himself or sink down in his chair, but pre- 
serve an easy, polite and becoming attitude. It would 
be familiar and bad ton to put down the hat or cane, 
before the gentleman, and particularly the lady of 
the house, has invited you to do so. Even then it is 
proper to refuse, and not to do it until asked two or 
three times. In putting down the hat, we should not 
do it carelessly, nor ought we to place it on a couch, 
for this is impolite. The couch, which in ancient 
times was regarded as a sanctuary, ought neither to 
be touched nor approached by a man. It is best to 
put the hat on a bracket or chandelier stand, &c. 
The lady of a house does not attempt to take the hats 
of gentlemen, except she wishes to treat them with 
familiarity, which is seldom done in calls of pure 
ceremony. 

These remarks will apply also to ladies. Within 
fifteen years past it has been their custom to take off 
their hats and shawls ; but that supposes an intima- 
cy, which would authorise their abstaining from it 
at the houses of those with whom they are not much 
acquainted ; and, if they are invited to lay them aside, 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 67 

they should refuse. The short time devoted to a 
ceremonious visit, the necessity of consulting a glass 
in replacing the head-dress, and of being assisted in 
putting on the shawl, prevent ladies from accepting 
the invitation to lay them aside. If they are slightly 
familiar with the person they are visiting, and 
wish to be more at ease, they should ask permission, 
which we should grant them, at the same time rising 
to assist them in taking off their hat and shawl. An 
arm-chair, or a piece of furniture at a distant part of 
the room should receive these articles ; they should 
not be placed upon the couch, without the mistress 
of the house puts them there. At the house of a 
person we visit habitually, we can lay them aside 
without saying a word, and a lady can even adjust 
her hair and handkerchief, (richer) before the glass, 
provided she occupies only a few moments in doing 
it. 

If the person you call upon is preparing to go out, 
or to sit down at table, you ought, although she asks 
you to remain, to retire as soon as possible. The 
person visited so unseasonably, should, on her part, 
be careful to conceal her knowledge that the other 
wishes the visit ended quickly. We should always 
appear delighted to receive a visiter, and should he 
make a short visit, we must express to him our re- 
gret. Ceremonious visits should be short; if the 



68 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

conversation ceases without being again continued 
by the person you have come to see, and she gets up 
from her seat under any pretext whatever, custom 
requires you to make your salutation and withdraw. 

If, before this tacit invitation to retire, other visit- 
ers are announced, you should adroitly leave them 
without saying any thing. In case the master of the 
house, in waiting upon you to the door, should ask 
you to remain longer, you should briefly reply to him, 
that an indispensable engagement calls you, and you 
must entreat him with earnestness not to detain you. 
You should terminate your visit by briskly shutting 
the door. 

If, on entering the room, you find strangers engag- 
ed in conversation, content yourself with the few 
words which the master or mistress of the house 
shall address to you ; stop only a few moments, 
make a general salutation, and conduct yourself as 
in the preceding case. When you have happened 
to meet the strangers elsewhere, they may unite 
sometimes with the person you are visiting, to pre- 
vent your taking leave ; reply in a polite and flatter- 
ing manner, but still persist in retiring. If while 
you are present, a letter is brought to the person you 
are visiting, and she should lay it down without 
opening it, you must entreat her to read it; she will 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 69 

not do it, and this circumstance will warn you to 
shorten your visit. 

When you make a half ceremonious call, and the 
person you are visiting, insists upon your stopping, 
it is proper to do so, but after a few minutes you 
should rise to go ; if you are urged still further, and 
are taken by the hands and made to sit down as it 
were by force, to leave immediately would be impo- 
lite, but nevertheless you must, after a short interval, 
get up a third time, and then certainly retire. If, 
during your call, a member of the family enters the 
room, you need not on this account take leave, but 
content yourself by rising, and saluting the person. 
If a lady, you must not seat yourself until she sits 
down ; if a gentleman, you can yield to the invita- 
tion made you to take your seat, while the other re- 
mains standing. If you make a visit with others 
there are some points to be observed in relation to 
your companions. In going up the staircase, it is 
rigorously the custom to give precedence to those to 
whom you owe respect, and to yield to such persons 
the most convenient part of the stairs, which is that 
next the wall. Above all do not forget this last cau- 
tion if you accompany a lady; and a well-bred gen- 
tleman, at such a time, should offer his arm. When 
there are many persons, he should bestow this mark 
of respect on the oldest. If you meet any one on 



70 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

the staircase, place yourself on the side opposite to the 
one he occupies, it would be vexatious and out of 
place to make an everlasting ceremony as to who 
should be announced first ; the preference must be 
given to ladies; next to them, to age and rank. The 
time of taking leave should be also determined by 
ladies, or by aged persons, and those who are of con- 
sequence. It would be impolite to wish to retire be- 
fore they gave the signal. We should add, that it is 
unsuitable for more than three or four to visit together. 
Persons of high ton are accompanied even to the ante- 
room by one or two servants, who receive them again 
when going out. 

To carry children or dogs with one on a visit of cere- 
mony, is altogether vulgar and provincial. Even in 
half-ceremonious visits, it is necessary to leave one's 
dog in the ante-room, as well as the nurse who holds 
the infant, for this circumstance alone excuses such a 
suite. As to animals, it is a thousand times better not 
to have them at all. 

We justly reproach inhabitants of the province 
for lavishing salutations in meeting people, or in 
taking leave of them. This custom, which may- 
make us contract a reservedness or too much famil- 
iarity, is extremely ridiculous. Is it not difficult to 
keep one's countenance, when we see a visiter sa- 
lute every article of furniture, to turn and turn again 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 71 

twenty times as you conduct him, and pour forth at 
every pause a volley of salutations and adieus ? Our 
readers will beware of this over politeness ; they will 
salute the first time at the moment they take leave, 
and again when the person who conducts them back 
shall have stopt at the door. We have before said 
that when we do not find persons at home, or when 
we are afraid of disturbing them, we leave a card ; 
but this is not what we call particularly visits by 
card (visites par cartes.) In these last visits, it is not 
our object to see the persons, since we do not ask 
for them, and we confine ourselves to giving our 
card to the porter or domestic. This custom, which 
has been introduced necessarily among persons of 
very general acquaintance, and especially at times 
when every one ought to be visited, as on the new 
year's day, is not considered ridiculous ; but it be- 
comes so by the great extent which has been given 
to it for some time past. This extent consists in 
making a visit without leaving our apartment ; that 
is to say, merely by sending our card by a domes- 
tic, or indeed by means of an agency established 
for this purpose. The practice of visits by cards, 
seems to persons of good society the most imperti- 
nent and vulgar thing which can be imagined. Do 
not then permit it, except when the question is about 
returning visits made in this way ; and do not use 



72 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

such retaliations, except to prevent these ill-advised 
visiters from thinking that you put yourself out to 
oblige them. 

In works devoted to the instruction of the laws of 
propriety, we think only of fortune and affluence ; 
we entirely forget people of a more modest condition, 
and when we find ourselves in connection with them, 
we cry out against their impoliteness. It is an in- 
justice, and in my opinion, a false calculation. An 
injustice, because true politeness pertains less to rank, 
than to uprightness and goodness of heart; a false 
calculation, for to refuse to initiate people into what 
renders the social relations easy and agreeable, is to 
prepare for ourselves collision and vexation, and to re- 
tard as much as is in our power, the practice of the 
forms of civilization. 

Despising then this foolish disdain, we shall ap- 
plaud the great care of persons not in affluence, who, 
having neither porter nor domestic, place at their 
door a slate furnished with a pencil, that in their 
absence visiters may write their names ; for these 
visiters are seldom such as carry cards. We shall 
applaud the benevolent care of persons whose stair- 
case is not lighted, or whose apartment is in the up- 
per stories, and who leave with the porter a candle 
which every one who arrives, takes, in order to as- 
cend, and returns it again on descending. If any of 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 73 

our rich readers should be tempted to smile at the an- 
nouncement of these precautions of the more humble 
citizens, we would remind them, that they are en- 
tirely strangers to that spirit of politeness, of which 
these precautions are a striking example. 

This digression naturally leads us to the second 
part of our task relative to visits, concerning the du- 
ties which politeness imposes as to receiving them, 
for it is not less important to receive people well, 
than to present ourselves well to them. 

Before passing to this important subject, it would 
seem my duty to finish what remains for me to say 
concerning visits, by the mention of visits of audi- 
ence, of congratulation, of condolence, and of repasts ; 
but except the first, to which I am going to devote a 
few words, details of all the others will be found in 
the chapters devoted to conversation, to formalities of 
repasts, of mourning, &c. 

We should not merely call upon ministers, heads 
of the public administration, and very distinguished 
persons ; we must beforehand request of them by 
writing a place of meeting, and must specify the ob- 
ject of our visit. We must call upon them at the 
appointed hour; we must abstain from inquiring 
after their health, and observe strictly the obliga- 
tions of decorum. These visits which are the acme 
of ceremony, ought necessarily to be very short. 
7 



74 GENTLEMAN AND LADY S 

We shall see, in the chapter on Epistolary Propri- 
ety ,what titles are proper to be given to these im 
portant personages. It is well to be furnished with 
a letter of admission, that in case of necessity we 
may show it to the servant. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 75 



CHAPTER III. 

Of the Manner of Receiving Visitors. 

To receive visitors with ease and elegance, and 
in such a manner that every thing in you, and about 
you, shall partake of propriety and grace,— to endeavor 
that people may always be satisfied when they leave 
you, and be desirous to come again, — such are the 
obligations of the master, and especially of the mistress 
of a house. 

Everything in the house, ought, as far as possible, 
to offer English comfort, and French grace. Perfect 
order, exquisite neatness and elegance which easily 
dispense with being sumptuous, ought to mark the 
entrance of the house, the furniture and the dress of 
the lady. 

In a house where affluence abounds, it is indis- 
pensable to have a drawing room, for it is trouble- 
some and in bad ton to receive visits in a lodging- 
room, at one's own dwelling. This may indeed do 
for a mere call ; but it becomes almost ridiculous 
when, after dinner, it is necessary to pass into this 
room to take coffee, if you are receiving a small 
company, &c. This custom is not any longer 



76 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

adopted, except in the provincial towns and among 
persons who do not pride themselves on their good 
ton. 

To receive company in a dining-room, is not 
allowed except among those persons who cannot 
bear the expense of furnishing a parlor or drawing 
room. Simplicity, admitted into an apartment of 
this kind, suited to the smallness of their means, we 
cannot but approve, while we regret nevertheless, 
the disagreeable things to which such a residence sub- 
jects them. But we have, in this respect, an express 
warning to hold out to people who give themselves up 
to it unnecessarily, for it is altogether opposed to 
the received usages of good society to put yourselves 
in a situation which you cannot adorn, where you 
cannot place arm-chairs, a chimney-piece, a glass, 
a clock, and all things useful to persons who come 
to see you ; where you are exposed to receiving 
twenty visits during dinner ; of seeing as many in- 
terruptions during the setting of your table, since it 
is impossible to spread the cloth while strangers re- 
main ; finally, of having them witness your domestic 
cares while removing the remains of a repast, the 
table-cloth, dishes, &c. 

Young mothers of families who wish to have with 
them their children, (troublesome guests, in a draw- 
ing-room, as every one knows,) think that they may 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 77 

remain in the dining-room and have strangers 
conducted into an adjacent apartment. That this 
may not be inconvenient, it is necessary to observe 
three things ; first, that strangers be admitted into 
this apartment before seeing the mistress of the 
house, because they would not fail to create difficul- 
ties, by saying that they did not wish to disturb her ; 
second, that the apartment be constantly warmed in 
winter ; third-, that in summer it should be furnished 
precisely as an occupied chamber, for nothing is 
worse than to conduct people into a room which 
seems to be to let. 

Unless from absolute inability, you ought to light 
your staircase. If the practices of good domestic 
economy regulated by the cares of civilization, were 
more generally extended, a staircase not lighted 
would not often be found. 

After having thus cast a rapid glance into the in- 
terior of the house, let us see in what manner it is 
necessary to receive visitors. 

When we see any one enter, whether announced 
or not, we rise immediately, advance toward them, 
request them to sit down, avoiding however the 
old form of, ' Take the trouble to be seated.'' If it is a 
young man, we offer him an arm-chair, or a stuffed 
one ; if an elderly man, we insist upon his accepting 
the arm-chair ; if a lady, we beg her to be seated 
V 



78 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

upon the ottoman. If the master of the house re- 
ceives the visitors, he will take a chair and place 
himself at a little distance from them ; if, on the con- 
trary, it is the mistress of the house, and if she is in- 
timate with the lady who visits her, she will place 
herself near her. If several ladies come at a time, 
we give this last place to the one most distinguished 
by rank. In winter, the most honorable places are 
those at the corner of the fire-place ; in proportion 
as they place you in front of the fire, your seat is 
considered inferior in rank. Moreover, when it hap- 
pens to be a respectable married lady, and one to 
whom we wish to do honor, we take her by the hand 
and conduct her to the corner of the fire-place. If 
this place is occupied by a young lady, she ought to 
rise and offer her seat to the other lady, taking for 
herself a chair in the middle of the circle. 

A mistress of a house ought to watch anxiously 
that they experience no restraint before her ; conse- 
quently, she will take care to present screens to the 
ladies seated in front of the fire ; she will move un- 
der their feet tabourets, or what is better, pads, (cous- 
sins) but never foot-stoves. If she is alone with an 
intimate acquaintance, she will request her to take 
her's ; but she will never extend this politeness to a 
gentleman. 

If a door or window happens to be open in the 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 79 

room in summer time, we should ask of visitors, if it 
incommodes them. 

If a lady who receives a half ceremonious visit is 
sewing, she ought to leave off immediately, and not 
resume it except at the request of the visitor. If 
they are on quite intimate terms, she ought herself 
to request permission to continue. If a person visits 
in an entirely ceremonious way, it would be very im- 
polite to work even an instant. Moreover, even 
with friends, we should hardly be occupied with our 
work, but should seem to forget it on their account. 

In proportion as the visitor is a stranger, the mas- 
ter or mistress of the house rises, and any persons 
who may be already there are obliged to do the same. 
Some of them then withdraw ; in this case, if the 
master and the mistress of the house have with them 
any persons of their family, after having conducted as 
far as the door those who are going, they request one 
of their relations to take their place. If the case be 
otherwise, it is necessary to choose between the per- 
sons who remain and those who retire. If the latter 
are superior in rank, age or consideration, we must 
give them the preference, and vice versa. But how- 
ever respectable the person be who departs, we may 
dispense with conducting them farther than the door 
of the room. 

The manner in which we should usually re-con- 
G 



BO GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

duct visitors is regulated in an invariable mode. 
If it is a lady who is to be accompanied, the master 
of the house takes her hand, passes it under his arm, 
and thus leads her as far as the bottom of the stair- 
case, unless the steps be so narrow that two cannot 
go abreast. It is no longer the custom to give the 
hand to ladies, but to offer them the arm. This new 
custom does not at all change the ancient rule of 
propriety which requires that in descending a stair- 
case, we should give the side next the wall to the 
lady whom we accompany ; we commonly present 
to her the right arm, provided however, that neces- 
sity does not oblige us, in order to avoid placing* her 
next the balustrade, to offer the left. If she is to re- 
turn in a carriage, we should politely hand her into 
it. 

In the provincial townr , they conduct all or almost 
all visitors, as far as the street door, unless they are 
gentlemen and have visited a lady. She ought then 
to accompany them, as is always done in Paris, that 
is to say, as far as the door of the room, or the head 
of the stairs. Parisians add to this custom an agree- 
able civility ; they hold the door open, and standing 
upon the threshold or edge of the staircase, follow 
with their eyes the visitor until he turns round to 
make the last salutation or adieu, or to request the 
host to return. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 81 

We no longer practice that frank and open hospital- 
ity of the provinces, by virtue of which, in the middle 
of winter, we request people to refresh themselves 
with some solid eatables. Such a proposal would now 
excite a smile. We do not make any such offer to 
visitors, but under these circumstances. First, during 
very hot weather, we invite them to take a glass 
of syrup, or of iced water. Second, if any one is 
reading, we offer him eau sucree (sugared water). 
Third, we offer orange-flower water to a lady who 
happens to be suddenly indisposed. Excepting these 
cases, we make no offer of this kind. If any one 
wishes to refresh himself, he requests the mistress of 
the house to allow him to ring the bell. After assent 
is given, he asks of the domestic who comes whatever 
he desires. 



82 GENTLEMAN AND LADY S 



CHAPTER IV. 

Of the Carriage of the Body 

The carriage of the body seems so simple, so com- 
mon, and so easy a thing, that undoubtedly on seeing 
this title, many readers will think I design to send 
them back to puerile and plain civility. But if they 
will take the pains to reflect upon the numberless 
violations of propriety in the carriage of the body, of 
which they are daily witnesses ; if they will call to 
the mind the many strange motions, ridiculous ges- 
tures, pretending attitudes, affected looks, and clown- 
ish movements ; if they will recollect that the car- 
riage of the body ought to be in perfect harmony with 
the situation, age, mind and sex, and a distinguishing 
trait of the physiognomy; if they will consider the 
unfavorable prejudices to which a disdainful, immod- 
est, or vulgar deportment give rise, they will under- 
stand my anxiety in this respect. 

It is without doubt impossible to notice all faults in 
the carriage of the body. This volume would not be 
sufficient for it ; we must be satisfied therefore with 
designating the principal ones. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 83 

To look steadily at any one, especially if you are 
a lady and are speaking to a gentleman ; to turn the 
nead frequently on one side and the other during 
conversation ; to balance yourself upon your chair ; 
to bend forward; to strike your hands upon your 
knees; to hold one of your knees between your 
hands locked together ; to cross your legs ; to extend 
your feet on the andirons ; to admire yourself with 
complacency in a glass ; to adjust in an affected man- 
ner your cravat, hair, dress, or handkerchief; to re- 
main without gloves ; to fold carefully your shawl, 
instead of throwing it with graceful negligence upon 
a table, &c; to fret about a hat which you have just 
left off; to laugh immoderately ; to place your hand 
upon the person with whom you are conversing ; to 
take him by the buttons, the collar of his cloak, the 
cuffs, the waist, &c; to seize ladies by the waist, or 
to touch their person; to roll the eyes, or to raise 
them with affectation ; to take snuff from the box of 
your neighbor, or to offer it to strangers, especially 
to ladies ; to play continually with the seals of your 
watch, a chain, or a fan; to beat time with the feet 
and hands ; to whirl round a chair on one leg ; to 
shake with your feet the chair of your neighbor ; to 
stroke your face ; rub your hands continually ; wink 
your eyes; shrug up your shoulders; stamp with 
your feet, &c.; — all these bad habits, of which we 



84 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

ought never to speak to people, among those who 
are witnesses of them, and are in the highest degree 
displeasing. 

The carriage of the body is as expressive as the 
tone of voice, and perhaps more so, because it is more 
constant ; it betrays to the observer all the shades of 
character, and we ought to be very careful of thus 
making a general confession, by affected manners, a 
pretending deportment, sneering ways, rough move- 
ments, a hard countenance, impertinent signs and 
looks, simpering smiles, clownish gestures, a noncha- 
lant and effeminate posture, or a carriage of the body 
distinguished by prudery and stiffness. 

Young ladies, and very young men little habituated 
to the world, ought to be on their guard against ex- 
cessive timidity, for it not only paralyzes their pow- 
ers, renders them awkward, and gives them an al- 
most silly air, but it may even cause them to be 
accused of pride, among people who do not know 
that embarrassment frequently takes the form of su- 
perciliousness. How often does it happen that timid 
persons do not salute you at all, answer in a low 
voice, or very ill, omit a thousand little duties of so- 
ciety, and fail in a numberless agreeable attentions, 
for want of courage ? These attentions, and these 
duties, they discharge in petto, but who will thank 
them for it ? A proper degree of confidence, but not 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 8o 

degenerating into assurance, still less into boldness 
or familiarity, is then one of the most desirable qual- 
ities in the world. To obtain which, we must ob- 
serve the ton, and the manners of polite and oblig- 
ing people, take them for our guides, and under 
their direction, make continual efforts to conquer our 
timidity. 

Propriety in the carriage of the body is especially 
indispensable to ladies. It is by this that, in a walk, 
a ball, or any assembty, people who cannot converse 
with them, judge of their merit and their good educa- 
tion. How many dancers move off, and how many 
persons sigh with pity, at the sight of a beautiful 
woman who has a mincing way, affects grace, inclines 
her head affectedly, and who seems to admire herself 
incessantly, and to invite others to admire her also. 
Who ever makes up his mind to enter into conversa- 
tion with an immoveable lady, and one who is formal 
and precise, stretching out the body, pressing the 
lips, and carrying back the elbows as if they were 
fastened to her side ? 

The gait of a lady ought neither to be too quick 
nor too slow ; the most easy and most convenient step 
is that which fatigues the least and pleases most. The 
body and the head should be erect without affectation 
and without haughtiness ; the movements, especially 



86 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

those of the arms, easy and natural. The counte 
nance should be pleasant and modest. 

It is not in good ton for a lady to speak too quick 
or too loud. When seated, she ought neither to 
cross her legs, nor take a vulgar attitude. She 
should occupy her chair entirely, and appear neither 
too restless, nor too immoveable. It is altogether 
out of place for her to throw her drapery around her 
in sitting down, or to spread out her dress for 
display, as upstarts do in order to avoid the least 
rumple. 

But what is especially insupportable in this sex is, 
an inquiet, bold, and imperious air ; for it is unnatural, 
and not allowable in any case. If a lady has cares, 
let her conceal them from the world, or not go 
into it. Whatever be her merit, let her not forget, 
that she may be a man in the superiority of her mind 
and decision of character, but that externally she 
ought to be a woman ! She ought to present herself 
as a being made to please, to love, and to seek a 
support; a being inferior to man, but near to angels. 
An affectionate, complying, and almost timid aspect, 
a tender solicitude for those who are about her, 
should be shown in her whole person. Her face 
should breathe hope, gentleness and satisfaction ; 
dejection, anxiety, and ill-humor should be constantly 
banished. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 87 

Before leaving a subject so fruitful, I shall point out 
to my readers two examples of a bad position. The 
one is a fashionable with his head stiff, a borrowed air, 
his leg strained out, trembling lest he should disar- 
range the symmetry of his cravat, and lest he should 
pucker his pantaloons, his sleeve or the collar of his 
coat. 

The other is an awkward person, with his feet 
drawn together and placed upon the round of the 
chair, his hands spread out upon his knees, his shoul- 
ders sunk, and his mouth half open. Between these 
two caricatures there are many degrees which are 
ridiculous, but which we leave to the sagacity of our 
readers to appreciate. We come now to our instruc- 
tions in respect to conversation. They are so im- 
portant, that we think it our duty to divide them into 
two parts, namely ; physical proprieties, and moral 
proprieties. 



8H GENTLEMAN AND LADY S 



CHAPTER V. 

Of Physical Proprieties in Conversation. 

This first division will comprehend the physical 
care of the organs we use in conversation, our move- 
ments, the manner of listening, pronunciation, and 
purity of speech in a grammatical view. 

SECTION I. 

Physical Observances in Conversation. 

Conversation is the principal, not to say the only 
means of pleasing, and making our way in the world. 
How does it happen then, that so many persons con- 
verse, without being troubled at the ridicule thrown 
upon themselves, and the ennui they occasion their 
hearers ; without going into the inquiry, whether they 
have not some physical qualities which present more 
or less obstacles to the art of conversing well, or with- 
out thinking of the means of correcting them ! 

We shall point out some faults and the means of 
remedying them. It is essential in speaking, to be 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 89 

well on our guard not to protrude the tongue too 
near the edge of the lips. This bad habit has many- 
great inconveniences; it occasions a kind of disagree- 
able hissing, produced by the immediate contact of 
this organ as it passes the teeth ; and exposes us to 
throw out saliva* When an unfortunate habit or 
too great a developement of the tongue produces these 
accidents, we should take care to keep this unlucky 
organ out of the way on one side of the gums or 
the other. As to the fault which is opposite to this, 
that is, stammering, by reason of too small size of 
the tongue, we should practice speaking distinctly 
when we are alone. To declaim and to exercise 
ourselves upon the words which present the greatest 
difficulties, is a useful exercise. 

There are some persons in whom the saliva is so 
abundant, that it makes their pronunciation thick; 
such persons should accustom themselves to swallow 
it before beginning to speak. 

Politeness in accordance with health, requires that 
our teeth should be perfectly clean. A yellow and 
foul set of teeth, which emit an odor, will not suffer 
any one to be sensible to our grace or the eloquence 
of our language. Feelings of disgust are without 
appeal. 

*When this accident happens to any one^ you must 
appear not to perceive it. 



yi) GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

Some persons who have fine teeth, have the la- 
mentable fault of showing them in speaking ; this ri- 
diculous vanity excites laughter, and besides, injures 
the physiognomy : it is not necessary to conceal the 
teeth to the utmost, but always without affectation. 
To use a tooth-pick while speaking, to carry the fin- 
gers to the gums, to hold a flower between the teeth, 
are habits of bad ton. 

To open the mouth widely when one speaks, es- 
pecially when making an exclamation of wonder 
or surprise ; to draw the feouth on one side to give 
ourselves the air of an original ; to contract it, in 
order to make it small ; to laugh violently in an un- 
meaning and boisterous manner; to impart to the 
lips, trembling and convulsive motions when any 
one relates or reads something sad or terrible; to 
force our breath into the face of the person we are 
conversing with — all these are shocking faults, and 
insupportable grimaces. 

SECTION II. 

Of Gestures. 

To act a pantomime with every word, cannot be 
tolerated ; extended or numerous gestures, which do 
not accord with the conversation ; mysterious signs 
accompanying the announcement of the most simple 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 91 

thing; abrupt gestures, in friendly conversation; 
mincing gestures, in serious conversation ; rapid 
movements of the person, sitting or standing, and 
who seems to be performing a sort of a dance — 
all these are equally great faults against propriety and 
good taste. 

We should not absolutely condemn gestures, 
which, according to the Abbe Delille, give physiog- 
nomy to our conversation. Moderate action corres- 
ponding to our words, and by turns a little comic, 
lively, and graceful, are allowable, and even indis- 
pensable. The left hand must not move, but a sig- 
nificant and exact co-operation of the right hand, 
should never be wanting in conversation : but I must 
censure dialogists, who put their hand into their pock- 
ets or work-bags, who always rest them joined or 
crossed, without making any gesture. Such persons 
give themselves the air of automatons, while, on the 
other hand, excessive gesticulators have the appear- 
ance of madmen. 

Those persons who in conversing, violently seize 
hold of the arm of their chair ; play with little objects 
which come under their hands ; who amuse them- 
selves by scratching or defacing furniture, turning 
their hat backwards and forwards, twisting and un- 
twisting the strings of their bag, or the ends of their 
cravat, are, without doubt, ignorant how much op- 



92 GENTLEMAN AND LADY's 

posed to politeness, are these degrees of familiarity, 
childishness and embarrassment. I will briefly add, 
that those who are witnesses of all these ridiculous 
actions, ought never to notice them, unless they wish 
to be still more ridiculous themselves. 

SECTION III. 

Of the Talent of Listening to Others. 

To converse, is not to talk continually, as prattlers 
suppose ; it is to listen and speak in our turn ; we 
must not acquit ourselves the less well in the one 
than in the other. To do this, we should attend half 
of the time to the person who is addressing us, (on 
this account it is impolite to do any work while talk- 
ing;) if they hesitate or are embarrassed, you should 
appear not to notice it, and in case you are a little 
acquainted, after a few moments, you should, in a 
very modest manner, supply the word which seems 
to have escaped them. If they are interrupted by 
any incident, when the cause of the interruption shall 
have ceased, you will not wait until they resume the 
conversation, but with a smile of benevolence, and 
an engaging gesture, request them to proceed; please 
to continue; you were just saying ? — If we are obliged 
in this manner, to palliate any such interruption, 
much more, ought we never to allow ourselves to be 



BOOK OF POLITENESS, 93 

the cause of it. This is so rigorous a rule, that if, in 
the warmth of conversation, two persons commence 
speaking at once, both ought to stop immediately, 
when they perceive it, and each, while excusing 
themselves, to decline proceeding. It is proper for 
the one worthy of the most respect to resume the 
conversation. 

If a person shall relate any thing to you, who, 
without having any pleasantry, makes attempts at 
it; and without being affecting, endeavors to move 
you, however wearied you may be, appear pleased 
and assume an air of interest. If the narrator 
wanders into long digressions, have patience to let 
him extricate himself alone from the labyrinth of his 
story. If the history is interminable, be resigned, 
and do not appear less attentive. This condescen- 
sion is especially to be observed, if you are listening 
to an elderly or respectable person. If the merciless 
story-teller is your equal or friend, you may say to 
him, in order to induce him to finish his narration, 
and finally — 

Novices in the customs of the world, think they 
can abruptly interrupt a conversation which is begun, 
by asking to have some incidents, which they have 
not understood, explained, or by making the person 
who is telling the story repeat the names ; this 
should not be done until after some consideration, 



94 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

and in the most polite manner. If the narrator pro- 
nounces badly ; if you see that other hearers are in 
the same situation as yourself; if you foresee that 
for want of having followed him in his narration, 
you will not be able to reply with politeness, you 
can in this case, interrupt ; but in some such man- 
ner as this ; J ask your pardon. Sir, I fear I have 
lost some part of your interesting conversation, will 
you be kind enough to repeat it, &c. It is necessary 
also, to choose a favorable moment, as for instance, 
when the narrator pauses, hesitates for a word, or 
stops to take his handkerchief. 

When a person relates to you a plain falsehood, 
the art of listening becomes embarrassing, for if you 
seem to believe it, you would pass for a fool, and if 
you appear to doubt it, you will pass for an uncivil 
person. An air of coldness, a slight attention, an 
expression like the following, That is astonishing, 
will extricate you honorably from your embarrass- 
ment ; but when an event is narrated which is only 
extraordinary, or not improbable, your manner should 
be otherwise. Your countenance should express as- 
tonishment, and you should reply by a phrase of this 
kind ; If I did not know your strict regard for the 
truth, or if any person but you had told me this, I 
should have hardly believed it. Under no circum- 
stances should you interrupt him. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 95 

It happens sometimes that you foresee some inci- 
dent in an interesting story; and the pleasure that 
you find in this ; the desire of showing that you have 
guessed correctly, and the intention of proving how 
much you are interested, induce you to interrupt sud- 
denly in this manner, / see it, it is so, exactly. An in- 
terruption of this kind, although well meant and nat- 
ural, will offend old persons, who like to tell a story 
at full length, and will confound formal narrators, 
who will be in despair that a phrase is taken from 
them which they had intended for effect ; these inter- 
ruptions are only allowable among our intimate 
friends, or inferiors, for otherwise you will have an 
ill-humored answer to your I see it, &c. as with a 
triumphant air, egad, but you can't see it, &c. which 
is always embarrassing. 

The worst kind of interruption of all others, is that 
which hauteur dictates. A clever person seizing 
hold of a story which another is telling, and with the 
intention of making it more lively, becomes, not- 
withstanding his eloquence, a model of impertinence 
and vulgarity. 

It is, doubtless, hard to see a fool spoil a good an- 
ecdote, of which he might have made something in- 
teresting ; but if we should not be restrained by po- 
liteness from expressing our feelings, we ought to 
be by interest. Now hearers of delicacy will remain 
H 



96 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

silent to the conclusion of the recital, and will address 
themselves with good feelings to the poor narrator 
who is injured in his rights. 

Interruption is pardonable if it is made to prove or 
clear up a fact in favor of a person who is absent. 
When they accuse you, you can, according to strict 
rules, interrupt by an exclamation, but it is better to 
do it by a gesture. 

There is often much art and grace in listening, 
while you gesticulate gently ; for example, by count- 
ing upon the fingers ; by making a gesture of sur- 
prise ; by a motion of assent, or an exclamation. 
This is a tacit manner of saying, ah, I recollect, you 
are right, and charms the narrator without interrupt 
ing him. 

In a lively, animated and friendly dialogue we 
can interrupt each other by turns, in order to finish 
a sentence which is begun, or to improve an epithet \ 
this contributes to vivacity in discourse, but it ought 
not, however, to be too often repeated. 

There are many shoals to be avoided in listening, 
and which always betray inexperience in society. 
To say from time to time to the narrator, Yes, yes, 
by nodding the head, making motions with the hand, 
a custom of old persons, and which is a good repre- 
sentation of a pendulum ; to keep the eyes fixed and 
the mouth gaping open ; to have an air of an absent 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 97 

person or of one in a reverie ; to point the finger at 
persons designated by the narrator ; to gape without 
concealing by the hand or handkerchief, that which 
is by no means flattering to the speaker ; to cast your 
eye frequently towards the clock — all these habits 
are offences against good ton. 

SECTION IV. 

Of Pronunciation. 

Pronunciation is still more indispensable in con- 
versation than elocution; since .before selecting our 
expressions, we must make them understood, and 
one can do this but imperfectly if he pronounces bad- 
ly. From this fault arise forced repetitions, the loss 
of what is appropriate, fatigue, disgust, the impa- 
tience of the two persons speaking, and in fine, all 
the sad results of deafness. Should we not use every 
effort to rid ourselves of this ? 

The first, and greatest impediment to pronouncing 
well, is volubility. By speaking too fast, we speak 
confusedly, and utter inarticulate and unintelligi- 
ble sounds, which, without dispute, is of all the 
faults in pronunciation, the most insupportable. We 
know very well, that to speak too slowly, and as 
they say, to listen to our own words, is a caprice 
which seems to denote pride or nonchalance, and 
9 



yo GENTLEMAN AND LADY 7 S 

that in certain cases it is necessary to speak quickly ; 
but we ought never to speak precipitately, even on 
subjects which require us to be brief. Besides the 
physical inconvenience, indistinctness has other moral 
inconveniences ; it supposes heedlessness, loquacity, 
or foolishness. 

Next comes hesitancy, which is little less trouble- 
some, for it fills the conversation with ridiculous and 
painful efforts. This defect, although sometimes ow- 
ing to the organization, happens still more frequently 
from neglecting to think before we speak, from timid- 
ity, from some lively emotion which obliges us to 
stammer, or from a formal anxiety to make use of 
select terms. This last is sometimes carried to excess. 
With the intention of pleasing persons, you weary 
them by repetitions, or far-fetched mincing words, 
and in order to appear clever, you render yourself 
excessively annoying. 

The habits acquired in childhood and in small towns, 
and a provincial accent, are frequently obstacles to 
good pronunciation ; let us instance some examples of 
this. It is not uncommon to hear, even among 
those who are considered as correct speakers, in 
general, such a misuse of words as the following : 
Me, for I, Miss for Mrs, set for sit, sat out for set out, 
expect, (of a passed event ;) lay for lie, sheio for show* 
ed, would for should, had n't ought for ought not, &c. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 99 

As to accent, each province has its peculiarities. 
To discover it, to shun it, and to modify it by an ob- 
posite effort, are the means of avoiding these shoals ; 
but however ridiculous we may appear in running 
upon them continually, we are a hundred times less 
so than those people who, like true pedagogues, stop 
you in the midst of an affecting recital, to repeat 
with a sardonic smile, a vulgar phrase, a word badly 
pronounced, or a wrong accent which happens to es- 
cape you. 

Not only among persons of good society, should 
we condemn pedantry in pronunciation, but we ought, 
moreover, with Rousseau, to blame over-nicety of 
pronunciation, or purism. He could not tolerate (and 
many others like him,) those people who are partic- 
ular in sounding every letter of a word.* 

Besides a general accent, there is also a particular 
accent, which gives a shade to the words, when we 
express a sentiment. We feel all its delicacy and 
its charm, but we feel also that it ought to be in 
perfect harmony with the language ; that it ought 
to be free from affectation, as well as exaggeration. 

* The examples in the original, are the final letters of 
the words, tabac, sang, estomac. In English, some per- 
sons are as scrupulous in the distinct pronunciation of 
every letter in such words as extra-ordinary, Wednes- 
day, &c. T. 



100 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

To utter hard things in a tone of mildness ; to dis- 
play in an humble voice proud pretensions ; to open 
a political discussion in a caressing tone ; to recount 
an affair of pleasantry with a melancholy accent, — is 
ridiculous in the highest degree. It is no less so, to 
force the accent, and pervert it into irony; or to in- 
troduce into discourse, a sort of declamation or tone. 

We cannot judge of the accent of a person who 
speaks too high or too low, but we decide, in the first 
case, that he is vulgar, and in the second, that he is 
disdainful. 

SECTION V. 

Of Correctness in Speaking. 

1 Surtout qu'en vos discours la langue rivlrte. 

In addressing this advice to readers, we shall be- 
ware of considering them as strangers to the rules of 
grammar ; it is so shameful at the present day to be 
ignorant of one's own language, that it would not be 
less so, to suspect others of not knowing it ; but al- 
though we may not be deprived of this indispensable 
knowledge, it is still necessary carefully to beware of 
contracting bad habits in language; of using bad 
phrases, and even of using terms of which we know 
not the import ; a little study and attention will afford 
a certain remedy to the embarrassment which we 
might experience. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 101 

Young people cannot too much guard against these 
faults, which show an education that has been little 
attended to. They will arrive at it by studying a 
good grammarian, and by paying attention to the 
sense of their words. 

If, in the silence of the study, we have much 
trouble in rendering correctly a long sentence, how 
must it be in the world, when the earnestness of 
conversation prevents us from reflecting ? To make 
long phrases, is to be willing to make mistakes in 
language ; and if we take time to present these in- 
terminable sentences in a correct form, we only ap- 
pear the more clumsy, or the more pretending, for 
conversation ought never to seem labored, and the 
expression and the thoughts should be of a simul- 
taneous casting. 

Avoid the pronouns who, which, particularly when 
they are interrogatives ; for although the grammar 
does not absolutely condemn their frequency, yet as 
it is useless and disagreeable to the ear, we should 
endeavor to avoid it. Thus, instead of who is it who 
did such a thing ? — what is this thing that is here ? 
say who did such a thing ? — what is this thing f 

Persons who are careful of their conversation, 
a#-oid, as faults of language, expressions which cer- 
tainly do not deserve this title, but which injure the 
clearness, elegance, and harmony of conversation. 
' 9* 



102 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

Thus they will abstain from uniting those words 
which, being in conflict as to their meaning and 
pronunciation, make an ambiguity, except when 
written. They carefully beware of accumulating 
synonymes and epithets profusely, or at least, of 
forgetting with regard to these last, the laws of gra- 
dation ; of multiplying adverbs, which burden and 
weaken discourse ; they pay great attention to the 
requirements of euphony, and, in order to this, 
avoid bringing near to each other, words of similar 
sound, or of repeating similar words even of the 
same meaning, such as at present we offer a present, 
it does a good deal of good. 

These scrupulous and privileged talkers are par- 
ticularly careful of the connecting particles, for they 
know how much their omission injures euphony; 
how it causes persons who are little charitable, to 
believe that it is a covering, under which are adroitly 
concealed doubt or ignorance, and this opinion is not 
always a prejudice. 

I had forgotten to say that our skilful talkers en- 
deavor not to furnish, by fortuitous coincidences of 
words, opportunities for puns ; that in the mode of 
their conversation, they avoid rhymes so unfortu- 
nate and even ridiculous in prose ; that they dread 
repetitions of phrases, and axioms, as the repetitions 
of words ; that by short and judicious pauses, they 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 103 

mark the punctuation in the spoken as in the written 
language; finally, that they endeavor to render their 
conversation clear, correct and elegant; but these 
talking models would be in less danger of defeating 
their object, if they had less of the precise air of a 
pedagogue. So far from this, if a grammatical er- 
ror escapes them, they quickly correct it, but with 
ease and gaiety. If they hear a gross grammatical 
error, they do not allow themselves even a smile, or a 
look which could indicate their feeling, or trouble 
the one guilty of the error. 



104 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 



CHAPTER VI. 

Of the Moral Oh ser varices in Conversation. 

Goodness, moderation and decorum — these are 
the motto and the soul of moral propriety in conver- 
sation. 

A solicitude to be always agreeable and obliging, 
of observing a proper medium in every thing ; of re- 
specting the rights of others, even in the most trifling 
things ; susceptibility for every thing which is con- 
nected with delicacy, piety, and modesty — all these 
qualities which belong to politeness, are included 
in these expressive words; — goodness, moderation, 
decorum. 

SECTION I. 

Of Formal and Vulgar Usages. 

In the first rank of customary formalities, we place 
those concerning information about the health. We 
shall, necessarily, have little to say on this head ; 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 105 

there are, however, some little rules which are not 
to be neglected. 

It is proper to vary the phraseology of these formal 
questions, as much as possible ; and we must abstain 
from them entirely, towards a superior, or a person 
with whom we are but little acquainted, as such 
inquiries presuppose some degree of intimacy. In 
the last case, there is a method of manifesting our 
interest, without violating etiquette ; it consists in 
making these inquiries of the domestics, or of other 
persons of the house, and of saying afterwards when 
introduced ; u lam happij, Sir, to hear that you are in 
good health" 

Custom forbids a lady to make these inquiries of a 
gentleman, unless he is ill or very aged. To put a 
corrective upon this mark of regard, a lady who ad- 
dresses a gentleman, should be earnest in her inqui- 
ries of the health of his family, however little inti- 
macy she may have with them. Many persons ask 
this question mechanically, without waiting for the 
answer, or else hasten to reply, before they have re- 
ceived it. This is in bad ton. Inquiries about the 
health, it is true, are frequently unimportant, and 
they should appear to be dictated by attention and 
kindness. We must not however be deceived, but 
be careful not to mention a slight indisposition to 



106 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

persons who are strangers to us, because their inter- 
est can be only formal. 

After we are informed of the health of the person 
we are visiting, it is proper to inquire of them in re- 
lation to the health of their families; but it would be 
wearisome to them, to make a long enumeration of 
the members who compose the family. We can put 
a general question, designating the most important 
members. In case of the absence of near relations, 
we ask the person we are visiting, if they have heard 
from them lately, and if the news is favorable. They, 
on their part, ask the same of us. 

When you are not on visits of great ceremony, at 
the time of taking leave, you are commonly desired to 
give the compliments and salutations of the persons 
you are visiting to those with whom you live ; then 
you should reply briefly, but give them assurances of 
your regard, and thank them. 

Politeness infuses into visits of some little ceremo- 
ny, a coloring of modesty, grace and deference, which 
should be preserved with the greatest care. 

In speaking, it is always proper to give the name 
of Sir , Madam, or Miss, and if the sentence is 
somewhat long, the title should be repeated. If 
the question is with regard to answering in the affir- 
mative or negative, we ought never to say roughly 
yes or no. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 107 

If the person addressed has a title, or that which 
he has from his profession, we should give it him, as 
Count, Doctor, &c. In case we meet with many- 
persons of the same profession, we can then distin- 
guish them, by adding their name to the title. 

A lady will not say, my husband, except among 
intimates; in every other case, she should address 
him by his name, calling him Mr. It is equally 
good ton that except on occasions of ceremony, and 
while she is quite young, to designate him by his 
christian name. 

But when one speaks to a gentleman of the lady 
to whom he is married, he should not say your wife 
unless he is intimately acquainted, but Mrs. such-a 
one, is the most proper. The rules of politeness in 
this respect, are the same in speaking of the hus- 
band. 

When we speak of ourself and another person, 
whether he is absent or present, propriety requires 
us to mention ourselves last. Thus we should say 
he and I, you and I. 

When you relate a personal occurrence, the cir- 
cumstances connected with which are honorable to 
yourself, and a distinguished person had also a share 
in the honor, you should only mention him, and in- 
stead of the plural form, we resolved, we did such a 
thing, you should forget yourself, and say, Mr. JV. 



108 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

resolved or did such a thing, so and so. Delicacy 
will dictate this degree of modesty to you, and your 
superior in his turn will proclaim at his own expense, 
your merit on the occasion. 

We know that the word false is not to be found in 
the dictionary of politeness, and that when we are 
obliged to deny the assertion of any one, we employ 
apologetical forms. The most proper ones are such 
as the following : J may he mistaken, I am undoubt- 
edly mistaken, but, . . . Be so good as to excuse my 
mistake, but it seems to me, . . . I ask pardon, but I 
thought, &c. Those persons are but ill-bred, who 
think to soften down a denial merely by expressions 
of doubt. They say, if ichat you advance is true, if 
what madam says is positive, &c. With these forms, 
they think they comply with the rules of politeness. 
It is incivility with affectation 

However persons may say invidiously that forms 
avail much in the world, 1 agree with them, but in 
quite another sense. 

We should never ask a thing of any one without 
saying, will you have the goodness, will you do me 
the favor, will you be so good, &c. 

In a circle, we should not pass before a lady; 
neither should we present any thing by extending 
the arm over her, but pass round behind, and pre- 
sent it. In case we cannot do it, we say, J ask your 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 109 

'pardon &c. To a question which we do not fully 
comprehend, we never answer, Ha? What? but, Be 
so good as, &c. Pardon me, I did not understand. 

Never refuse with disdain a pinch of snuff, and 
rather than disoblige people, take one, even if you 
throw it away, after having pretended to take it. 
Beware of presenting to ladies, in balls or assem- 
blies a box of bonbons, under penalty of having the 
air of a caricature. 

If you strike against any one in the least, ask par- 
don for it immediately. The other should at the 
same time answer you, It is nothing, nothing at all, 
&c, even if the blow should have been violent. 

It is customary to employ the few moments of a 
visit of mere politeness, in looking at the portraits 
which adorn the fireplace, and even taking them 
down, if you are invited to do it. It would be the 
extreme of impoliteness, to say that they were flat- 
tered, or to pretend to recognise in the portrait of a 
young lady, the likeness of an elderly lady, or of one 
less favored by nature. It would moreover be im- 
proper to make long compliments ; indirect, and in- 
genuous praise, is all that is proper. 



10 



110 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

SECTION It. 

Of Questions, and frequently recurring Expressions. 

It is an axiom of propriety that we should never 
speak of ourselves, (except to intimate friends^ and 
that we should converse with strangers about them- 
selves, and everything which can interest them. 
Questions are therefore necessary, but they demand 
infinite delicacy and tact, in order neither to fatigue, 
nor wound the feelings. If, instead of express- 
ing a mild and heartfelt interest, you ask a dry 
question dictated by a cold curiosity ; if you seem 
to pay no attention to the answers which you call 
forth ) if you mal-adroitly take a commanding tone ; 
if you prolong without bounds this kind of conver- 
sation ; or perceiving that you are embarrassed, and 
while you endeavor to save yourself by an evasive 
answer, instead of keeping silence, you witness the 
foolish regrets of your indiscretion ; be assured that 
both your questions and yourself will be considered 
as a torment. 

Madam Necker ingeniously observes that these 
favorite and frequently repeated terms with which 
we fill our conversation, serve, ordinarily as a mark 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. Ill 

of people s character. { Thus,' says she, ' those who 
exceed the truth are in the habit of saying, You may 
rely upon it, it is the truth; long talkers say, In a 
word, to be brief ; and the proud say, Without boast- 
ing,' &c. This striking observation is well founded, 
and consequently we ought to take good care not 
to let people into the secret of our peculiarities. 

But, independently of this motive, it is necessary 
for us carefully to avoid frequently recurring words, 
as in time, habit multiplies them to an inconceivable 
degree. They embarrass and overwhelm our con 
versation, turn away the attention of those who listen 
to us, and render us importunate, and ridiculous, 
without our being able to perceive it. 

If habitual words, which on no other account are 
reprehensible, can become so troublesome, what re- 
sults may trite phrases, trivial expressions, and 
vulgar transitions produce, when they become fre- 
quent ! 

SECTION III. 

Of Narrations, Analysis, and Digressions. 

There are many conditions indispensable to the 
success of a narrative. These conditions are, first, 
novelty ; the best stories weary when they are mul- 
I 



112 GENTLEMAN ASD LADY'S 

tiplied too much, because every one wishes to be an 
actor in his turn upon the stage of the world. So 
that, when you have any thing excellent to relate, 
consult less your own desire to tell it, than the 
wishes of others to hear you. There are but too many 
people who discover the secret of wearying while 
telling very good things, on account of their too great 
eagerness to tell them. 

The next thing is to take a suitable opportunity. 
Let your narration spring naturally from the conver- 
sation; let it explain a fact, or come in support of 
an opinion, but let it never appear to be introduced 
by the foolish pleasure of talking, or by a not less 
foolish desire of making a display of talent. Remem- 
ber that the most meagre recitals, when they are 
apropos, frequently please more than the best things 
in the world, when they are said out of time. And 
even endeavoring to monopolize the conversation is 
m bad ton, particularly for young persons and ladies, 
especially if it is but a few moments since they before 
occupied the attention of the company. It is an agree- 
able and modest mark of propriety to request some 
one to relate an anecdote of the day, of which you 
have made mention, and the circumstances of winch 
you desire to know. This is well suited to persons 
of distinguished talents. The person called upon 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 113 

bows and apologizes in a few words before acceding 
to your request. 

It is of all importance that the language correspond 
to the different forms which the narration requires ; 
that, under pretext of adorning our story, we do not 
wander into far-fetched comparisons, dull details, or 
interminable dialogues ; that if we relate any thing 
amusing or striking, we should observe the utmost 
seriousness, and finally, before commencing a recital 
of this kind, we should keep in mind these lines of 
Lafontaine ; 

II ne faut jamais dire aux gens, 

Ecoutez un bon mot, oyez une merveille, 

Savez-vous si les ecoutans 

En feront une estime a la votre pareille'? 

When, for want of observing this as well as many 
other similar rules, narrators fail of the expected effect, 
and think to be able to tell it over again, and remark- 
ing on the comic part of the story, and laboring to re- 
peat it thus; — Do you not think this excellent, won- 
derful ? Alas ! they only add to their own defeat, and 
to the ennui of their poor hearers. 

If one relates an anecdote which you already 

know, permit him to finish it, and do not in any way, 

draw off the attention of those who are listening. 

If your opinion is asked, give it frankly, and with- 

10* 



114 GENTLEMAN AND LADl's 

out wishing to appear better informed than the nar- 
rator himself. Still farther ; if you happen to be in 
tete-a-tete with the same narrator, observe silence, 
and listen with an air of interest, and if he happens 
to impart to you what he related the preceding day, 
or what he had from you yourself, you should ap- 
pear to listen with equal interest, as if for the first 
time. Frequently, in the midst of a recital, the nar- 
rator, through forgetfulness, hesitates, and thinks 
that he can recall it. Look at him attentively. If 
he is in doubt, declare that you are altogether igno- 
rant of the subject in question. If his memory returns, 
request him to continue, at the same time saying; 
J listen to you ahcays with new pleasure. This 
delicate politeness is particularly to be observed to- 
wards old persons. 

When your narrations haye had success, keep a 
modest countenance ; leave others to point out the 
striking parts which have pleased them. The surest 
means of not having the approbation of others, in ac- 
tions as well as other things, is to solicit it, whether it 
be by looks, or words. 

As every hearer is obliged to listen or understand 
without objecting, the consequence is, that we should 
feel our ground before speaking, and ask if such or 
such a thing is known to the company. When a 
story has been published in the newspapers, so that 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 115 

it is not entirely new, or seems borrowed from a 
compilation of anas, if we attribute it to some person 
of our acquaintance, (of course one that is absent,) 
an ineffable ridicule very properly stigmatizes the 
narrator. 

We come now to what seems to me the most diffi- 
cult part of conversation, and if you are not sure of 
being able to class your ideas with regularity, to ex- 
press them with much clearness, and an easy ele- 
gance, do not have the temerity to wish to analyze 
a book, or a dramatic piece. You would be laying 
up for yourself a rude mortification, which would 
have an unfavorable influence on your entree into 
society. You would be wrong, however, in conclud- 
ing, that I condemn you to perpetual silence ; I only 
wish to inspire you with a salutary diffidence, in order 
to preserve you from such a rude check, and to put it 
&| your power some future day to answer, in this par- 
ticular, the wishes of a distinguished and brilliant as- 
sembly . 

Begin by putting down upon paper a hasty sketch 
of a short piece, as for instance a vaudeville, or a 
little comedy. You will do this until, being sure 
of the manner in which you would embrace the 
ensemble, and dispose of the details, you can produce 
it without embarrassment. When arrived at this 
point, abstain from these kinds of analysis, which 
though indeed more correct, seem labored. They 



116 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

have besides less freedom, appropriateness, and 
grace. 

Know this, and remember it well, that every other 
preparation than thinking what you are about to say, 
will make you acquire two intolerable faults, affecta- 
tion and stiffness. # 

To conclude, I give this advice only to those per- 
sons who, by a quick and penetrating perception, 
by a love of the fine arts, and a peculiar readiness, 
find themselves able to speak properly of literary pro- 
ductions. 

Those who are less engaged in these tilings, should 
content themselves with simply and briefly explain- 
ing a subject, and of mentioning the emotion they 
felt; with speaking of some brilliant passage, and 
adding that they do not pretend to pronounce judg- 
ment. 

The first degree of digression is the parenthesis ; 
provided it is short, natural, and seldom repeated, 
and that you always take care to announce it, and 
finally, not to abuse it, you may make a skilful use 
of it. The second degree of digression becomes more 
nice, for it includes those accessory reflections, those 
common but agreeable and well-settled expressions, 
and those general or particular allusions, which 
are only to be used with a peculiar emphasis, which 
is to language what the italic character is to print 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 117 

ing. This method of speaking in italics may be 
striking and artless, but it often becomes obscure 
and trivial; the habit is dangerous, and one should 
use this difficult digression only before intimate 
friends. 

We now come to the third degree, to what is 
properly called digression ; most frequently it is in- 
voluntary. Often in a lively and animated dialogue, 
the impetus of conversation carries you, as well as 
the person with whom you are conversing, far from 
the point from which you started. If it is a question 
of pleasure or interest, return to your point by employ- 
ing a polite turn, as, Fray let us not lose sight of our 
business. But if it is an affair of nothings succeeding 
nothings, let it flow on. 

Voluntary digression, when it is not a mere work 
of loquacity, maybe employed in serious discourse, as 
political, philosophical, or moral discussions ; but it is 
important to treat it with infinite reserve, and care, 
and never to introduce a personal apology, or a domes- 
tie incident, altogether out of place, as those persons 
do, who, in narrating any event relative to an individ- 
ual, recount his life, their connection with him, or his 
whole family, and make the event of an hour remind 
us of ages. 

Lawyers, literary people, military men, travellers, 



118 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

invalids and aged ladies, ought to have a prudent and 
continual distrust of the abuse of digressions. 

SECTION IV. 

Of Suppositions and Comparisons. 

The two shoals to be avoided in this form of lan- 
guage are directly opposed to each other; the one is 
triviality, the other bombast. 

The object of supposition, which is already anti- 
quated, and sometimes too simple, is to increase the 
force of reasoning, and to carry conviction to the 
mind of the person who listens to you; comparison 
tends to make an image, or to place before us the object 
described. When both these qualities are regulated 
by reason, use, and taste, it is very well; but how 
seldom is this the case ! 

They are not properly used, if, in the course of a 
discussion, you suppose a respectable person to supply 
the place of a madman, an ill-bred person, or a robber; 
or, if you suppose him to be in a situation disgraceful 
or even ridiculous. As, for example ; If you had 
been this bad person; or, Suppose, that you had com- 
mitted this base act; or, that you should be laughed 
at, fyc. 

They are also misplaced, whenever, being satisfied 
with avoiding disagreeable comparisons, we endeav- 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 119 

or to mark out some one as contemptible, by com- 
paring his exterior with that of some other person 
in the company. When we say : This unfortunate 
man is of your size, sir; he has your traits, your 
■physiognony, &c. 

They are also misplaced, if used in the presence of 
people of a profession upon which the injurious com- 
parisons fall, as when we say ; As quackish as a doc- 
tor ; greedy as an attorney ; loquacious as a lawyer, 
&c. 

Finally, politeness and taste cannot at all exist 
in comparisons, if they are common or trivial, as 
when we say, black as the chimney-back, high as 
one's hand, &c. ; or, if they are in a turgid and pre- 
tending style, such as, learned as the Muses, fresh as 
the meadows, &c. 

SECTION V. 

Of Discussions and Quotations. 

Whatever be the subject of conversation, propose 
your opinion with modesty ; defend it with sang- 
froid, and a mild tone if you are opposed ; yield with 
a good grace if you are wrong, and even if you are 
in the right, if the subject of discussion is of little 
importance, and especially if the one who opposes 
you is a lady, or an old person. Moreover, if love 



120 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

of truth or the desire of affording instruction force 
you to enter into a discussion, do it with address and 
politeness. If you do not bring your opponent 
over to your own opinion, you will at least gain his 
esteem. 

But if you have to do with one of those people who, 
possessed with a mania of discussion, commence by 
contradicting before they hear, and who are always 
ready to sustain the contrary opinion, yield to him ; 
you will have nothing to gain with him. Be assured 
that the spirit of contradiction can be conquered only 
by silence. 

The insupportable pedantry of a cloud of quoters, 
without tact or talent, has justly, for a long time, 
thrown quotations into disrepute ; but if they are well 
chosen, few, and short; if they are apropos, 

qui fuit comrae le temps, qui plait comme les graces; 

if they are altogether new, and wielded by a per- 
son possessed of modesty, elegance, and taste, and 
having a perfect knowledge of the world, quotations 
have much success and charm ; but without these 
conditions there is little safety ; and in this matter 
there can be no mediocrity; you will either be a 
good model, or an insupportable pedant. Consider 
if you will rashly run this chance, especially on 
making your debut in society, when young persons 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 121 

ought so carefully to avoid making a parade of a vain 
college erudition, and not seek the reputation of 
a savant by employing words borrowed from foreign 
languages, or scientific terms unknown in good so- 
ciety. 



SECTION VI. 

Of Pleasantry, Proverbs, Puns, and Bon Mots 

If society is not a school for exercising pedantry, 
neither is it an arena for the use of those perversely 
clever people, who think themselves furnished with a 
patent to insult with grace. Whatever may be the 
keenness of their sarcasms, the piquancy of their ob- 
servations, or the smile which they excite in me, I do 
not on this account the less refuse to allow to those 
caustic spirits the name of polite persons, or of good 
ton; for, in politeness there must be good feeling. But 
those who incessantly study to trouble and wound 
people, without taking any precaution except to de- 
prive them of the right or means of complaining ; who 
are ready to catch at the least error, to exaggerate 
it, to clothe it in the most bitter language, and present 
it in the most ridiculous light ; who meanly attack 
those who cannot answer them, or expose themselves 
every day for a sarcasm to sport with their own life 
11 



122 



GENTLEMAN AND LADY S 



and that of another in a duel — such people, what are 
they ? — in truth, I dare not say. 

One such picture, which, certainly is not highly 
colored, would render pleasantries always odious ; 
but to indulge in pleasantry is not to resemble such 
mischievous persons, thank heaven ! it is far other- 
wise ; for mild, kind, and harmless pleasantry should 
be taken in good part even by those who are the sub- 
jects of it ; it is a friendly, and sportive contest, in 
which severity, jealousy, and resentment should 
never appear ; whenever you percive the least trace 
of them, the pleasantry is at an end ; desist, then, the 
moment they appear. 

As to hoaxing, that caustic of fools, and that silly 
gaiety, excited by the candor or politeness of people 
whom you falsely cause to believe the most foolish 
things, because they do not make known to you that 
they see through this pleasure of stupid fellows, 
I have nothing to say, except that I have too good an 
opinion of my reader to suppose that he does not de- 
spise them as I do. 

Popular quotations and proverbs, as well as other 
quotations, require some care ; and except in famil- 
iar conversation, are altogether misplaced. If they 
are frequent, conversation becomes a tedious gossip- 
ping; if introduced without a short previous re- 
mark, one of two things will take place, they will 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 123 

either prevent the speaker from being understood, or 
give him the air of Sancho Panza. But the previous 
remark, however, need be but short; as the proverb 
says, as the wisdon of nations has it. A proverb 
well appplied, and placed at the end of a phrase, fre- 
quently makes a very happy conclusion. 

I only speak to censure ; I therefore entreat my 
readers not to suffer themselves to be the manufac- 
turers of puns, and to despise this talent of fools and 
childish means to excite a passing laugh. Not that 
we cannot repeat in good company one of those rare 
political bon mots which are happy in every respect ; 
nor that we ought to deprecate this kind of pleasantry 
before people who are fond of them, still less to tell 
them what they hear every day, That is poor; to 
have taste, does not authorize us to be impolite. 

We must be much more severe upon another kind 
of equivoques ; namely, those which offend modesty. 
Propriety allows you, and it even requires you not to 
listen to, but even to interrupt an ill-bred person who 
importunes you with those indecent witticisms which 
a man of good society ought always to avoid ; they 
are those in aid of which we cover certain pleasant- 
ries with a veil so transparent, that they are the more 
observed. What pleasure can we find in causing la- 
dies to blush, and in meriting the name of a man of 
bad society ? 



124 GENTLEMAN AND LADT's 

There are those who think that they may allow 
themselves every kind of pleasantry before certain 
persons ; but a man of good ton ought to preserve it 
wherever he is. We might quote more than one ex- 
ample of persons, who have lost politeness of manners 
and of language by assuming the habits and conversa- 
tion of all kinds of society into which chance may have 
carried them. It requires but a moment to lose those 
delicate shades of character which constitute a man 
of the world, and which cost us so much labor to ac- 
quire. 

It is a great error to suppose that we must always 
shine in conversation, and that it is better to make 
ourselves admired by a lively and ready repartee, 
than to content ourselves sometimes with silence, or 
with an answer less brilliant than judicious.* We 

* That a reply may be truly pleasing, it is necessary 
that he who makes it has a right so to do, and that we 
may quote it without doing him any wrong ; otherwise, 
we should laugh at the reply, and despise the author of 
it. There are replies which are pleasing in the mouth 
of a military man, but which would be ridiculous in the 
mouth of a civil magistrate. A young lady may make 
lively and brilliant repartees, which would be insupport- 
able in a woman in the decline of life ; as the latter 
might make such as would be unsuitable in a young lady. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 125 

must not imagine that all traits of wit are in the class 
of politeness ; a vain and triumphant air spoils a bon 
mot ; moreover, when you repeat a thing of this kind 
of which you are yourself the author, beware of saying 
so to your auditors. 

SECTION VII. 

Of Eulogiums, Complainings, Improprieties in gen- 
eral, and Prejudices. 

One of the most improper things, is to praise to 
excess and unseasonably. Extravagant and misplaced 
eulogiums neither honor the one who bestows them, 
nor the persons who receive them. 

An infalliable method of giving a meritorious per- 
son the air of a fool, is to address him to his face 
and without disguise, in exaggerated eulogiums ; it 
is indeed not a little embarrassing to reply in such a 
case. If we remain silent, we appear to be inhaling 
the incense with complacency ; and if we repel it, 
we only seem to excite it the more. Thus we see, 
in such a case, and even among very clever persons 
too, those who reply by silly exclamations and by 
rude assertions. You were laughing at me, they 
say, but this cannot be tolerated, for it is to be sup- 
posed that the person who praises you is incapable of 

such an act. I think it would be better to say, If I 
11* 



126 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

did not know you were so kind (or so good) I should 
indeed think you were joking me. Or else, we should 
say, your partiality blinds you. 

Persons who are unacquainted with the world, 
commonly think that they cannot address a lady with- 
out first assailing her with compliments. This is a 
mistake, gentleman, and I can with relation to this 
point reveal to you what my sex prefers to these vul- 
gar eulogiums. 

It is in bad ton to overwhelm with insipid flattery, 
all women that we meet, without distinction of age, 
rank or merit. It may indeed please some of light 
and frivolous minds, but will disgust a woman of good 
sense. Carry on with them a lively, piquant and va- 
ried conversation; and remember that they have a 
too active imagination, and a too great versatility of 
disposition, to support conversation for a long time 
upon the same subject. 

But is it then necessary to proscribe eulogiums en- 
tirely? Not at all — society has not yet arrived at 
that degree of philosophy ; eulogiums are and will for 
a long time be a means of success ; but they should be 
in the first place, true, or at least probable, in order 
not to have the appearance of outrageous insults; 
they should be indirect and delicate, that we may 
listen to them without being obliged to interrupt' 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 127 

and they should be tempered with a sort of judgment, 
the skilful use of which, is itself even a eulogium. 

I repeat, as I have often said, let there be modera- 
tion in everything. 

Should we not regard as gross and ridiculous lan- 
guage, that exaggeration which we frequently hear 
used in praise as well as in censure ? It seems 
that true politeness in language consists principally 
in a certain moderation of expressions. It is much 
better to cause people to think more than we say, than 
outrage language, and run the risk of going beyond 
what we ought to say. 

Under any circumstances, complaining has always 
a bad grace. 

Banish from your complaints ill-nature and animosi- 
ty ; let your anger be only an expression of the wrong 
you have suffered, and not of that which you would 
cause ) this is the surest means of gaining to your 
side persons who would perhaps be doubtful w x hether 
to favor your adversary or yourself. 

Politeness is not less opposed to making excessive 
complaints to the first person you meet, than to the 
frequent and extravagant eulogiums which you be- 
stow improperly upon those from whom you expect 
a favor in return. 

By the word improprieties, we generally under- 
stand all violations of politeness. We, however, give 
K 



l28 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

to this word a particular and limited sense. It signi- 
fies a want of due regard to, and a forge tfulness of, 
the delicate attentions which seem to identify us with 
the situation of others. We will mention some exam- 
ples of these particular violations of politeness. To 
accost sad people with a smiling face and sprightly 
manners, which prove to them the little interest 
which you take in their situation ; to trouble by a 
whimsical and cross ill-humor, and by misanthropic 
declamations, the pleasure of contented persons ; to 
exalt the advantages of beauty before aged ladies or 
those who are naturally unfortunate ; to speak of the 
power that wealth bestows in the presence of people 
hardly arrived at mediocrity of fortune ; to boast of 
one's strength or health before a valetudinarian, &c. 

The sense which we shall here give to the term 
prejudices is still more limited than that which we 
have just given to the expression improprieties. 

We do not mean to speak here of those erroneous 
judgments, acknowledged as such, which though 
undermined, and shaken, are still respected by that 
society which they torment. We wish only to ad- 
monish our fair readers of those unfriendly prejudi- 
ces of nation against nation, city against city, and 
section against section ; that malevolent disposition 
which with a Parisian makes the name provincial, 
synonymous with awkwardness and bad ton, and 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 1$$ 

which, in the saloons of the Chausee d'Antin, allows 
no favor to persons lodging in the Marais ; because 
the people of the Marais, provincials and Englishmen, 
do not consider it any fault to return prejudice for pre- 
judice, and contempt for contempt. 



130 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 



CHAPTER VII. 

Of Epistolary Composition. 

Next to social communications by means of 
visits and conversation, are those by means of 
letters and billets. It is not only absence, but a 
multiplicity of business, and a great number of rela- 
tions which give a very great extension to this part 
of our social interests. 

Our readers have too much judgment to think that 
we wish to give them lessons in style, or teach them 
how they should write letters of friendship, of con- 
gratulation, of condolence, of apology, of recom- 
mendations, of invitation, of complaint, or of censure. 
This enumeration alone, shows the impossibility of 
it. Some general reflections upon propriety in epis- 
tolary composition, and strict details of the forms and 
ceremonial parts of letters, will compose this import- 
ant chapter. 

SECTION I. 

Of Propriety in Letter Writing. 

If in conversation we ought to attend to propriety 
of language, its choice and graceful euphony, how 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 131 

much more is it necessary to endeavor to make our 
style in writing clear, precise, elegant, and appro- 
priate to all subjects. Vivacity of discourse forces 
us frequently to sacrifice happy though tardy ex- 
pressions to the necessity of avoiding hesitancy ; but 
what is thus an obstacle in speaking, does not inter- 
fere with the use of the pen. We ought, therefore, 
to avoid repetitions, erasing, insertions, omissions, 
and confusion of ideas or labored construction If 
we write a familiar letter to an equal or a friend, 
these blemishes may remain, otherwise, we must 
commence our letter again. 

The most exact observance of the rules of language 
is strictly necessary 3 a fault of orthography, or an 
incorrect expression, are not allowable, even in the 
least careful letter or the most unimportant billet. 
Even correction is not admissible ; for, besides being 
a blemish to the letter, it betrays the ignorance or 
inattention of him who writes it. For these reasons, 
it is well to make a rough draft, if we are little ac- 
customed to epistolary style, and if being very young 
we cannot perfectly remember the rules of syntax 
and the dictionary. Some persons, it is true, cen- 
sure this precaution, which, say they, marks the 
style with affectation and stiffness. This censure 
does not seem to me well founded. The loss of time 
which this method requires, is a more real inconven 



132 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

ience ; and for this reason, and on account of the 
embarrassment with which we may be troubled, it is 
well to accustom ourselves to writing a letter extem- 
pore with neatness, elegance and correctness. 

The choice of materials for writing, without being 
very essential, is yet necessary ; to write on very coarse 
paper, is allowable only for the most indigent ; to use 
gilt edged and perfumed paper for letters of business, 
would be ridiculous. The selection of paper ought 
always to be in keeping with the person, age, sex, 
and circumstances of the correspondents. Ornament- 
ed paper, of which we have just spoken; paper 
bordered with colored vignettes and embossed with 
ornaments in relief upon the edges, or slightly colored 
with delicate shades, is designed for young ladies, 
and those whose condition, taste, and dignity, presup- 
pose habits of luxury and elegance. Many distin- 
guished people, however, reasonably prefer simplicity 
in this thing, and make use of very beautiful paper, 
but yet without ornament. 

People of business, heads of companies or estab- 
lishments, and persons of distinction, with many 
titles, use paper printed at the top, that is to say, 
having the name of their residence, the three first 
figures of the date of the year, their address, and 
these words, Mr. A. (here follow the titles) to 
Mr. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 133 

It is extremely impolite to write upon a. single 
leaf of paper, even if it is a billet; it should be 
always double, even though we write only two or 
three lines. It is still more vulgar to use for an en- 
velope, paper on which there are one or two words 
foreign to the letter itself, whether they be written or 
printed. 

Billets, letters folded lengthwise, and half envel- 
opes, are little used. A folded letter, especially if 
written upon vellum paper, should be pressed at the 
folds by means of a paper-folder. 

The rules of politeness ought moreover to decide 
as to the expense of postage. They require us to 
defray the expense of the letter if it is written to 
distinguished persons, or to those of whom we ask any 
favor ; but it would be an incivility, and sometimes a 
want of delicacy, to do it when we write to a friend, 
an acquaintance, or to persons of little fortune, whose 
feelings we should fear to wound. We must there- 
fore, in order to save them the expense as well as to 
avoid dissatisfaction, endeavor to make some excuse 
of business. 

Letters for new year's day, and other holidays, 

are usually written beforehand, in order to arrive on 

the previous or very same day. This is particularly 

required towards relations ; for friends and intimate 

12 



134 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

acquaintances, the following week will do, and for 
other persons, any time within the month. 

It is as indispensable to answer when you are 
written to, as when you are spoken to, and the indo- 
lence which so many correspondents allow in them- 
selves, in this respect, is an incivility. And if after 
all they decide to answer, they begin by apologies so 
constantly renewed, that they become common-place. 
We must use much care that these excuses may not 
appear ridiculous. Conciseness, and some new terms 
of expression, are, in this case, indispensable. The 
same observation is applicable in making use of re- 
proving terms. 

Letters, as we have seen, supply the place of visits, 
in bestowing presents, or on occasions of marriages, 
funerals, &c; and to neglect to write in a similar case, 
is gross impoliteness. 

Two persons should not write in the same letter, 
by one writing upon the first, and another upon the 
second leaf, except we are intimate with the corres- 
pondent. The same is applicable to postscripts. It 
is not allowable, except to familiar friends, to use 
expressions borrowed from foreign languages, as for 
instance the phrase of the Italians, I kiss your hands, 
&c. The language of men who write to ladies ought 
always to have a polish of respect, with which the 
latter might dispense in answering. Except on oc- 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 135 

casions of great ceremony, a lady ought not to ad- 
dress to a man such phrases as, J have the honor to 
he, &c, while the latter should use the most respectful 
terms, as Deign, madam, to allow me; allow me the 
honor of presenting you my respects, &c. 

You may use a lofty style towards persons to whom 
you owe respect; an easy, trifling, or even jesting 
style, towards a friend; and a courteous style towards 
ladies generally. You should not write in a trifling 
style to persons of a higher standing. It sometimes 
happens that a man of superior rank honors with his 
friendship a man of lower condition, and is pleased 
that the latter writes to him without ceremony. In 
this case we may use the privilege which is given us ; 
but we must take care not to abuse it, and to make 
known from time to time that we are ready to confine 
ourselves within respectful bounds. 

When you write upon any subject, consider it 
fully before putting it upon paper, and treat of each 
topic in order, that you may not be obliged to recur 
to any one again, after having spoken of another 
thing. 

If you have many subjects to treat of in the same 
letter, commence with the most important; for if 
the person to whom you write is interrupted while 
reading it, he will be the more impatient to resume 



136 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

the reading, however little interesting he may find 
it. 

It is useful and convenient to begin a new para- 
graph at every change of the subject. 

After having written Sir or Madam at the top of 
the letter, we should not commence with one of these 
phrases ; Sir, Madam — , your sister, has written me, 
that. We should say, J understand by a letter 
which Madam — , your sister, has written me. 

Take care also, when writing to a person worthy 
of respect, not to make compliments to any one. But 
write to this third person whatever you wish him to 
know. 

Titles of respect, as Lordship, Majesty, Highness, 
Excellency, Honor, Madam, &c, ought never to be 
abbreviated, either in writing to the persons them- 
selves, or to any one who has acquaintance with 
them. 

Figures are used only for sums and dates; num- 
bers of men, days, weeks, &c, are to be written at 
length. 

SECTION II. 

Of the Interior and Exterior Form of Letters. 

The interior form of a letter has reference to the titles 
and qualities of persons to whom it is proper to give 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 137 

them ; the more or less courteous phrases which we 
should use ; the more or less respectful manner with 
which the commencement and body of the letter aro 
to be arranged ; and the more or less humble terms 
which we are to use for the signature, the address ox 
the superscription. 

The exterior form of a letter is what concerns the 
size of the paper ; the blank that we should leave 
between the vedette, (or line containing only the 
name) and the first line ; between the last line, the 
appellation, and signature; the manner of folding 
the letter, and the choice and mode of putting on the 
seal. 

In addressing the pope, we say at the top of 
the letter, Holy Father, or Most Holy Father; and 
instead of You, we should say, Your Holiness; to 
a prince cardinal, My Lord, and Your Most Eminent 
Highness. 

To a cardinal, My Lord, and Your Eminence. 

To an archbishop or bishop, My Lord, and Your 
Grace. 

To an emperor or empress, we say, Sire, or Madam ; 
and instead of You, we say, Your Imperial Majesty. 

To a king we also say, Sire, and Your Majesty. 

To a queen, Madam, and Your Majesty. 

To the brother of a king, Your Royal Highness. 
12* 



138 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

To an elector of the empire, Your Electoral High- 
ness. 

To a sovereign prince, Your Most Serene Highness 

To a prince, Your Highness. 

To an ambassador or minister, Your Excellency. 

To the chancellor of France, My Lord, and Your 
Lordship. 

The title Excellency is not given to ladies. 

Persons who have an exact knowledge of the lan- 
guage and usage of the court, know what is the most 
proper manner of expressing themselves. We will 
give some examples in which the different degrees 
of respect may be readily perceived. 

1 1 have received the letter with which you have 
been pleased to honor me.' 

* I have received the letter which you have done 
me the favor to write to me, which you have done 
me the honor to write to me, which you have taken 
the trouble to write to me.' 

There are some persons who commence their let- 
ters with these words ; J have received your's of the 
12th current; this is a fault; we should say, your 
letter. The first is the style of those people, who, 
being pressed with business, are obliged to make ab- 
breviations ; and we must, in the common customs of 
life, beware of imitating them in this respect. We 
may say the same in respect to persons who write at 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 139 

the top of their letters, { I have received your honored 
letter of such a date ;' or, l in answer to your honored 
letter ;' or ' I write you these few words' AH these 
forms are objectionable. 

We should never repeat in the first sentence of a 
letter, the names My Lord, Sir, or Madam, with 
which we began. But if we write to a prince, or 
even to a minister, we should after the first line use 
the words, Your Majesty, Your Highness, or Your 
Excellency, and repeat them from time to time, in the 
course of the letter, if it is of some length. 

As to the conclusion of a letter, we should not say 
simply, / am, without adding some such phrase as 
these ; With the most profound respect, with pro- 
found respect, with the highest regard, &c. To per- 
sons who have the title of majesty, highness, eminence, 
&c. we say, Jam your majesty's or your highnesses 
&c. very humble, &c. 

The words esteem and affection are used only in 
letters to friends or acquaintance, because they are 
too familiar ; but when accompanied by words which 
relieve them, they do not offend one. As for exam- 
ple, we can say, I am with profound respect, and 
the highest esteem, &c. 

The following forms may be used with elegance ; 

i Accept, Sir, the assurances of high consideration ; 
be pleased to accept the assurances, &c.' 



140 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

Letters of petition or request should be in folio, 
that is to say, upon a sheet of paper in its full size ; 
the margin should be half the breadth of the page ; 
the spaces and blanks which we ought to leave be- 
tween the upper edge of the paper and the vedette* 
and between the vedette and the first line, are very 
different, according to the degree of inferiority or 
superiority. The greater these spaces the more 
respect do they indicate. The first line ought al- 
ways to begin below the middle of the page, when 
we write to a person to whom we owe much respect ; 
but the second page should begin one line below the 
vedette. A blank space should always be left be- 
tween the last words of the signature, and the low- 
er edge of the paper. If there should not be suffi- 
cient room, it would be better to carry one or two lines 
over to the succeeding page, than to fail in this re- 
spect. 

For a familiar letter, it has become fashionable to 
leave no margin at all. It is, however, in these let- 
ters only that margins can be useful, namely, in re- 
ceiving a vertical line when all the paper is filled. 

The date of a letter may be put at the beginning 
when we write to an equal ; but in writing to a su- 
perior, it should be at the end, in order that the title 

* See page 137. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 141 

at the head of the letter may be entirely alone. In 
letters of business, on the contary,it is necessary to 
date at the top and on the first line, that persons may 
know conveniently, the chronological order of their 
communications. 

The date is often necessary to the understanding of 
many passages of your letter, or to explain the sense 
of one which your correspondent may have received 
at the same time from another person. 

In a simple billet, we put the date of the day, 
Monday, &c. It is well sometimes to add the hour. 

Every letter to a superior ought to be folded in 
an envelope. It shows a want of respect to seal 
with a wafer ; we must use sealing-wax. Men 
usually select red ; but young ladies use gilt, rose, 
and other colors. Both use black wax when they 
are in mourning. Except in this last case, the color 
of the seal is immaterial, but not the size, for very 
large ones are in bad taste. The smaller and more 
glossy, the better ton they are. Although sealing-wax 
is preferable, still we must sometimes avoid using it ; 
\t is when we are afraid that the seal may be opened. 

When the letter is closed with or without an en- 
velope, we put only a single seal upon it; but if the 
letter is large, we use two. Moreover, if it contains 
important papers, it should have three seals or more, 
according to the size of the envelope. If a per- 



142 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

son takes charge of a letter as a favor, it would be 
very impolite to put more than one seal upon it. If 
the letter should be folded in such a manner that by 
partly opening it at the end, its contents may be read, 
it would be equally impolite to put a little wax upon 
the edges. We can use this precaution only when 
the letter is sent by the post or by a domestic. 

When we use no envelope, and the third page of 
the letter is all written upon, we should leave a 
small blank space where the seal is to be put ; as with- 
out this precaution, many very important words will 
be covered. 

We should not seal a letter of respect with an an- 
tique device. It is more polite to use our coat of arms 
or initials. 

Persons of taste, who have no coat of arms, adopt 
a seal bearing some ingenious device, in keeping with 
their profession, sentiments, &c. 

A letter which is to be shown, as a letter of intro 
duction or recommendation, should never be seal- 
ed, since the bearer ought necessarily to know the 
contents. And to seal it without having first allow 
ed the bearer to read it, would be extremely impolite. 
You should prove to the person recommended, that 
you have spared no pains to render him a service. 

It is only conscripts, and peasants, who fold a 
letter like an apothecary's packet, and omit to press 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 143 

the wafer with a seal, or who secuie it by pricking it 
in every part with the point of a pin. 

We never seal petitions which are to be presented 
to the king, and to the members of the royal family. 

Some distinguished persons are flattered by our 
omitting in writing to them to designate precisely 
their address. This is an error ; we should indicate 
with exactness the town, province, state, &c. if 
•there is more than one town of the same name. 
In a large city, it is well to write the name of the 
street and number, as well as the quarter of the 
city where the street is. People of business abbre- 
viate this by putting N and the number, or the num- 
ber alone, but this practice is more expeditious than 
polite. 

We generally address a letter to one person only ; 
but in certain cases we may address to two or more 
collectively. 

It is well to add to the name, the title or profes- 
sion, in order to prevent mistake. However, if cir 
cumstances have obliged any one of your acquaint 
ance to act in an inferior situation, it would be a 
want of delicacy to join to his name that of his busi- 
ness. 

When we write to the king, we put simply in the 
address, To the King. To foreign kings we say, To 
his Catholic Majesty, his Britannic Majesty, &c. 
L 



144 GENTLEMAN A.XD LADY'S 

To persons who have the title of highness, we say, 
To his Highness, and then their quality or rank. 
To ministers and ambassadors, we say, To his Excel- 
lency, the Minister or Ambassador. If a person has 
many titles, we select the highest, and omit the others. 

In billets, we pat the date at the top of the paper, 
and begin the letter about two inches below. The 
word Sir is put in the first line. We conclude with 
one of these phrases, J am, Sir, yours ; 1 am truly 
yours, &c. We do not write a billet to ladies, or to 
superiors, as this was introduced only to avoid cere- 
mony. 

The most unceremonious billets, contrary to the 
common acceptation, are written in the third person. 
They contain very little, and begin thus, Mr. or Ma- 
dam JV*. present their respects, or compliments, to 
Mr. Such-a-one, and request, &c. After having 
made the request, we end with, and will oblige his 
humble servant. 

In this kind of billets, it is best not to use the pro- 
noun he or she, for independently of the incivility, it 
might result in confusion. Sometimes it would be 
difficult to know whether the pronoun referred to 
the person who received the letter, or to the one who 
wrote it. 

I shall conclude this chapter by an observation 
relative to friendly and familiar letters; not that I 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 145 

have the folly to pretend to regulate by any ceremo- 
nial, the sentiments of the heart; but there is in 
reality nothing more cold and ridiculous, than accu- 
mulations of epithets like these Your tender, sincere 
and constant friend, &c. 



13 



146 GENTLEMAN AND LAD if S 



CHAPTER VIII. 

Additional Rules in respect to the Social Relations. 

I include under this name, everything relating to 
friendly attentions, such as services, loans, presents, 
advice, and also things in relation to discretion, such 
as respect in conversation, letters, secrets, confiden- 
tial communications, &c. 



SECTION I. 

Of an Obliging Deportment. 
Polite persons are necessarily obliging. A smile 
is always on their lips, an earnestness in their coun- 
tenance, when we ask a favor of them. They know 
that to render a service with a bad grace, is in reali- 
ty not to render it at all. If they are obliged to re- 
fuse a favor, they do it with mildness and delicacy ; 
they express such feeling regret, that they still in- 
spire us with gratitude ; in short, their conduct ap- 
pears so perfectly natural, that it really seems that 
the opportunity which is offered them of obliging us, 
is obliging themselves ; and they refuse all our thanks, 
without affectation or effort 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 147 

This amiable character, a necessary attendant of 
perfect good breeding, is not always found with all 
its charms. There are besides, some obliging per- 
sons, who force us to extort their services, who feel 
of great consequence, and like to be supplicated 
and thanked to excess. Do not imitate them : they 
render us ungrateful in spite of ourselves, and make 
gratitude a pain and a burden. When one asks of 
you any favor, reply kindly, " 1" am at your service, 
and shall be very happy to render you any as- 
sistance in my power;" or else, with a sad man- 
ner, lament that there is such an obstacle, &c. Then 
devise some means of overcoming the obstacle, 
even if you should be assured beforehand that none 
exists. 

Other persons, pretending to be polite, make pro- 
testations of their services and zeal, without taking 
the trouble to abide by their offers when an occasion 
is afforded them ; so great is their trifling in this re- 
spect that they can be justly compared to those false 
heroes who are always talking of fighting, but who 
would be put to flight at the sight of a drawn sword. 
These indications of zeal are suspicious, when they 
are employed every moment and without any reason ; 
a knowledge of the world teaches us to discern them, 
and to give them that degree of confidence which 
they merit. Sometimes we can congratulate persons, 



148 GENTLEMAN AND LADT's 

wish them well, and have the appearance of taking 
an interest in the recital which they are making of 
their affairs, without really feeling any interest 
for them. We cannot always command our indiffer- 
ence in this respect, but we are obliged to spare 
them that constraint and ennui, which would infal- 
libly be shown if we should manifest to them the 
coldness which they inspire. It belongs to those 
persons who know the world, not to confound this 
politeness, with the pretended zeal of the Don Quix- 
ottes of the drawing-room, of whom we have spoken 
above. 

In order that a service may be completed, it is ne- 
cessary that it should be done quickly, nothing being 
more 'disobliging than tardiness, and the alternative, 
in which you place a person, either of addressing to 
you new solicitations, or of suffering by your delay. 
Your tardy assistance may perhaps be prejudicial, for 
one would suffer a long time before resolving to im- 
portune you anew. 

Make use then of despatch. If any circumstances 
prevent you from acting, inform the person, apolo- 
gise, and promise to make reparation for your neg- 
lect. On his part, the person who is under the obli- 
gation to you, should be careful of using a single 
term of reproach or of accosting you with an air of 
dissatisfaction. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 149 

When any one who is visiting you has need of a 
shawl, a handkerchief, or a hat, offer it with a com- 
plaisant zeal, resist the refusal which is made, (and 
which propriety does not require) select the best you 
have, in short, urge the persons not to be in haste to 
return the articles. If it is very bad weather, and 
the occasion a proper one, offer your carriage or an 
umbrella. The articles thus lent are returned the 
next day by a domestic, who is charged to thank the 
person for them. But if they are linen, they should 
not be returned without being washed. 

When a lady has borrowed ornaments of another, 
as for instance, jewels, the latter should always offer 
to lend her more than are asked for ; she ought also 
to keep a profound silence about the things which she 
has lent, and even abstain from wearing them for 
sometime afterwards, in order that they may not be 
recognised. If any one, perceiving they were bor- 
rowed, should speak to the person of it, he would 
pass for an ill-bred man. If the borrower speaks to 
you of it, it is well to reply that nobody had recog- 
nised them. All this advice is minute, but what kind 
will you have ? it concerns female self-esteem. 

One species of borrowing which is of daily occur- 
rence, and happens very often to tbe loss of the own- 
ers, is the borrowing of books. Persons are so want- 
ing in delicacy on this subject, that those who have 
13* 



150 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

a passion for books, and who are very obliging in 
other respects, are forced to refuse making these 
troublesome loans. The case, however, is a very 
perplexing one ; we cannot say, / am not willing to 
lend you this work ; but if the borrower is a suspi- 
cious person, we can say we have occasion to use it, 
that we regret it very much, but that we will lend it 
to him in a few days. However, we do not lend it at 
all. 

Well-bred persons do not make a bare request 
for a book; they wait until it is offered, and then 
accept the offer hesitatingly; they find out the 
length of time they can keep it, and return it punc- 
tually at the appointed day. In order to prevent 
every accident, they cover it with cloth or paper, 
since the favor should render them more careful than 
the value of the book ; they also take care not to 
turn down the leaves, or make marks, marginal 
notes, &c. 

If any accident happens to a borrowed article, we 
must repair the loss immediately. I shall not speak 
of more important loans, which are not within the 
jurisdiction of politeness. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 151 



SECTION II. . 
Of Presents. 

In the eyes of persons of delicacy, presents are of 
no worth, except from the manner in which they are 
bestowed ; in our advice, then, let us strive to give 
them this value. 

Presents are offered first to relations and to friends, 
and they occur under different circumstances ; on our 
arrival at a place from which we have been absent 
for a long time ; when our intimate friends leave the 
town in which we reside ; on our return from a jour- 
ney, particularly to the capital; in remarkable and 
remote countries ; on birthdays, days of baptism, or 
new year's day. 

But such a day is not only the occasion of ex- 
changing presents in a family, and for recollecting 
services and civilities ; of making our respects to 
ladies, and to superiors whom we wish to honor. It 
moreover offers us a delicate means of succoring the 
unfortunate. 

Secondly, at harvest time, if one owns land ; and in 
the hunting season, if a hunter, it is in good ton to send 



152 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

to our intimate friends , fine fruits, rare flowers, or some 
choice articles of game. 

The most delicate presents are the productions of 
our own industry ; a drawing, a piece of needle- work, 
ornamental hair-work, &c. But such offerings, though 
invaluable among friends, are not used on occasions of 
ceremony. 

Next to fitness of time for presents, comes fitness 
in the selection of them ; generally, luxury and ele- 
gance ought to reign in the latter; but this rule has 
numerous exceptions, and although it would be out 
of place to offer things purely useful, (to which cer- 
tain incidents would give the appearance of charity) 
still we should be in an error to suppose that a present 
is suitable, which is brilliant alone. It must by all 
means be adapted to the taste, age, and professions of 
persons, and their connexion with us. Thus to su- 
periors, you offer fruits, game, &c.; to a student, 
books ;* to a friend of the arts, music, or engravings ; 
to young married ladies, delicate and graceful articles 
of the toilet, &c. 

Presents should excite surprise and pleasure, there 
fore you ought to involve them in a little mystery, 
and present them with an air of joyful kindness. 

* It is not polite, when the presents are pamphlets, to 
offer those of which you have cut the leaves. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 153 

When you have made your offering, and thanks 
have been elicited, do not bring back the conversa- 
tion to the subject: avoid, particularly, making your 
gift of consequence. On the contrary, when its merit 
has been extolled, and the persons who have re- 
ceived the present, have evinced a lively satisfaction, 
say that the gift receives all its value from their opin- 
ion of it. 

However slight the charm a present may have, or 
if even insignificant, we should be ill-bred not to 
manifest much pleasure in receiving it. It is more- 
over necessary, when an opportunity offers, to speak 
of it, and not fail of saying to the donor, how useful or 
agreeable his present is to you. In proportion as a 
long space of time has elapsed, this attention is the 
more amiable, as it proves that you have preserved 
the object with care. And this reminds me, that we 
should never give away a present which we have re- 
ceived from another person, or at least that we should 
so arrange it, that it may never be known. 

It is well to mingle with our manifestations of 
gratitude, some objections to the high value of the 
gift, but not to dwell a long time on the subject, or to 
exclaim about it with earnestness. Under some cir- 
cumstances, these declamations may seem dictated by 
avarice and a want of delicacy ; and they are in bad 
taste at all times. 



154 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

We often make a present to some one through his 
children or wife, especially on new year's day, when 
it is the custom to present at least confectionary to 
one's young acquaintance. At Paris, we make such 
presents to married ladies ; in the provincial towns, 
we do not. Above all, when one has received a 
present of some value, he calls upon the person who 
gave it, or, if the distance is great, addresses to 
him a letter of thanks. Every one knows that cus- 
tom requires us to make a remuneration of a propor- 
tionate value, to the domestic who is the bearer of the 
present. 

SECTION III. 

Of Advice. 

Advice is a very good thing, it is true ; it is how- 
ever a thing which in society is the least pleasing. 
A giver of advice, who is incessantly repeating, If I 
was in your -place, I should do so and so, repels every 
one by his pride and indiscretion. Such an imperti- 
nent person should know, that he ought not to give 
advice without he is asked, and that the number of 
those who ask it is very limited: we are not, howev- 
er, speaking here of gratifications of vanity, but of 
that advice, the kindness and affection of which, 
gives it a claim to our attention. It is necessary to 



BOOK OF POLITE NFS! S 155 

use much reserve and care, otherwise you would 
seem to have a tone of superiority which would array 
the self-esteem of your friend against your wisest 
counsels. Of the forms of modesty, no one in this 
particular is superfluous : we may say, " It is possi- 
ble that I am mistaken, I should be far from having 
the courage to demand of i/ou, " &c. 

If a person makes any objections, do not say, You 
do not understand me, but, / have not expressed my- 
self properly. 



SECTION IV. 
Of Discretion. 

The duties of discretion are so sensibly felt by per- 
sons of good breeding, that they do not violate them 
except through forge tfulness. It will be enough 
therefore to make an enumeration of them, without 
intending to point out their necessity. 

Discretion requires in the first place, respect with 
regard to conversation. If, when we enter the house 
of any one, we hear persons talking in an earnest 
manner, we should step more heavily, in order to give 
notice to those who are engaged in the conversation. 
If, in an assembly, two persons retire by themselves 
to speak of business, we should be careful not to ap- 



156 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

proach them, nor speak to them until they have sep- 
arated. 

People who have lived a little in the world, know 
how essential it is not to mingle with curiosity in the 
business of persons whom we visit ; nor are they ig- 
norant what conduct is to be observed in case we 
surprise persons by an unexpected call ; but young 
persons may not know, and I beg them to give their 
attention to it. 

When we see a person occupied, we retire, or at 
least make signs of it ; if they should detain us, we 
step aside, and appear to be examining a picture, or 
looking out of the window, in order to prove that we 
take no notice of what engages them. But the de- 
sire to find for ourselves some such occupation, ought 
not to lead us to turn over the leaves of books placed 
upon the chimney-piece or elsewhere ; to run over a 
pamphlet; or to handle visiting cards, or letters, even 
though it be only to read the superscription. If the 
person visited should be opening a closet or drawers, 
it would be rude curiosity to approach in order to see 
what was contained there. If, among a number of 
valuable things, they take one to show you, be satis- 
fied with looking at that alone, without appearing to 
think of the others. 

If, before the person visited comes in, we should 
see another visitor, who, to pass the time, should 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. ' 157 

take a journal or a book from his pocket, it would be 
extremely impolite to read over his shoulder, and 
equally uncivil to read what a person is writing. 

It is not allowable to take down the books from a 
library; but we may, and we even ought to read the 
titles, in order to praise the good taste which has been 
shown in the choice of the works. 

If it happens that any one exhibits to a circle some 
rare and valuable object, be not in haste to ask for it, 
or to take it by reaching out your hand ; wait mod- 
estly until it comes to you; do not examine it too 
long when you have it, and if by chance any ill-bred 
person requests it before you have seen it, do not de- 
tain it; for it is better to suffer this small privation 
than to pass for a badly educated virtuoso. 

However insignificant the boasted object may be, 
never criticise it ; but if your opinion is asked, an- 
swer a few words of praise ; if the thing is really cu- 
rious, abstain from exaggerated compliments. 

To violate the secresy of letters, under any pre- 
text whatever, is so base and odious, that I hardly 
dare to say a word about it; I think, however, I ought 
to say, that it is also very reprehensible to endeavor to 
read any part of a letter folded in such a manner as to be 
partly open at the ends ; and when a certain passage 
in a letter concerning yourself is handed you to read, 
you should put your finger below it in order not to 
14 



158 GENTLEMAN AND LADy's 

read any thing more ; and if you are allowed to add 
any thing in a letter, have the discretion not to cast 
your eyes over the rest, and be expeditious so as to 
avoid the suspicion that you take advantage of the 
circumstance. 

Politeness is also opposed, in certain cases, to a too 
great haste to know any thing relating to ourselves. 
For example, if a person brings you a letter, you 
should not be in a hurry to open it, but see whether 
the letter concerns the bearer at all, or only yourself. 
In the first case, you should open it, and read it 
while he is present; in the other case, you should lay 
it aside. 

Politeness does not, however, impose such restraints 
upon curiosity in small things, and leave us free in im 
portant ones. Thus, we shall not say that we ought 
religiously to keep a secret, or that confidence re- 
ceived is a sacred deposite ; but we shall say to per- 
sons who have curiosity to know any private circum- 
stance, that they ought to be filled with shame if 
they do not desist all importunity as soon as they hear 
the word, it is a secret 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 159 



CHAPTER IX. 

Of Travelling. "i 

This chapter, although only accessory, and but 
remotely connected with the social relations, ought 
nevertheless, to be added here, as we do not wish to 
make any intentional omission ; and, besides, if in 
travelling, the duties of politeness are less numerous, 
they are not, therefore, the less obligatory. 

Persons about to travel, should make visits of tak- 
ing leave among their acquaintances, of whom they 
should ask if they have any commands for them. It 
would be indiscreet, unless in case of perfect intimacy, 
to accept this offer, or to ask them to take charge of 
such or such a thing, especially if it is a packet ) if 
persons are very intimate, we may request them to 
let us hear of their arrival. 

Before their departure, the names of passengers are 
entered in the order of their numbers, at the public 
coach offices. After this, each one takes the place 
assigned him. Politeness, however, requires that a 
gentleman should offer his seat to a lady who is less 
well accommodated; for it would be improper that 
M 



160 GENTLEMAN AND LADY's 

he should be seated upon the back seat, while she 
should be seated upon the front one. Some persons 
cannot bear the motion of a coach when they ride 
backwards ; and this manner of riding incommodes 
them extremely. Polite travellers will take pleasure 
in relieving them from this trouble. Ladies, on their 
part, ought not to require too much, nor put to too 
severe a test the complaisance of gentlemen. The 
latter, however, should at every stopping place, atten- 
tively help them alight, by offering the hand, and 
directing their feet on the step of the coach. The 
same thing is necessary in assisting them to get in 
again. It would appear ill, to take advantage of one's 
superiority of rank, in order to consult his own con- 
venience alone. It is necessary, on the contrary, for 
him to take great care not to incommode any one, and 
to show every civility to his fellow travellers. 

Politeness in travelling is not so rigorous as in so- 
ciety ; it only requires that we should not incom- 
mode our companions ; that we should be agreeable 
to them ; and that we should politely answer their 
questions; but it leaves us free to read, sleep, look 
about, or observe silence, &c. 

A traveller would be uncivil if he should open or 
shut the windows of the coach without consulting 
the people who are with him ; or, if he should, with- 
out offering to them, take any light and delicate food, 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 161 

as fruits, cakes, or confectionary, but which they 
should not generally accept; and he would appear 
disobliging, if, knowing the rout, he should not point 
out the beautiful sites, and answer any questions con- 
cerning them; finally, he would deserve the name 
of an imprudent prater, if he should converse with 
his fellow travellers as with intimate acquaint- 
ances. 

On our return, we should carry or send the commis- 
sions which we have received. Partial acquaintances, 
to whom we have offered, only by writing, to take 
their commands, should not expect a visit on our re- 
turn ; this right belongs only to relations, friends, or 
intimate acquaintances. 

Finally, all those for whom you have executed any 
commissions, owe you a visit of thanks as soon as it 
can be done. 

If you travel on horseback, in distinguished com- 
pany, give them the right, and keep a little behind, 
regulating yourself by the progress of your compan- 
ions. There is one exception to this rule ; it is when 
one of the two horses is skittish, so that it is absolute- 
ly necessary that the other should pass on first, that 
this one may follow. 

If you happen to be on the windward side, so that 
you throw dust upon your companion, you should 
change your position. When we pass by trees the 
14* 



162 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

branches of which are about the height of our shoul- 
ders, the one who goes first ought to take care that 
the branches, in going back to their former situation, 
should not strike with violence against the person who 
follows. 

If you are fording a large stream, a small river, or 
a muddy pool, it is polite to go first; but if you have 
not taken this precaution, and fall in the rear, you 
ought to keep at a distance, so that the horse's feet 
may not spatter the water or mud upon the gentle- 
man before you. If your companion gallops his horse, 
you should never pass him, nor make your horse 
caper, unless he signifies that it is agreeable to him. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 163 



PART III. 

OF PROPRIETY IN RELATION TO PLEASURES. 

CHAPTER I. 

Of Entertainments. 

Politeness ought, as we have seen, to direct and 
embellish all the circumstances of life ; but it is, if 
possible, still more necessary in relation to pleasures, 
which, without it, would have no attraction. 

Without intending to adopt the epigrammatic style, 
I will say that dining is almost an event, so many 
points of propriety have the mistress of the house and 
her guests to observe. 

When we intend giving an entertainment, we 
begin by selecting such guests as may enjoy them- \ 
selves together, or at least tolerate one another. If 
it is to be composed of gentlemen, there should be no 
lady present, except the lady of the house. The 
dinner being determined upon, we give out two or 
three days beforehand, verbal or written invitations. 
During the carnival or other season of gaiety, it is 



164 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

necessary to do it at least five days in advance, on ac- 
count of the numerous engagements. 

When we receive a written invitation, we must 
answer immediately whether we accept or not, al- 
though silence may be considered equivalent to an 
acceptance. In the latter case, we should give a 
plausible reason of our declining, and do it with po- 
liteness. When the invitation is verbal, we must 
avoid being urged, for nothing is more weak and dis- 
obliging ; we ought either to accept or refuse in a 
frank and friendly manner, offering some reasonable 
motive for declining, to which we should not again 
refer. It is not allowable to be urged, except when 
we are requested to dine with some one whom we 
have seen only at the house of a third person, or when 
we are invited on a visit or other similar occasion. In 
the former case, if we accept, we should first leave 
a card in order to open the acquaintance. 

Having once accepted, we cannot break our en- 
gagement, unless for a most urgent cause. 

An invitation ought to specify exactly the hour of 
meeting, and you should arrive precisely at that hour. 
The table should be ready, and the mistress of the 
house in the drawing-room, to receive the guests. 
When they are all assembled, a domestic announces 
that the dinner is served up ; at this signal we rise 
immediately, and wait until the master of the house 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 165 

requests us to pass into the dining-room, whither he 
conducts us by going before. 

It is quite common for the lady of the house to act 
as guide, while he offers his hand to the lady of most 
distinction. The guests also give their arms to ladies, 
whom they conduct as far as the table, and to the 
place which they are to occupy. Take care, if you 
are not the principal guest, not to offer your hand to 
the handsomest or most distinguished lady ; for it is 
a great impoliteness. 

Having arrived at the table, each guest respectfully 
salutes the lady whom he conducts, and who in her 
turn bows also. It is one of the first and most diffi- 
cult things properly to arrange the guests, and to place 
them in such a manner that the conversation may 
always be general during the entertainment ; we 
should as much as possible avoid putting next one 
another, two persons of the same profession, as it 
would necessarily result in an aside conversation, 
which would injure the general conversation, and 
consequently the gaiety of the occasion. The two 
most distinguished gentlemen are placed next the 
mistress of the house ; the two most distinguished la- 
dies next the master of the house ; the right hand is 
especially the place of honor. If the number of gen- 
tlemen is nearly equal to that of the ladies, we should 
take care to intermingle them ; we should separate 



166 GENTLEMAN AND LADY S 

husbands from their wives, and remove near relations 
as far from one another as possible, because being 
always together, they ought not to converse among 
themselves in a general party. 

The younger guests, or those of less distinction, are 
placed at the lower end of the table. 

In order to be able to watch the course of the din- 
ner, and to see that nothing is wanting to their 
guests, the master and mistress of the house usually 
seat themselves in the centre of the table, opposite 
each other. As soon as the guests are seated, the 
lady of the house serves in plates, from a pile at her 
left hand, the soup which she sends round, begin- 
ning with her neighbors at the right and left, and 
continuing in the order of their distinction. These 
first plates usually pass twice, for every one endeav- 
ors to make his neighbor accept whatever is sent 
him. 

The master of the house carves or causes to be 
carved by some expert guests, the large pieces, in or- 
der afterwards to do the other honors himself. If 
you have no skill in carving meats, you should not at- 
tempt it ; nor should you ever discharge this duty ex- 
cept when your good offices are solicited by him ; nei- 
ther can we refuse any thing sent us from his hand. 

A master of a house ought never to pride himself 
cipon what appears on his table, nor confuse himself 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 167 

with apologies ftp the bad cheer which he offers 
you ; it is much better for him to observe silence in 
this respect, and leave it to his guests to pronounce 
eulogiums on the dinner ; neither is it in good ton to 
urge guests to eat, nor to load their plate against their 
inclination. 

I will now give a few words of advice to guests ; 
puerile they may be, but which it is well to listen to, 
and observe. It is ridiculous to make a display of 
your napkin ; to attach it with pins upon your bosom, 
or to pass it through your buttonhole ; to use a fork 
in eating soup ; to ask for meat instead of beef ; for 
poultry instead of saying chicken, or turkey; to turn 
up your cuffs while carving; to take bread, even 
when it is within your reach, instead of calling upon 
the servant ; to cut with a knife your bread, which 
should be broken by hand; and to pour your coffee 
into the saucer to cool. 

Guests of the house of a distinguished personage 
are accompanied each by his own servant, who 
takes his place behind his chair. They should not 
address him during the entertainment, still less rep- 
rimand him. Before placing themselves at the 
table, they should direct him to serve the other 
guests also, and to retire as soon as the table is cleared, 
because the domestics of the house ought to eat by 
themselves. 



168 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

During the first course, each one helps himself at 
his pleasure to whatever he drinks ; but, in the sec- 
ond course, when the master of the house passes 
round choice wine, it would be uncivil to refuse it. 
We are not obliged, however, to accept a second 
glass. 

When at the end of the second course, the cloth 
is removed, the guests may assist in turning off that 
part of it which is before them, and contribute to the 
arrangement of the dessert plates which happen to 
be near, but without attempting to alter the disposi- 
tion of them. From the time that the dessert appears 
on the table, the duties of the master of the house 
diminish, as do also his rights. 

If a gentleman is seated by the side of a lady or 
elderly person, politeness requires him to save them 
all trouble of pouring out for themselves to drink, of 
procuring any thing to eat, and of obtaining whatever 
they are in want of at the table. He should be 
eager to offer them what he thinks to be most to their 
taste. 

It would be impolite to monopolize a conversation 
which ought to be general. If the company is large, 
we should converse with our neighbors, raising the 
voice only enough to make ourselves heard. 

Custom allows ladies at the end of an entertainment 
to dip their fingers into a glass of water, and to wipe 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 169 

them with their napkins ; it allows them also to rinse 
the mouth, using their plate for this purpose ; but, in 
my opinion, custom sanctions it in vain. 

It i3 for the mistress of the house to give the signal 
to leave the table ; all the guests then rise, and, offer- 
ing their arms to the ladies, wait upon them to the 
drawing-room, where coffee and liqueurs are prepared. 
We never take coffee at the table, except at uncere- 
monious dinners. In leaving the table, the master 
of the house should go last. Politeness requires us to 
remain at least an hour in the drawing-room, after 
dinner ; and, if we can dispose of an entire evening, 
it would be well to devote it to the person who has 
entertained us. 

We should not leave the table before the end of 
the entertainment, unless from urgent necessity. If 
it is a married lady, she requests some one to ac- 
company her; if a young lady, she goes with her 
mother. 

The question whether it is proper, or not, to sing 
at table, depends now upon the ton of the master of 
the house. We do not sing at the houses of people 
of fashion and the high classes of society ; but we 
may do it at the social tables of citizens. Here, 
we may repeat what has been said and proved a 
thousand times, how ridiculous it is to be urged 
when we know how to sing, or to insist upon 
15 



170 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

hearing a person sing who has an invincible 
timidity. 

After dinner, we converse, have music, or what is 
more common, prepare the tables for games. In the 
course of the soiree, the mistress of the house sends 
round upon a waiter eau sucrhe or refreshing syrups. 
During the week which follows the entertainment, 
each guest owes a visit to the person who has invited 
them. We usually converse at this time, of the din- 
ner, of the pleasure we have enjoyed, and of the per- 
sons whom we met there. This visit has received the 
cant name ofvisite de digestion. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 171 

CHAPTER II. 

Of Promenades, Parties, and Amusements. 

The paragraphs contained in this chapter concern 
the most common relations of society. Complai- 
sance and attentions ought therefore to embellish 
and adorn these relations with all the delicate shades 
of politeness. 

SECTION I. 

Of Promenades. 

A young man who walks with an elderly person^ 
undoubtedly knows that his companion has not the 
same strength and agility as himself; he ought there- 
fore to regulate his pace by that of the old person. 
The same precaution should be observed when we ac- 
company a person of distinction to whom we owe re- 
spect. Decorum demands that a gentleman should 
offer his arm to a lady who walks with him ; and 
politeness requires him to ask permisson to carry any 
thing which she may have in her hand, as a bag, a 
book, or a parasol (if the sun does not shine;) and in 
case of a refusal, he should insist upon it. 



172 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

If there are more ladies than gentlemen, we should 
offer our arm to the oldest, and to a married lady rather 
than to an unmarried one. If we are accompanied by 
two ladies, we cannot dispense with offering our arm 
to each of them. 

Place those whom you accompany upon that side 
which seems to them most convenient, and beware of 
opposing their tastes or desires. When occasion pre- 
sents itself, offer seats to your companions to rest them- 
selves, and do not urge them to rise until they mani- 
fest a wish to continue their walk. If they accept 
your invitation to sit down, and it happens that there 
are not a sufficient number of seats, then the ladies 
should sit, and the gentlemen remain standing. 

In a large public garden, chairs are seldom want- 
ing ; but if it is necessary to go for some to the place 
where they are kept, this is the business of the 
gentlemen, who should take care not to place them 
before persons already seated, for this would be an 
incivility. When payment for the seats is called 
for, one gentleman of the company pays for the 
whole. It would be impolite to offer to reimburse 
him. 

There is also a rule of politeness to be observed 
with regard to those whom we meet in walking. We 
ought to offend neither their eyes nor their ears. We 
must take care not to attract their attention by im- 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 173 

moderate laughter, nor allow ourselves liberties 
which we cannot take in a private garden. To sing 
and skip about in walking, would expose us to the 
hootings of the multitude, and other unpleasant things 
for which we could only accuse our own folly. 

If you are in a public promenade, converse upon 
general topics, which can offend no one, in order that 
your remarks may not be wrongly interpreted by per- 
sons who happen to hear them. Beware on the other 
er hand, of listening to the conversation of those who 
are not of your party. 

If you give your arm to a lady in the street, she 
ought to be next the wall. And if by chance, you 
are obliged to cross over, you should then change the 
arm. This deference is likewise due to all who are 
entitled to our respect. Two gentlemen do not take 
one another's arms in the street, unless they are young 
persons and intimate friends. 

We never go in advance of the lady whom we ac- 
company, and if she stops, we do so likewise, and re- 
main with her in looking at whatever attracts her at- 
tention. If a mendicant comes to ask alms, we imme- 
diately draw out our purse to satisfy his wants, that 
the lady with whom we are walking may not be im- 
portuned by him. 

If we walk in a private garden, and the company 
is numerous, we may separate, and form distinct 
15* 



174 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

groups. If the master of the house or any person of 
consideration, invite you to walk up and down the 
alleys, take care to give them the right, it being the 
most honorable side. At the end of each alley, and 
when you must retrace your steps, turn inside to 
wards the other person, and not outward, in order to 
prevent turning your back to him. If you happen to 
be with two persons who are your superiors, you 
should not place yourself in the middle, for that is the 
place of honor ; the right, is the second, and the left 
the third place. 

Be careful also of the choice of places if you take 
an airing in a coach, and yield the first seats to la- 
dies and distinguished persons. The one of most 
consequence gets in first, and places himself at the 
right of the back seat ; the left of the same seat is 
occupied next ; then, the third person seats himself 
on the front seat, facing the one in the first place ; 
and the fourth person takes the remaining seat, facing 
the one in the second place. If there is no servant, 
it is proper for the gentlemen to open the door, ar- 
range the packets, &c. 

In a cabriolet or chaise, the right side is for the 
one who drives, when there are only two persons. 
If there are three, the driver sits in the middle, even 
although he may be very inferior to his companions. 
I may add, that it is not customary for a lady to go 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 175 

alone in a hired cabriolet, since she would then be 
in company with the driver only. 

SECTION II. 

Of Parties and Amusements. 

We shall have but few things to say upon the 
manner of conducting one's-self in a party, as we 
should only repeat the advice we have already 
given as respects propriety in the carriage of the 
person, in visits, and in conversation. 

When a gentleman enters a drawing room where 
there are more than ten persons, he should salute 
all generally, by a very respectful inclination of the 
head, and present his respects first to the lady of the 
house, but converse at first only with her husband : 
gentlemen usually stand in groups, while the ladies 
sitting, answer the salutation by a similar one ; we 
should remark that the ladies do not rise, except in 
saluting one of their own sex. 

However distinguished a person may be, we do 
not allow conversation to be disturbed by their com- 
ing. They listen for a few moments while observ- 
ing what persons are present, then mingle in the 
conversation, without pretending at all to monopo- 
lize it. When conversation is not general, nor the 
subject sufficiently interesting to occupy the whole 



176 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

company, they break up into different groups. 
Each one converses with one or more of his neigh- 
bors on his right and left. We should, if we wish 
to speak to any one, avoid leaning upon the person 
who happens to be between. A gentleman ought 
not to lean upon the arm of a lady's chair, but he 
may, if standing, support himself by the back of 
it, in order to converse with the lady partly turned 
towards him. 

It would be extremely impolite to converse in a 
loud voice with any one upon private subjects, or to 
make use of allegories and particular allusions which 
are understood only by the person with whom you 
are conversing and yourself. It would be equally 
out of place to converse in a foreign language, with 
any one who might be able to speak it. 

It is not proper to withdraw abruptly in the midst of 
a conversation, but to wait until the subject in which 
you are engaged shall be finished; you then sa- 
lute only the person with whom you have been talk- 
ing, and depart without taking leave of any one, not 
even the gentleman and lady of the house. 

The mind has need of recreation ; it cannot be 
always occupied. Hence the custom of passing a 
few moments in those family and social parties, 
where we take part in the various amusements and 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 177 

games which have been invented to relax and divert 
the mind. 

It is useless to observe here that we do not mean 
to speak of those scandalous establishments in which 
are frequently swallowed up the resources of fami- 
lies, and where a person, led by an unhappy passion, 
may consume in one evening, enough to furnish an 
annual support for fifty orphans ; but we design to 
speak only of those innocent games, in which we are 
ambitious only of the glory of a triumph. To propose 
to play a deep game would be to expose ourselves to 
contempt. For, those who composed the assembly, 
would imagine that he who makes this request, has 
no other object in view but to enrich himself at the 
expense of others, and that he is accustomed to fre- 
quent those abominable houses of which we have just 
spoken. 

We should have a bad opinion of a player who, 
when he gained, should show excessive joy, and if he 
lost, should betray the least chagrin ; for he ought 
to remember that it is only for amusement that he 
plays. 

Conduct yourself without letting the least word of 
dissatisfaction escape, and be good humored even if 
you are unfortunate. 

When you leave off playing, converse with your 
adversary, and not seem to avoid him but be careful 



178 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

never to speak to him of his good luck in playing, 
unless it be with a frank gaiety, otherwise you would 
seem to be inspired with anger. 

Play with fairness, and do not endeavor to see the 
hand of your adversary in order to profit by it ; pay 
attention to your game, and not hold conversation 
with others. This inattention would necessarily 
render you insupportable to those who play with 
you. 

Ifanyplayis contested, we should not discuss it 
with warmth, but refer to disinterested persons, ex- 
plaining to them with calmness and politeness the 
point in dispute. 

In playing, we must always preserve an even 
temper; neither should we devote too much time 
to it, for the amusement would then become irk 
some, and be soon changed to a fatiguing occupa- 
tion. 

When the mistress of the house has prepared the 
tables for playing, she takes as many cards as each 
game requires players, and presents them to the 
persons present, beginning with the one whom she 
wishes especially to honor. To accept a card, is 
considered an engagement to play. The distribution 
of the players requires all the attention of the mis- 
tress of the house, as there are some persons not 
to be desired for partners. There are, besides bad 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 179 

players, persons who being little accustomed to play 
ing, stop a long time to think, bite their lips, strike 
their feet together under the table, drum upon the 
table with their fingers, pretend that such a person 
being near brings them bad luck, and request out of 
their turn to shuffle the cards, in order to change the 
luck, &c. 

The mistress of the house experiences, besides the 
embarrassment of arranging these unlucky players, 
sufficient trouble in keeping from the same table, 
those who have any antipathy to one another. 

When we commence playing, we salute, by an in- 
clination of the head, the persons with whom we play, 
while dealing to them the first card. Gentlemen 
should collect the cards at the end of each hand, 
shuffle, and present them to the lady who is to deal. 

We may, without impropriety, ask of any one if 
he plays such a game, even if he plays well ; and 
we may ask those invited to play, whom they desire 
as partners. The most honorable set, namely, that 
in which the mistress of the house plays, can never 
be refused, unless we are unacquainted with the 
game. 



180 GENTLEMAN AND LADT S 

SECTION III. 

Little Sports and Games of Society. 

Those sports, called innocent, generally please 
young persons of both sexes, because they excite an 
interest, while at the same time they require an ex 
ercise of the memory and of the mind. It is neces- 
sary, however, in this, as in every thing else, to mani- 
fest attention, delicacy, and propriety. We ought not 
to endeavor to be noticed for our too great vivacity or 
freedom. We should be satisfied with showing our 
talent at playing in our turn, and taking part in the 
common gaiety, without pretension or too great zeal. 
We should especially avoid throwing out any vindic- 
tive remarks, bestowing misplaced compliments, or 
imposing forfeits which would cause mortification. 

A young gentleman ought never to seize a young 
lady by the body, catch hold of her riband or bou- 
quet, nor pay exclusive attention to the same per- 
son. He should be agreeable and pleasant towards 
all. 

The selection of different games belongs to the 
ladies. The person who receives the company, 
should be eareful to vary them ; and when she per- 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 181 

ceives that any game loses its interest, she should pro- 
pose another. 

There are almost always persons in society who 
wish to take the lead, and give the ton; this is a 
caprice or fault which should be avoided. We may 
modestly propose any amusement, and ask the opinion 
of others in regard to it ; but never pretend to dictate, 
nor even urge having our own proposal accepted. If 
it does not please generally, we should be silent, and 
resign ourselves with a good grace to the decisions of 
the majority. 

In these little sports* the penalties which are im- 
posed, too often consist m embracing the ladies of the 
company ; but as they cannot refuse, since you fol- 
low the rule of the game, take care to do it with such 
propriety, that modesty may not be offended. 

Never prescribe any forfeiture which can wound 
the feelings of any owe *f the company. 



182 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 



CHAPTER III. 
Of Balls, Concerts, and Public Shows. 

These amusements presuppose a fortune and 
good ton; the practice of society, therefore, and con- 
sequently a forgetfulness of the precepts of polite- 
ness in respect to them, would be truly preposterous 

SECTION I. 

Of Balls. 

I was going to say, let us begin with private bails ; 
but I recollect that this name is no longer fashionable. 
We do not say, a ball at Madam such a one's, but an 
evening party {soiree). When we wish to give a 
dance, we send out invitations a week before hand, 
that the ladies may have time to prepare articles for 
their toilet. 

If it is to be a simple evening party, in which we 
may wear a summer walking dress, the mistress of the 
house gives verbal invitations and does not omit to ap- 
prise her friends of this circumstance, or they might 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 183 

appear in unsuitable dresses. If, on the con- 
trary, the soiree is to be in reality a ball, the invita- 
tions are written, or what is better, printed, and ex- 
pressed in the third person. 

A room appropriated for the purpose, and furnished 
with cloak pins to hang up the shawls and other dres- 
ses of the ladies, is almost indispensable. Domestics 
should be there also, to aid them in taking oif and 
putting on their outside garments. 

We are not obliged to go exactly at the appointea 
hour ; it is even fashionable to go an hour later. 
Married ladies are accompanied by their husbands, 
unmarried ones, by their mother or by a chaperon. 
These last ladies place themselves behind the dancers ; 
the master of the house then goes before one and 
another, procures seats for them, and mingles again 
among the gentlemen who are standing, and who 
form groups or walk about the room. 

The toilet of all the assembly should be made with 
great care! A gentleman who should appear in a 
riding coat and boots would pass for a person of bad 
ton. 

When you are sure of a place in the dance, you 
go up to a lady, and ask her if she will do you the 
honor to dance with you. If she answers that she 
is engaged, invite her for the next dance, but take 
care not to address yourself afterwards to any ladiea 



184 GENTLEMAN AND LADY S 

next to her, for these not being able to refuse you, 
would feel hurt at being invited after another 
Never wait until the signal is given to take a part 
ner, for nothing is more impolite than to invite a 
lady hastily, and when the dancers are already in 
their places ; it can be allowed only when the set 
is incomplete. 

A lady cannot refuse the invitation of a gentleman 
to dance, unless she has already accepted that of 
another, for she would be guilty of an incivility which 
might occasion trouble ; she would moreover seem 
to show contempt for him whom she refused, and 
would expose herself to receive an ill compliment from 
him. 

Married or young ladies cannot leave a ball-room 
or any other party alone. The former should be ac- 
companied by one or two other married ladies, and 
the latter by their mother, or by a lady to represent 
her. 

We should avoid talking too much ; it would oc- 
casion remarks and have a bad appearance to whisper 
continually in the ear of our partner. 

The master of the house should see that all the la- 
dies dance ; he should take notice particularly of those 
who seem to serve as drapery to the walls of the ball- 
room, (or wall-flowers, as the familiar expression is,) 
and should see that they are invited to dance. But he 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 185 

must do this wholly unperceived, in order not to 
wound the self-esteem of the unfortunate ladies. 

Gentlemen whom the master of the house requests 
to dance with these ladies, should be ready to accede 
to his wish, and even appear pleased at dancing with 
a person thus recommended to their notice. 

Ladies who dance much, should be very careful 
not to boast before those who dance but little or not at 
ill, of the great number of dances for which they are 
engaged in advance. They should also, without being 
perceived, recommend to these less fortunate ladies, 
gentlemen of their acquaintance. 

In giving the hand for ladies' chain or any other 
figures, those dancing should wear a smile, and ac- 
company it with a polite inclination of the head, in the 
manner of a salutation. At the end of the dance, the 
gentleman reconducts the lady to her place, bows and 
thanks her for the honor which she has conferred. 
She also curtesies in silence, smiling with a gracious 
air. 

In these assemblies, we should conduct ourselves 
with reserve and politeness towards all present, al- 
though they may be unknown to us. 

Persons who have no ear for music, that is to say, 
a false one, ought to refrain from dancing. 

Never hazard taking part in a quadrille unless 
you know how to dance tolerably ; for if you are a 
16* 



186 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

novice or but little skilled, you would bring disorder 
into the midst of pleasure. Being once engaged to 
take part in a dance, if the figures are not familiar, 
be careful not to advance first. You can in this way 
govern your steps by those who go before you. Be- 
ware also of taking your place in a set of dancers 
more skilful than yourself. 

When an unpractised dancer makes a mistake, we 
may apprise him of his error ; but it would be very 
impolite to have the air of giving him a lesson. 

Dance with grace and modesty ; neither affect to 
make a parade of your knowledge ; refrain from great 
leaps and ridiculous jumps which would attract the 
attention of all towards you. 

In a private ball or party, it is proper to show still 
more reserve, and not manifest more preference for 
one lady than another; we should dance with all 
indiscriminately, but we may, however, invite the 
same lady more than once. 

In public balls, a gentleman offers his partner re- 
freshments, but which she very seldom accepts, unless 
she is much acquainted with him. But in private 
parties, the persons who receive the company, 6end 
round cake and other refreshments, of which each 
one helps himself as he pleases. Near the end of 
the evening, in a well regulated ball, it is customary 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 187 

to have a supper, at which the gentlemen stand be- 
hind the ladies who are seated. 

In a soiree without great preparation, we may dis- 
pense with a supper, but refreshments are necessary ; 
and not to have them would be the greatest impolite- 
ness. 

The waltz is a dance of quite too loose a character, 
and unmarried ladies should refrain from it altogether, 
both in public and private ; very young married la- 
dies, however, may be allowed to waltz in private 
balls, if it is very seldom, and with persons of their 
acquaintance. It is indispensable for them to acquit 
themselves with dignity and modesty; 

I have spoken of public balls, in contradistinction 
to private ones, and I might alsa^ave. mentioned balls 
by subscription, for, in regard to the public balls of 
Paris and other large cities, we have nothing to "ad- 
vise our readers but to shun them. As to masked 
balls, it is an amusement altogether to be condemned, 
except those of the Opera. Neither should we ap- 
pear there except in a domino. 

We should retire incognito, in order not to disturb 
the master and mistress of the house ; and we should 
make them during the week, a visit of thanks, at 
which we may converse of the pleasure of the ball 
and of the good selection of the company. 



188 GENTLEMAN AND LADY S 



SECTION II 

Of Concerts. 

The proprieties in deportment which concerts re- 
quire, are little different from those which are recog- 
nised in every other assembly or in public exhibitions, 
for concerts partake of the one and the other, accord- 
ing as they are public or private. In private con- 
certs, the ladies occupy the front seats, and the gen- 
tlemen are generally in groups behind, or at the side 
of them. We should observe the most profound si- 
lence, and refrain from beating time, humming the 
airs, applauding, or making ridiculous gestures of ad- 
miration. It often happens that a dancing soiree suc- 
ceeds a concert, and billets of invitation distributed 
two or three days beforehand, should give notice of it 
to the persons invited. 

When a lady is going to perform, it is good ton 
for a gentleman to stand behind her chair and turn 
over the leaves attentively, if he knows how to read 
music. 

We ought also after an invitation to a concert, to 
return a visit of thanks. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 189 

SECTION III. 

Of Public Shows or Spectacles, 

One would be deceived if he imagined that there 
exist no rules of propriety to be observed in public 
places, where persons assemble together, and at 
theatrical exhibitions. There are some general at- 
tentions which we should manifest to those persons 
whom we meet there. It would be impolite to jostle 
continually, and in an importunate manner, those 
near whom we are placed, to step upon the dress of 
a lady, or run against those who are* moving at a 
moderate pace. 

If you go with a party to a theatrical entertain- 
ment, one of the gentlemen should carry the tickets 
to the door-keeper, in order to avoid any embar- 
rassment to ladies on entering; and when the 
box is open, they should place them in the front 
row, according to age, or the consideration they de- 
serve. Young persons should occupy the seats 
behind, and avoid leaning over too much, to the 
incommoding of those who are seated in front of 
them. 

Gentlemen should address themselves to the at- 
tendants at the boxes, make them a compensation, 



190 GENTLEMAN AND LADY S 

and place under their care their hats, and the cloaks 
and other articles of dress of the ladies ; but we must 
not hang them over the boxes, whether it is a pock- 
et handkerchief, a tippet, or a shawl, &c* Nor 
ought a person to turn his back to the stage ; for in 
that case, he exposes himself to the derision of the pit, 
and to hear disagreeable remarks. Then the eyes 
of all would be fixed upon you ; and your imprudence 
would excite a disturbance, which would be trouble- 
some to the audience. 

When a spectator of kind feelings is affected at 
seeing the misfortunes which the heroes of the play 
suffer, or has his sympathy touched by the virtues 
which are displayed, nothing can be more annoying 
to him, than to have constantly at his side, a morose 
critic, who, without mercy, finds fault with the finest 
parts of the performance, who sees nothing to his 
taste, and changes into a place of fatigue and ennui, 
resorts consecrated to amusement and pleasure. It 
is, moreover, almost as .ridiculous to place no bounds 
to our applause. 

When ladies enter a box where a gentleman is 
seated in front of them, propriety requires that he 

* In some of the theatres in Paris, however, this is 
allowed. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 191 

should offer his seat, notwithstanding they are stran- 
gers to him, and should insist upon their taking it, 
even after they have once refused. 

If the heat incommodes you, do not open the 
door of the box, without the consent of those who 
occupy it. 

Be very reserved at the theatre, in order not to 
trouble those who are near you, and maintain a pro- 
found silence when the actors are on the stage, that 
you may not interrupt the attention of persons who 
take an interest in the spectacle. 

It is improper to pass too positive and severe 
judgment on the performance, or the playing of the 
actors, whether to make a eulogium, or to find fault 
with them. One may meet persons of a contrary 
opinion, and engage himself in a controversy which 
it is prudent to avoid. 

Between the acts, gentlemen should ask the ladies 
if it is agreeable to them to walk in the entries, or the 
saloon, or to take refreshments. They should also 
ask them if they wish for a journal of the theatre 
or play bill, or an opera glass; and if bouquets are 
sold at the door of the theatre, it would be proper and 
gallant to present them with one. 

As soon as you have arrived at the outer door of 
the theatre, if in a carriage, you must take care to 
O 



192 GENTLEMAN AND LADY*? 

have all your party ready at the very moment the 
carriage drives up. It is also necessarv to do the same 
thing, if you send a porter to get a hired coach. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 193 



CHAPTER IV. 

Of the Duties of Hospitality. 

Those of my readers who from habit, or instinct, 
fear the least appearance of constraint, and perhaps 
even in this work think that they have found lessons 
of politeness too strict, and which civilization has 
augmented beyond measure, will without doubt 
apply the same remark to the present chapter. But 
what indeed are these slight duties of modern hospi- 
tality, in comparison to the rigorous ones of ancient 

times ? 

When a billet of announcement has informed you, 

as is customary, that a preceding invitation on your 
part will bring guests to your house, you must begin 
and carefully arrange the apartment you intend for 
them. They should have a good bed, a bureau, a fire 
in the winter, and every thing which can contribute 
to their comfort j a wash-basin, water, glass tumblers, 
a bottle of cologne, a sugar bowl filled, or rather a 
glass of water prepared, several napkins, in short 
every thing which will contribute to neatness, or ele- 
gance, ought to be placed in the apartment. 
These preliminaries being arranged, a little before 



194 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

the appointed hour of their arrival you must go and 
wait upon your guests; a domestic should go with 
you to bring their baggage to the house. You should 
embrace your friends and congratulate them ; express 
the pleasure you enjoy in receiving them, inquire 
kindly about the incidents of their journey, conduct 
them in an earnest manner, and introduce them, by 
requesting them to make your house their home; 
this finishes the second series of the duties of hospi- 
tality. 

The third class of obligations, is assiduity to your 
guests, otherwise, it would seem, to them, that their 
presence was troublesome. To you belongs the care 
of kindly offering to their view every thing in your 
house, in the city or in the country, which is inter- 
esting ; of making parties in honor of them, as din- 
ner parties of their friends, or such as it is presumed 
will please them ; these are obligations of hospitality 
which you cannot omit. "When visitors show any in- 
tention of leaving you, you ought affectionately tc 
endeavor to retain them ; nevertheless, if their reso- 
lution seems immovable, you send to engage their 
seats at the coach office ; you offer them delicate re- 
freshments, and accompany them thither ; and when 
taking leave of them, renew your invitations for 
another visit, and your regret at not having been able 
to succeed better in retaining them. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 195 

To do the honors of one's own house, it is neces- 
sary to have tact, address, knowledge of the world, 
a great evenness of temper, and much affability. 
It is necessary to forget one's-self, in order to 
be occupied with others, but without hurry, or af- 
fectation ; to encourage timid persons, and put them 
at their ease ; and to enter into conversation, di- 
recting it with address rather than sustaining it our- 
selves. 

The mistress of a house ought to be obliging, of 
an equal temper, and attentive in accommodating her- 
self to the particular tastes of every one, especial- 
ly to appear delighted that they are with her, and 
make themselves perfectly at home. 

Guests, on their part, should show themselves con- 
tented and grateful for the reception that is given 
them. They should, on departing, give a generous 
remuneration to the domestics, and immediately on 
arriving at home, write to the persons who have en- 
tertained them a letter of cordial thanks. 

The duties of hospitality are of frequent recur- 
rence, fatiguing and troublesome, but they are an 
indispensable obligation. To omit them, is to be will- 
ing to pass for a person of no education, and no deli- 
cacy, in short it is to place people in a most embar- 
rassing and painful situation. 



196 GENTLEMAN AND LADT's 



PART IV. 

OF PROPRIETY AS REGARDS OTHER CIRCUMSTANCES. 

CHAPTER I. 

Of Marriage and Baptism. 

These two subjects have peculiar claim to the pre- 
cepts of politeness ; for the first is the closest of the 
social relations, and both furnish occasions for the 
most brilliant fetes. 

SECTION I. 

Of Marriage* 

We usually make a profound secret of the pre- 
liminaries of marriage, because, in case of its being 

* The greater part of the ceremonies here described, as 
well as those contained in the following section, are ac- 
cording to the usuages of Catholic countries, but some of 
them are applicable to our own ; and it has been thought 
that it would be interesting to American readers to re- 
tain the whole as in the original. — T 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 397 

broken off, there would be danger of malicious inter- 
pretations } but, after the first words are exchanged, it 
is necessary to make it known in confidence to a few 
intimate friends, and those to whom we are under ob- 
ligations. Afterwards, we give intelligence of it by 
letter to our relations. 

A young man who solicits a lady in marriage, 
should be extremely devoted and respectful; he 
should appear a stranger to all the details of business 
which the two families discuss ; he converses with 
his intended particularly of their future arrange- 
ments, her tastes, the selection of a residence, fur- 
niture, bridal presents, &c. Avoiding all misplaced 
familiarity, he calls her Miss until returning from 
church, on the day of marriage ; he accompanies 
her in all assemblies, and shows himself a devoted 
suitor. 

When the banns of matrimony have been pub- 
lished, it is customary at Paris for a bouquet-maker 
to come to adorn the bride, presenting her with a 
bouquet. This attention requires a remuneration. 

The marriage is declared in two ways. We in- 
vite three or four days beforehand persons of our 
acquaintance to assist in the nuptial benediction, 
and specify precisely the time and place where 
the ceremony will be performed. During the legaj 

17* 



198 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

act, which is performed by civil authority, only wit- 
nesses and near relations are present. 

If a person is invited to assist at the repast or fete 
which follows the marriage, we make express men- 
tion of it at the bottom of the letters of invitation.* 

We communicate simply the fact of the marriage 
to those who have been invited neither to the nup- 
tial ceremony, nor to the entertainment. Propriety 
requires that the person invited to the marriage cer- 
emony should come, or send an excuse if it is im- 
possible to be present. A simple letter of announce- 
ment to uninvited persons, requires only a visit or 
two ; the first of which is made by card. 

Presents are usually the preliminaries of a mar- 
riage; those which the gentleman makes his in- 
tended wife, are called bridal presents and consist 
of different articles of the toilet, a set of diamonds, 
&c. Some persons content themselves with sending 
a purse containing a sum of money in gold, for the 
purchase of these things ; the young lady then spends 
it as she thinks proper. The gentleman is moreover 
to make a present to each of the brothers and sisters 
of his intended. 

*These letters are usually duplicates, as the invitation 
should appear to be given by the parents of both the 
future couple. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 199 

The young lady, on her part, gives some present 
to her bridemaid ; she often presents her with a dress 
or some ornament, and receives in her turn from the 
other, a girdle, gloves, and a bouquet of orange flow- 
ers. Since we have spoken of bridal presents, we 
will add that at Paris, the married lady receives a 
gift from her sisters and cousins, but in the provincial 
towns, on the contrary, she must offer them some 
token. 

We will now pass to the ceremony. After the 
celebration of the legal act, which may be some days 
previous, the married couple, followed by their 
parents, commonly go to the church in the carriages 
which conducted them to the office where the legal 
act was performed ; for at Paris, in whatever situa- 
tion in life the parties may be, they never go on foot. 
The lady goes in one carriage with her relations 
and the bridemaid ; the gentleman in another car- 
riage with his father and mother, or his nearest 
relatives. 

The acquaintances of the two married persons, re- 
pair to the church at the appointed hour ; the friends 
of the gentleman place themselves on the right, those 
of the lady on the left, on seats prepared before- 
hand. 

The marriage train then advances in the follow- 
ing order ; the lady gives her hand to her father, or 



200 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

to one who represents him ; then comes the gentle- 
man with his mother, or the lady who represents her, 
and afterwards the members of the two families in 
couples. 

As the couple and their relations approach the altar, 
each of the persons present bows to them in silence ; 
the relations place themselves in the same order as 
the acquaintances, and before the latter, in the front 
row, which should be reserved for them. The couple 
to be married are placed in the middle. Notwith- 
standing it is polite always to present the right hand 
to the lady whom we conduct, or to give her the right 
when we are next her, yet the bridegroom takes 
the right of the bride, because, in this act, which is 
at once civil and religious, man ought to preserve the 
prerogative which the law both human and divine 
have conferred upon him ; besides, as the bridegroom 
is to place the nuptial ring on the ringer of the bride, 
it is more convenient for him to be upon the right 
hand than the left. 

When the clergyman puts the question to them, 
each should consult their relations by a respectful sign 
of the head, before answering the decisive yes. 

The veil is held over the head of the bride by two 
children whose parents we wish to honor. The 
business of the bridemaid who has presided at the 
toilet of the bride, is to designate their places at 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 201 

the religious ceremony in church; and afterwards, 
at the ball, to supply the place of the bride, who 
can take no active part; it is usually one of her 
sisters or a most intimate friend who is chosen for this 
purpose. 

The groomsman, for there should be one or even 
more, looks well to the list of those invited to the cer- 
emony, to see what persons are absent, as it is the 
custom of married persons not to make the marriage 
visit to any one who has been guilty of this impo- 
liteness. 

The married gentleman must give presents to the 
attendants at the church, the poor, &c. 

After the nuptial benediction, the married couple 
again salute the assembly, and then receive the com- 
pliments of each one. There are some families in a 
more humble situation, where the married lady is 
embraced by all at the marriage ceremony ; but in 
those in a higher station in life, she embraces only 
her father, mother and new relations. 

The new husband gives his hand to his wife when 
returning from the church; nevertheless at dinner 
he should be placed between his mother and his moth- 
er-in-law, while his wife is to be seated between her 
father and father-in-law. In case ihere is a supper, 
the married couple sit next each other. 



202 GENTLEMAN AND LADY S 

The married lady opens the ball with the most dis- 
tinguished person in the assembly ; she retires pri- 
vately, accompanied by her mother, and one or more 
near relations whom they wish to compliment. 

The newly married couple make marriage visits in 
the course of a fortnight, in a carriage, and in full 
dress. They should make these visits alone. They 
only leave their cards for those with whom they do 
not wish to be intimate. 

Such are the received usages in the capital. In 
the provinces, many of the old and common cus- 
toms are still preserved as the gift of a laced shirt 
bosom to the husband by his wife ; wedding favors or 
ribbands for the wife, and ribbands of two colors with 
which they decorate the young persons in the mar- 
riage suite, &c. 



SECTION II 

Of Baptism. 

We must invite several months beforehand the 
godfather and godmother of the child that is to be 
baptized. If the ties of blood have given you a right 
to this onerous duty, you cannot dispense with it. If 
not, you can seek a specious excuse. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 303 

When one has consented to hold the infant at the 
baptismal font, he should perform this duty in a be- 
coming manner, and according to his own condition 
and that of the parents of the child. 

A present should be given to the mother, which 
present usually consists of confectionary. We must 
also give one to the godmother, a pair of white gloves 
and comfits ; and if she is a young person, she com- 
monly receives a bouquet of white flowers in addition. 
If the godfather wishes to show her any attention, he 
can add to the presents an elegant and valuable object, 
such as a fan ; in which case it is good ton for the 
godmother to send in return some rich and tasteful 
present. She also has the honor of giving to the child 
a cap, and frequently a baptismal robe. To her also 
belongs the duty of putting the first dress on ' the 
child. 

The attendant and the nurse have also a right to 
some present. 

The officers of the church, and the poor, should 
each receive a gratuity proportionate to their condi- 
tion. We simply put a piece of money into the hands 
of the humbler persons ; but we present the clergy- 
man with a box of presents in which is enclosed a 
piece of gold or silver. 

Persons of a very high class, in order to free their 
friends from these expenses, send domestics to present 



204 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

their children at the baptismal font. This is a most 
'inbecoming custom; it seems to consider this holy 
consecration as a slavish ceremony, and destroys at 
its source the sentiment of respect and affection, that 
a godson or daughter should inspire in those who have 
adopted them before God. 

At whatever hour the ceremony is appointed, we 
go to the church in a carriage at the expense of the 
godfather. He and the godmother pass in first ; next 
comes the infant borne by its nurse or a matron j and 
then the father, who accompanies the other invited 
persons. 

It is the custom in many houses to give, after re- 
turning from the baptism, an elegant entertainment, 
of which the godfather and godmother receive all the 
honor. Above all, they should give their godchild 
new year's gifts while it is a child, and manifest their 
affection during the whole of its life. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 205 

CHAPTER II. 

Of Duties towards the Unfortunate, 

Propriety, the guide of ail our social relations, 
cannot remain a stranger to that of misfortune , that 
which takes possession of all our feelings, cannot for- 
get to pity. It is in this light that it is peculiarly in- 
teresting, that it is almost religious, since it even con- 
tributes to bind closer this first and powerful tie of 
human nature. 

SECTION I. 

Of Duties toward the Sick, Infirm, and Unfortunate. 

When any one of your acquaintance is ill, you 
should regularly send a domestic, to inquire after 
their health, every day, or every other day, according 
to the virulence and nature of the disease ; if there 
is immediate danger, we should send even twice a 
day From time to time you should inquire wheth- 
er the sick person can see any one, because in that 
case, you must go and testify in person all your 
interest. You should continue to obtain infor 
18 



206 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

mation about their health until their recovery or 
death. 

Our visits to the sick should be very short, silent, 
and reserved. We should address to them expressions 
of interest in a low voice, and speak softly to 
the member of the family who attends them. We 
ask him who is his physician, what is the treatment ; 
and urge every motive of consolation and hope ; 
we ought hardly to reply to the questions the 
person in attendance asks, with regard to our own 
health, or business, and we retire reiterating the 
proofs of our interest. If the person is convales- 
cent or only indisposed, you address a thousand 
questions concerning their complaints, you sympa- 
thize with them, praise their patience, and describe 
to them the pleasant image of returning health. 
You must be on your guard not to say that you 
find their features much changed, that their recov- 
ery may be slow, &c. To speak these truths is 
very mal-apropos, and with reason ; you would pass 
for having an unfeeling heart, or rather, a limited 
understanding. 

When sufferings and troubles assume a virulent 
aspect, and resist all the efforts of medical skill, they 
are infirmities indeed, and a silence the most abso- 
lute and rigorous with respect to them, should be 
observed. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 207 

Not only ought you never to speak to an infirm 
person of his misfortune, but you should also careful- 
ly avoid mentioning any person who is afflicted in the 
same way, and of thus alluding indirectly to his own 
case. The only occasion when this is allowed, is 
where you can make it appear to him that the comforts 
of which he is deprived are not so permanent but that 
you have experienced similar inconveniences from 
the same cause. Thus to a lame person, you might 
say that you yourself are fatigued with walking, that 
your own legs are not firm, &c. 

If the infirmity is not too visible, and the poor sub- 
ject speaks to you of it, assure him earnestly that you 
should not have observed it. If he complains to you, 
offer him motives of consolation, and take care that you 
change the subject of conversation before he does, 
otherwise he might think that you are importuning 
him about his malady. Finally, do all in your 
power to comfort him. If he is afflicted with im- 
perfect sight, place objects near him, but without 
affectation, and without having the air of making 
him think that he requires your assistance, neither 
permit him to thank you. If he is troubled with 
deafness, you must not speak unreasonably loud ; 
but bring back the attention of the unfortunate person 
to the subject of your conversation by skilful and 
P 



208 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

delicate transitions, and not abruptly say to him, 
We are speaking of such a thing. This is much, 
trouble, perhaps you will say. Trouble to console 
people ? Why, you take more to please them ! 

Some persons who are reduced in circumstances, 
keep up in their misfortune (at least in society) their 
habits of opulence ; and to manage with such per- 
sons requires not a little skill. 

If they invite you to their frugal repasts, or offer 
you any presents, let not the fear of occasioning 
them expense, induce you to refuse with warmth, 
and obstinacy ; you would wound them deeply. Ac- 
cept them, but seek an opportunity of repaying with 
interest, these proofs of their politeness. Never speak 
to them first of their sad situation ; but if they intro- 
duce the subject themselves, receive their confidence 
with a respectful and affectionate attention. Show 
how much you are affected with that which grieves 
them, and without forgetting discretion, endeavor, in 
appearance at least, to render them confidence for 
confidence. 

SECTION II. 

Of Funerals and Mourning. 

When we lose any of our family, we should 
give intelligence of it to all persons who have had 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 209 

relations of business or friendship with the deceased. 
This letter of announcement usually contains an in- 
vitation to assist at the service and burial. 

On receiving this invitation, we should go to the 
bouse of the deceased, and follow the body as far as 
the church. We are excused from accompanying it 
to the burying ground, unless it be a relation, a 
friend, or a superior. If we go as far as the bury- 
ing-ground, we should give the first carriages to the 
relations or most intimate friends of the deceased. 
We should walk with the head uncovered, silently, 
and with a sad and thoughtful mien. Relations 
ought not, from considerations of propriety to give 
themselves up too much to their grief. You will 
owe a visit to persons who have invited you, if you 
have not been able to accept their invitation. If 
you have attended the ceremony, then they are the 
ones that owe the visit. 

At an interment or funeral service, the members 
of the family are entitled to the first places ; they 
are nearest to the coffin, whether in the procession, 
or in the church. The nearest relations go in a full 
mourning dress. It is not customary at Paris for 
women to follow the procession ; and no where do 
they go quite to the grave, unless they are of a low 
class. A widower or a widow, a father or mother, 
are not present at the act of interment, or service of 



210 GENTLEMAN AND LADt's 

those whom they have lost. The first are presumed 
not to be able to support the afflicting ceremony; 
and the second ought not to show this mark of defer- 
ence. 

There are two kinds of mourning, the full and 
the half mourning. The full mourning is worn for 
a father, mother, grandfather, grandmother, hus- 
band, wife, brother and sister. It is divided into 
three periods * For the first six weeks, we wear only 
woollen garments ; in the six weeks following, we 
may wear silk, and the three last months mingle 
white with the black. 

Half mourning is worn for uncles, aunts, cousins 
and second cousins. The first fortnight we wear 
black silk, and the last week, white mixed with black. 

Custom requires that a woman should wear 
mourning for her husband, a year and six weeks, 
while that of a widower is only six months. This 
difference, which may appear singular, is founded 
upon reasons of convenience and social relations. 

In the first three months of mourning for her 
husband, a woman wears only woollen garments; 
the six first weeks, her head-dress and neck-kerchief 
are black crape or gauze ; in the six following 

* Several of the particulars, which follow, are not ob- 
served in this country. — 1\ 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 211 

weeks, they are white crape or linen. The next six 
months, she dresses in black silk ; in winter, gros de 
Naples; in summer, taffetas. Head dress, white 
crape. The last three months, she wears black and 
white, and the last six weeks, white only. 

The mourning on the death of a wife, is a black 
cloth coat without buttons, dark shoes, woolen hose, 
black buckles, and a sword-knot of crape, if the per- 
son carries one. At the end of six weeks, we may 
wear a black coat with buttons, black silk hose, silver 
buckles, and a black riband upon the sword. The 
half mourning of the last three months is a black 
coat, a sword and silver buckles, white silk stockings, 
and a sword-knot of black and white. 

It is altogether contrary to propriety to select for 
yourself at the shops the articles of mourning, to 
have them made in your presence, or make them 
yourself; and, for a fortnight at least, and sometimes 
even for the first six weeks, ladies ought not to sew, 
even while receiving their relations and intimate 
friends, so much are they supposed to be depressed by 
their affliction. 

During forty days, we do not leave the house, 
except to go to church ; it would be very improper to 
visit, dine out, or go to any assembly during the first 
mourning. When this time has expired, we may 
make visits of mourning, and go out a little more, 
but we cannot yet appear in public promenades, at 



212 GENTLEMAN AND LADY'S 

spectacles or balls ; neither should we sing, even at 
home. It is only at the time of half mourning, that 
we resume by degrees our former habits of life. 

For ten days at least, after the death of a very near 
relation, it would be very reprehensible for people 
whose profession recalls ideas of pleasure, as mu- 
sicians, or dancing masters, to return to their em- 
ployment. 

In full mourning, we should wear neither curls 
nor perfumes. To be present at a funeral, or even to 
look at one passing, are forbidden at this time. At- 
tending a funeral service, other than that of a rela- 
tion, is equally prohibited. Excepting during this 
period, it is impolite not to attend when invited to the 
funeral service of your acquaintances. You should 
appear there in mourning. At the service, as well as 
at the interment, the male relatives go first, and then 
those invited ; the female relatives go next, and are 
followed by other ladies. 

If we marry a person who is in mourning, we should 
put on black the day after our marriage ; the time 
preceding is reckoned as if the mourning had been 
worn. On the contrary, if we ourselves are married 
again at a time when the death of a relation by our 
former marriage requires this sombre dress, we should 
leave it off immediately, since our new union annuls 
the former alliance. 



BOOK OF POLITENESS. 213 

Visits which are paid to persons in mourning, are 
called visits of condolence. In making them, we 
observe silence, and never inquire about their health j 
this would be out of place. A gentleman offers 
them his hand, but a lady embraces them, even 
though they are but slightly acquainted. We refrain 
from conversing on too gay or personal subjects. 

If we are at a distance, we testify by letter our 
sympathy in the misfortune which afflicts them. 
Their grief cannot excuse them from answering us, 
although it is not immediately necessary. 

With this subject, we shall conclude our treatise 
of politeness, hoping that, having arrived at this 
point, our readers may say, 'Without doubt the 
work is full and methodical;' we shall not dare 
to flatter ourselves with more, but this is enough, 
for it is being assured that our labor has been use- 
ful. 

We trust then that we have rendered an essen- 
tial service to youth, in making them acquainted 
with these rules, which have become so necessary. 
In truth, politeness, on which at the present day we 
pride ourselves, is a virtue which we ought never 
to renounce, since it gives to the intercourse of life, 
tutu sweetness, pleasure, elegance and charm which 
can be truly felt only by those who possess it. As 
the intellectual Madam Lambert ha3 said, To 



214 BOOK OF POLITENESS. 

liteness is the desire of pleasing those with whom 
we are obliged to live, and in a manner causing 
all around us to be satisfied with us ; superiors, with 
our respect ; equals, with our esteem ; and inferiors, 
with our kindness 



674 









' ' 






^ ' ' 












\ 










a o 



Deacidified using the Bookkeeper process. 
Neutralizing agent: Magnesium Oxide 
Treatment Date: Dec. 2004 

PreservationTechnologies 

A WORLD LEADER IN PAPER PRESERVATION 

1 1 1 Thomson Park Drive 
Cranberry Township, PA 16066 
(724)779-2111 






























<- ' -^ ,.;^% 












"**>, ^ 


















LIBHAHYOFCONGR™ 




012 903 885 8 



Si 



■■1 





CfH^MM 






Qfi| 


' 






1 






81 




BH 


H9 






Oh 










■ 


1 


^■E 




M 




Bm 


■ 






ii 








MM 


ubi 


I 






l 












■K 


■BAH 






K 



bbh 



